stigma

So, I'm going to be on ministry staff this fall. I always looked up to ministry staffers without really realizing it. I mean, they were COOL. Maybe not the ones you knew, but the ones I knew. And they seemed so wise and together and had this uncanny ability to care about a lot of people. And now I'm going to be one of them. So, aren't I supposed to be perfect like them, too?

No. They were people too. I am a person, with flaws and wrong thinking and mess-ups and weird, sometimes crazy emotions. They were like that too, I just didn't see it. So I'd get disappointed, because I'd forget they were PEOPLE. I don't mean to be cliche, but Christians are not perfect, they're forgiven, and I tell you, there's a reason that's cliche: because it's so TRUE it's annoying. ok, only maybe annoying. But definitely true. But I know why they and lots of other people try to act perfect sometimes: because it's scary being real!! There's so much risk: REJECTION, ridicule, alienation, being thought a freak, being thought a BURDEN, getting your heart into trouble, etc, etc, etc. I hold back a lot because of many of these reasons, albeit not always all at once.

And you know where those fears come from? Fearing man more than God. Because God created me. He made me with a BIG personality - lots of passion that is usually expressed in relationships, and that can and has get/gotten me into trouble a time or million. But God made me that way, and set me free in Christ so I could be that way for Him. Because He not only can handle my intensity, but delights in it when it's put into the right thing (i.e. Jesus, His glory, LOVING Him). That's not to say that there aren't good and appropriate times to hold back, but I love and long for the freedom that is mine in Christ, where I really can "throw off the sin that so easily entangles" me and run the race, looking toward the finish line with Him as my only goal. Do you ever notice how passionate the Bible is? That's why I love it. I remember in Sunday School class in 5th grade thinking the Bible was so boring. It's because I didn't know HIM yet. Have you ever noticed how knowing about the author brings a whole new dimension to a story? And knowing Him personally...it blows me away.

Note: my own personal cliche - I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now.

If I ever have anything intelligent to say on here ever again, I will be surprised. And I'm not sure that anything I ever said was in fact intelligent. But now, my conclusion comes from the fact that I am plum tuckered out (yes, that's southern-speak).

Randomness of the day: there was a guy who plays MN football in my Latin American class today, and he is from Atlanta...he went to Lassiter High School, and I know lots of people who went there. It's in the same town as 'my' high school - Pope. Even though I went to Pebblebrook. It's complicated.

Also, I am now taking my first summer classes ever. I don't think it will be that bad. But add work and fundraising to that, and I think we've got a fast-paced, I'm-going-to-need-time-off-when-this-is-over summer. We'll see how this goes. God promised He would be there. So I'm going to believe it. It's funny how at peace I feel about this now, when before I was so not sure about it at all.

So, let's talk about trust. There are, I think, two kinds that play out in life: the first starts in your head and heart. It's more of an idea, kind of like "yeah, I could trust this or that," and the second is practical trust - the kind that plays out in your life. It comes from the first kind of trust. So I would say that the first can exist without the second, but the second cannot exist without the first. I had the first kind of trust for a long time. Mostly because I didn't take any risks. I had the IDEA that God was trustworthy and faithful. And it played out well - I saw it a lot. But it was a passive seeing. I wasn't experiencing it to the fullest extent. And I'm thinking that this is why the EDGE decision was so difficult. I'm good at trusting God for things that don't require much on my part - no risk taking or possibilities of being hurt or anything. I'm not good at trusting Him with the things that really cost me something. And I'm pretty much getting the feeling from some time I had with Him that it's only going to get harder - but also that He'll be right there with me, not rejecting me, not casting me off. But I still find it to be difficult. But what is faith, if I don't let Him work. I prayed for deeper intimacy with Him. I prayed that I would be broken so I would not try to do life apart from Him. I prayed that I would matter for His name and renown on the MN campus. Did I think that would be easy? Did I know what I was praying myself into? Do I know, even now? I don't think so.

But I know that I'm at least feeling emotion now. I recognize more often the times when I turn to idols. I've heard His promise that He will answer when I call, and He will cause me to defile the idols and altars I've set up. I'm working out of a broken, bleeding, hurting faith. I have nothing to give, even though I still try to make it look like I do. I look at myself, wondering how God can work with a mess like me, and why He even wants to. And then I find myself wanting only to lay facedown at the foot of the Cross. I don't want to be anywhere else, ever. Where else can I go? Who else can heal me from my sinfulness and my hurt and my emptiness?

