untitled

Well, I'm back home now. My Minneapolis home. Tomorrow I work from 12:15 to 6. Then on to a New Year's party. Then, work the next day. Afterwards, more work, and hopefully at least a week of reclusiveness. That's a word, right? Hopefully.

Leaving Georgia was not the worst thing I did today. I feel less stressed. I am aware that I now need to throw myself into seeking God's will for this semester, and this summer. I should have been doing that all along. So, early New Year's resolutions (Normally, I'm not a big fan of those, but these are more akin to my impossible prayer list):

1. pray for my church at home (Mt. Zion) for the Gospel to be preached boldly and without fear

2. pray MORE, especially for other people

3. seek God for His plan for this summer--if it's Norway or something else. I'm not quite sure what else it would be.

Ahh, these seem to general, and I'm not committed right now. Maybe later. My mom and I had a conversation at Starbucks today (I got a free drink certificate because they messed up my drink, how stinkin' awesome is that?). But yeah, we had a conversation about GRAD SCHOOL. She wants me to absolutely go, and to go right away. I'm not sure I want to do that. I mean, yeah, it's totally a possibility, and it would be nice to go and get a Master's of Divinity and study the Bible in depth from a Christian perspective again. Then I wouldn't feel like I was fighting my professors in my classes all the time. Seeing the unbelief in my classes gets really discouraging and quite frankly, heartbreaking, a lot of the time. So that's an advantage. But I'm just not sure that's where my heart is. I want to get out of this country! I want to start giving my life away in more practical, everyday type ways. But then, yeah...I can do that anywhere. I should already be doing it. Maybe Edgecorps...but I don't know if I want to continue doing ministry with Navs. I just know that I want to be equipped for giving my life away. I am sick of living for myself. It's not about how much money I'll make. God will provide me with what I need, including insurance for medical stuff (that's my mom's biggest concern). She'll be disappointed if I don't go right away. Mainly because of her own situation and how that turned out. But there is where I just need to trust God and ask her to do the same. He has infinite resources, and a very specific plan. He's given me this faith for a reason. He intends to use it. I TRUST HIM.

I know He'll change her heart. He did it last summer. And she is totally seeking Him, so I have no concerns that His heart for me will become her heart for me. So, there are obviously a ton of psalms that speak to my heart, but none so much right now as Psalm 73. God carries me through my visits home. He keeps me from despairing. Just because He decided to love me. Not because I am anything...He loves me apart from all my accomplishments, my personality traits, everything. It's weird, I don't get it. I just called God weird. That's ok, He knows what I mean. He Himself has produced all the gratitude that's in my heart. So many things are going through my head right now. Anyway, here's Psalm 73.


Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.

2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong. [a]
5 They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity [b] ;
the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance. [c]
11 They say, "How can God know?
Does the Most High have knowledge?"

12 This is what the wicked are like-
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.

15 If I had said, "I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!
20 As a dream when one awakes,
so when you arise, O Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

So Good. :)

and tomorrow I'm back in Minnesota

Well, today was a much better day. It was just me and my mom today. Except she went to work, so I hung out with a good friend of mine. We went to my favorite place to eat, the Marietta Diner (not very classy, I know, but what can I say? It doesn't take a lot to please me), and sat there for two hours talking. It was good. Then we went back to my house and watched Mean Girls; it made me think how I'm glad that I went to a non-traditional high school and how having gone to one I might have turned out quite differently.

The best thing, though, was hanging out with my mom. It was just her and me and we had very good conversation. She said something to me that just totally made me joyful--that she was finding out that you have to love God more than even those closest to you. Even her family. That was so cool. I thank God that she is realizing that even the most precious relationship with a person can't, won't, and absolutely shouldn't satisfy you. God is the only thing. That was a Christ-glorifying conversation. :) This conversation reminded me that patience is a fruit of the Spirit. And also that God does things in His timing. I need to keep trusting in His plans. I can't force them along. And I wonder if that is something I've been trying to do--force along His plans. I just need to wait. David did. Paul did. Even Jesus did.

A new thought entered my mind too. My mom mentioned how our new pastor is really hoping to develop the evangelism ministry. I thought it might be cool to be part of it. But it's just a thought. Who knows where God will lead me this summer. But for now, I'm tired. Tomorrow I fly home.

day 3

Day 3 at home, that is. You realize my postings will probably diminish after I get back into the school routine. It usually happens that way. Come to think of it, many of my blogs have begun around the "going home" time. Funny.

