heading home for Christmas...

Tomorrow I'm heading home for Christmas, and I have to say I'm a little nervous. Family holidays have been not good since about senior year. They're depressing, really. Well, I shouldn't say that, but they certainly cause some grief. No, home is not a relaxing place. But I love them more than anything...honestly, I don't know if I'll love my own children more. But I'm not a mom yet (no chance of that until there's a husband, and I'm not thinking about that anytime soon), so maybe I just don't know.

Anyway, I was reading again today, and God totally struck my heart with just how helpless I am. I can't even make myself love Him. But He mercifully and graciously is enabling me to do so. Every act of obedience to Him is a gift from Him, for Him, and to Him. Wow, the reality of Romans 11:36 is resounding in my heart. ("All things are from Him, to Him, and through Him; to Him be the glory forever and ever.")

I've realized too, how much of a blessing my growing intimacy with Christ is. I seriously can't wait for the day when I can actually give Him a big huge hug. I think I might end up hugging His ankles though, otherwise I don't really know how my bowing and hugging would go together. :)

This also just makes me HURT for my dad. I miss him so much. And I wish he would just talk to someone, and not just talk but really say what's going on. Though in a lot of things he's very transparent, but maybe that's because I know I'm so much like him. I've been afraid of that, because I don't want to end up like him. But I can't help but wonder if that's actually a blessing. Maybe God wants to use me...I don't know how. From my perspective, getting to his heart is impossible, but then, hey, look at God's promise that "what is impossible with man is possible with God" (Matthew 19:26). The only thing that has kept me from pursuing my relationship with my dad is hurt, fear, and pride. Three things that add up to lack of faith. By letting him ignore our problems just to avoid conflict, I'm not loving him. Kindness is not always niceness. And love is not always tolerance. It's forgiveness and patience and selfless and pursuing what's best for a person and MOST of all, pointing them to Christ in everything. Because He is our greatest joy and satisfaction. I'm none of those things, or at least I haven't shown any of them in my relationship with my dad.

And that begs the question of how I can forget myself and live my life for strangers when I can't even do it with him. I want to, I long for that kind of selflessness. Which again brings me back to the promise that it's a gift. Jesus will help me, he has so far. :) 1 Samuel 7. Thus far the Lord has helped me.

Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I'm come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger, wand'ring from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger, interposed His precious blood.

I totally love hymns, by the way, they're so amazingly full of good theology.