5 AM...8.5 hours to due date of last final. less time than that to finish due to work at noon. possible freak out moment.

Alright, so I know for sure that I WILL get this paper done, it's only a matter of prayer (mostly) and determination (less, since I have but little). That sounds kind of poetic.

I was going through past quiet times earlier today, and in reading my previous thoughts, I realized that I have been afraid to listen to God, afraid to surrender. Because I know He wants sacrifice for the Joy set before me. But, stupid me, my clinging to certain sins such as needing control and needing a financial cushion, needing SAFETY, and simply and childishly just wanting my own way, has kept me from turning to face Him. There is no safety or security in this life, my only guarentee is Christ, and how many times has that been proven in my life? He has regardless been faithful (remember 2 Tim 2:13? If we are faithless, He is faithful for He cannot disown Himself). Man can I attest to His faithfulness this semester, if for nothing else than keeping me from giving into that awful awful depression that even now threatens to overcome me. It's more powerful than I am, but Christ is more powerful than darkness.

At the beginning of the semester, I prayed for brokenness, for an awareness of my need for Him, because frankly I wasn't feelin' it. Man do I feel it now! I've been feeling it since the day I prayed it, when God broke me of my thinking that I could control my finances and that it was my own abilities that allowed me to do so well in my classes. I will never forget that. And now, when I am so close to rest (though so very VERY far from it with this paper not even halfway written), I feel such a hunger to fall facedown before Him. That's all I want to do. Where He is, there is the peace and joy and PASSION that I am longing for. It's not in how much weight I lose. It's not in finding "the guy". It's not in the attention I get from guys. I am so silly for trying to find my satisfaction there. How many times have I gone there and found nothing but unsatisfied longings and even hurt? How many times will I do it again? These are just a few things that I always think I want more than anything, but they always fail me. God does not. I cannot think of one single time where He has. So I come back and ask Him again to please not give me what I think I want if it's going to take the place in my heart which He absolutely deserves.

I think I'm done now...back to the paper.