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered [and will suffer] the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith-- that I may know him...

Those verses are going to mean a lot to me in the coming months.

Inevitabilities

Inevitability #1: writing a blog entry when I'm writing a paper the night before it's due.

Inevitability #2: writing a paper the night before it's due, no matter how good my intentions may be to get it done earlier.

Inevitability #3: things always change.

I received a phone call today that rocked my boat a little bit about the future. It staggered me at first, as I realized that the first of my expectations I held for it was shattered (though this shattering was not necessarily devastating, just disappointing). But it was good to realize that despite this new information I still desire to do what I think God is calling me to do.

On Friday, too, I realized the inevitability of change, and today's events confirmed this realization, but in a different way. Letting go is a must, trust is mandatory, and loving boldly is more necessary now than ever. But what does that look like? It should look patient, kind, not envious, not jealous or rude or boastful, but bearing all things, enduring all things and hoping all things. It should be wonderfully and beautifully biblical. But as the situation seems to endlessly go opposite of the way I want it to go, I realize again that I need God to love like this, because I don't have the capacity. Am I being painfully vague? Well, I'm doing it on purpose.

As a dear friend and I were talking today about what it means to love, especially those who are hard to love, this C.S. Lewis quote came to mind:

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

This quote meant a lot to me a couple of years ago during a hard time with a guy I was involved with. Having long moved past that circumstance, having been encouraged by it, I now am remembering this quote feeling convicted. People have asked me lately who I'm close to and it's been really hard to come up with anyone. I tell people things, but I don't usually let them see me hurting, and if I do it's on accident, when they're sitting in my dining room unexpectedly. I shut people out from what I'm really feeling, and yet one of the things I long for most deeply is intimacy in my friendships, but even more deeply, with Christ. I'm understanding this thought on love...it's hard. Trully loving people means you will almost always get hurt in some way, whether it's by a person's rejection or failure to come through for you or even the end of a friendship. I have been failed by others and I have failed others numerous times, as I'm sure is the same for you.

But this is where God calls us to seek Him for our deepest needs of being loved and feeling like we matter. The failure of others, the lonliness you often feel when choosing to love someone boldly and biblically ought to call us to embrace the lonliness we feel and seek God there. The joy of finding Christ is what we are meant to find when we seek Him there.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

"The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."
Psalm 16:4-6

All to You

Today I was obsessed with learning this song:

I can’t wait to get out of here
I can’t fake through this pain I feel
It’s been too long, that I’ve been gone
Now I’m coming back, I’m coming back
So long, it’s gone
This burden that I carry

I’ll give it all to You, to You

I wade out and the waves are bigger
I can’t sort through all this junk so I surrender
I’ve gone on, way too long
Now I’ve had enough, I’ll give it up to you
This storm is great, but You are so much greater

CHORUS

I can’t wait to see you standing there so bright and special
And all the waves that crashed around my head
Fall silent at the whisper of your voice

It's April and I think I'm finally seeing. At least glimpses. God has been faithful, and will continue to be. Which is crazy, because I'm just seeing the grossness of my sin. And I'm hearing about the beauty of Jesus and ever so slowly beginning to believe again that He really has covered my sin, that He desires and delights to do it, and that He had covered EVERYTHING, not just my past and my present sin, but also my future sin. I just don't get how much I need Him, I don't understand the lengths of His salvation. But I know I need a Savior, I need my Savior, my Jesus. And that He wants to do a good work in me. And that He "who calls [me] is faithful; He will DO IT" (1 thess 5:24).

All we like sheep have gone astray, we have - everyone - turned to his own way, and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. (Is 53:6)

All I can say is I want to BE and not DO, I want to LOVE, and I want to MATTER for spreading His glory - I want to be part of it. I don't want to be the same tomorrow as I am even today. I want to be compelled by the love of my Jesus for me. Oh the implications of such desires...

Underneath all this I want to know and feel and experience His love so that everything else pleasurable loses its pleasure if it's not from Him. Because everything is a waste if it's not about the Saving, Redeeming, Breathtaking, Eternal Jesus. Without Him, life is meaningless. Where else can I go?

post-phone call

she writes and writes but says nothing, seeking more than what she sees, wishing for an open heart to receive and pour and receive and pour, here she sits not seeing what can not be seen with her eyes but hoping and trusting that there is more going on than what seems so hopeless.

HE will answer her.