Well, today was another day of shopping--not so much the biggest fan, but that does not mean I'm ungrateful. I don't get how my mom does it. Maybe that's her way of showig love? I've said that before. Maybe she feels guilty. I'm not quite sure. But yesterday, I did manage to dress my sister in Gap clothes...did I mention that already? I'm too lazy to look. But I felt like quite the sales girl...I feel like I should get a retail gold star. Oh dear, I'm becoming a slave to capitalism. It's time to fight the good fight. Some more.

By the way, I love Scrabble. We played that last night, and it was so fun. Then tonight, with some of my high school friends, I saw the tail end of Dodgeball and then Gladiator. Not so much a fan of Dodgeball. People said it was funny, and it was, until the end when they had to mess it up with a lesbian reference/display and some very foul language. Not so much a fan. Gladiator, then, was good. Although it made me grimace quite a bit and it reminded me of how American culture is on the fast road towards Roman culture. Don't believe me? Ok, tell me that in 30 years.

And I was in a cranky mood today. It started out trying to fill my contact lense prescription and then went downhill. Then I started thinking about my conversation with my dad again. And how since then I've spent less than 5 minutes with him. He leaves for Florida tomorrow too. I'm a bad daughter.

Home is fairly heartbreaking. I'd rather return all the new clothes I got. I'd rather just talk with my family. But we don't talk so much, because it hurts too much. But that's what I really want to do...I want to talk with my family for real, I want to speak truth, I want healing. And the death toll in Indonesia is rising. A broken family seems so little in comparison. And this reminds me of how desperately I, and the world, need Christ. And here Hebrews 12:1-4 comes to mind: "1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." I am in danger of growing weary, as much of me has already. But this is what Christ died for. This is why He called me.
Surrender. Surrender seems to be the key verb here. I know it's not mentioned in these verses, but it's in my heart.

day 4

Well, I had breakfast with my brother and dad this morning, and then they and my sister left for Florida to visit my grandparents. So tonight it was just me and my mom. Usually we talk a lot, but tonight we really didn't. We saw Napoleon Dynamite. Not as funny as I was told. Then we went to starbucks, then home and watched the best of Will Ferrill. Man, it was a depressing night; my mom and I have gotten a little snippy with each other.

Not good.

I can't say I won't be glad to be back in Minnesota on Thursday.

I hate how I spend money, how I let my mom spend money. I hate how everytime I come home I just turn off after a few days. I don't want my family to be like this! I haven't really spent any time with God since I've been home. And this is where I need Him most. I can't wait for January 3.

Seeing how awful my family has turned out has made me just long to have my own family, to start over, to do things right. But I know that's not completely where it's at, because I can't just run away. But I felt quite strongly the desire to meet that guy. Stupid girl thing, I know. And I'm not quite sure if it should ever happen, because of my tendency to want him to be the one to comfort me and provide for me and protect me. Maybe that isn't bad, but I can't do that, that's too much pressure, nobody is that strong. I don't know, I'm confused and it's not like I actually have someone in mind. Why do I feel like I'm 5? I need my dad to be a dad. I don't want to be independent, and I know I'm not, but God is feeling so far away right now. He is a father to the fatherless. Lord, I just need to feel that right now.

Today is Sunday and Christmas has come and gone. Sadly, yesterday didn't even really feel like Christmas, and it ended in frustration and tears...lots of them. thanks to the good old father-daughter conversation, the first since May.

Do you ever feel like you're saying one thing to someone and they don't understand what it means at all? Like you're on two completely different wavelengths. It doesn't stop me from loving him with my whole heart, but I just wonder if all we really did was try to convince the other person that they're wrong. It felt like there was very little listening going on. Except in the acknowlegement that we both love each other very much.