He is her desire, where there is no desire to feel
He is her faith where faith cannot be found
He is her righteousness where death once reigned- it threatens now, but fails at the power of His sacrifice, it WILL NOT win.
He is her hope, He is her love, He is her refuge, He is her everything, He is her Jesus.

ok, so sometimes I hate change

do you ever have these friendships that rock so much for lots of time, and then something changes, whether between the two of you or at the encouragement of some outsider, or even due to some unknown random catalyst?

Yeah I don't like that. I know there are seasons for friendships, and that friendships basically always have to change, because otherwise it will get stale, but sometimes I don't think the change is for the better. Sometimes the change makes things unhappy and confusing, where you feel just like your dog died or something.

So I think I'm mourning that change right now. Usually when I do this, I run away, but in this instance, it's not all that possible. I mean, if I really tried, I could, but that would mean sacrificing a lot of other important things that I'm not willing to sacrifice. So the solution? Grin and bear it. And trust that my Jesus, who withholds no good thing from me, has the best in mind and is going to take care of it. If not on the outside, at least within my own heart.

And that brings to mind another thing: I miss Him. Do you ever get that? David did - "In your presence there is fullness of joy." I'm in his presence, I know, but I want it all. I don't want the mirror. But waiting makes things sweeter. I know it does. And it changes my heart, which is probably what I really need right now. I need more of Him and less of me.

Response

So, you know how things have been kinda crazy in a not so hot kind of way? Yeah, God is FAITHFUL. 1 Thess 5:21-24. Or Something.

The week has been full of self-discovery revealed by my favorite Jesus. He showed me my pride. Oooooooh, my pride, YUCK. And He's opening my heart to learn (again, for the first time) what it really means to live by grace. This is an awesome thing. Because with grace, your sin drives you to the Cross to be made clean and whole, not away from God. Grace is only possible to live by when you're humble. Not that I don't need work still on this, but that's why I'm learning. I like to learn from God, because it's like drinking the purest and most refreshing water you could ever imagine. And I can't ever get enough of it or too much of it...like you know when you drink too much water too fast and you can feel the water sloshing around in your stomach? Yeah, God's not like that.

I went to a Campus Outreach meeting tonight at church, and was refreshed. I had forgotten how much I love the teaching there. And the worship. And the theology. and the people. And wow, it had grown SO MUCH since even last semester. God is doing amazing things in that ministry. I hope He continues to bless it, because I am ALL FOR what they're about. They're about Jesus and people knowing Jesus better every day and loving Him with their MINDS AND THEIR HEARTS. They're about His glory. They're not perfect, but they are seeking after Him and God is giving Himself to them. Being there makes it hard not to want to get right in the middle of what they're doing. Thinking about that makes me think about how I struggled last year with leaving Navs and joining CO, and then I knew God wanted me with Navs. But is that still where He wants me? Or maybe He wants me with Navs on another campus. Or maybe He wants something entirely different and I'm just refusing to listen. I'm not sure about any of this, but I am sure of one thing. In ministry, I want to be about first pursuing God passionately with my own heart and mind, and second about pursuing others passionately for Him so that their hearts will connect with Him and they will begin to pursue Him passionately with their whole hearts and minds. HEARTS AND MINDS. For their JOY, and HIS GLORY.

Can you even believe what and Who we are made for? How big is our God and how small are we? Why on EARTH did He even think to create us? BECAUSE (I heard this illustration tonight) He and His Son and His Spirit - the Trinity - are by nature so full and whole and complete that they overflow like a fountain. So it's like He is by nature a Creator because there is so much of Him. Can you even fathom the billions of stars that are in our own galaxy? Let alone the billions upon billions upon billions in the billions upon billions of galaxies there are? And this God NAMED THOSE STARS, EACH ONE?? He MADE ME? I can't even begin to understand infinity, and I can't even begin to understand my God. But He's MY GOD! He gave himself to me?! Lord, WHAT CAN I DO TO SPREAD YOUR FAME ON MY CAMPUS? What can I do to show everyone I meet JUST HOW GREAT YOU ARE?

He is worthy of worship. Not just for what I just said, but for His mercy on me because I don't praise Him or worship Him like I ought. I can't wait for no more sin so I can worship and love and enjoy my Jesus better. I feel so free right now I could fly. How PRECIOUS is the Cross. How CENTRAL! How TRUE! How RIGHT! How GOOD and PERFECT and MARVELOUS!

Whew, I'm tired. Yay for good tiredness, that's all I have to say. And Praise God for making me able to see and savor and worship Him tonight, and let it always be like this and let it always be MORE like this than it was the day before.