Today was a different day--it began, of course, with church. I can't help but ask myself if my heart towards people is just too prideful. I AM concerned with the truth. I have a passionate desire for it. I know it's preached at Bethlehem. I don't know that I could say that about Mt. Zion without reservation. But then the rest of today all I did was shop. I got a great skirt at Ann Taylor for only $20...score. And some hot earrings. Yay for Christmas money. I didn't spend all of it though. I don't want to. Well, I mean, I do, but I want to give it away. I really want to give to my Aunt and Uncle though. God is leading them to adopt a 16 year old girl and her 14 year old brother from Russia, and they have to raise $24,000 by February. Can you believe that? It's hard to fathom, but I KNOW without a doubt (faith, yeah) that it will happen if God desires it to. He will complete the task He has called them to. It's really cool, because my Aunt emailed a ton of people asking for clothing donations for the orphanage (another lady she knows was affiliated with it somehow)...but anyway, everyone she emailed sent money instead. I'm pretty sure they're going to use that towards the $24,000...man that's a lot of money. I can't wait to see this happen. And how cool will it be to have Russian cousins! They don't speak any English, I don't think, but hey. Still. Praise God. :D

Two situations, both impossible. I know God will come through. He's never not before. This may not really apply all that much to these situations, but this passage just came to mind:

"For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of Christ. But by the grace of God I am what I am, His grace was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all the others, yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me." 1 Corinthians 15:9-10

I have reached my pinnacle

Ok, so maybe I haven't really reached my pinnacle, but man, crazy about that earthquake. Awful, really. It's so sad to hear about things like that. And scary. It makes you think. I read that the earthquake was the biggest they've seen in awhile:

"The earthquake that caused the tsunami was the largest since a 9.2 temblor hit Prince William Sound in Alaska in 1964, according to geophysicist Julie Martinez of the U.S. Geological Survey.
''All the planet is vibrating'' from the quake, said Enzo Boschi, the head of Italy's National Geophysics Institute. Speaking on SKY TG24 TV, Boschi said the quake even disturbed the Earth's rotation."

That's just from some online news story I was reading. But wow. I wonder why America doesn't really experience natural disasters like that. Or maybe we do and I just don't know about them.

To tangent off of that thought, I want to leave the US and go abroad. I want to live among people who don't live or think like I do. I want to become part of their lives. I want to be in a place where I am not so easily sedated into thinking that safety is where it's at. There is a danger to the indulgent way Americans live. No, I don't think we're all gluttons. But I think a lot of us are in some way or another. Gluttony isn't confined to food just as lust isn't confined to sex.

Norway? I think maybe. I just need to submit, sit down, and ask. Money? that's a problem for getting and living there. Family? I don't want to abandon them, but I want to go where He leads me.

I'm too tired to think right now. I'll pick up where I left off tomorrow.

heading home for Christmas...

Tomorrow I'm heading home for Christmas, and I have to say I'm a little nervous. Family holidays have been not good since about senior year. They're depressing, really. Well, I shouldn't say that, but they certainly cause some grief. No, home is not a relaxing place. But I love them more than anything...honestly, I don't know if I'll love my own children more. But I'm not a mom yet (no chance of that until there's a husband, and I'm not thinking about that anytime soon), so maybe I just don't know.

Anyway, I was reading again today, and God totally struck my heart with just how helpless I am. I can't even make myself love Him. But He mercifully and graciously is enabling me to do so. Every act of obedience to Him is a gift from Him, for Him, and to Him. Wow, the reality of Romans 11:36 is resounding in my heart. ("All things are from Him, to Him, and through Him; to Him be the glory forever and ever.")

I've realized too, how much of a blessing my growing intimacy with Christ is. I seriously can't wait for the day when I can actually give Him a big huge hug. I think I might end up hugging His ankles though, otherwise I don't really know how my bowing and hugging would go together. :)

This also just makes me HURT for my dad. I miss him so much. And I wish he would just talk to someone, and not just talk but really say what's going on. Though in a lot of things he's very transparent, but maybe that's because I know I'm so much like him. I've been afraid of that, because I don't want to end up like him. But I can't help but wonder if that's actually a blessing. Maybe God wants to use me...I don't know how. From my perspective, getting to his heart is impossible, but then, hey, look at God's promise that "what is impossible with man is possible with God" (Matthew 19:26). The only thing that has kept me from pursuing my relationship with my dad is hurt, fear, and pride. Three things that add up to lack of faith. By letting him ignore our problems just to avoid conflict, I'm not loving him. Kindness is not always niceness. And love is not always tolerance. It's forgiveness and patience and selfless and pursuing what's best for a person and MOST of all, pointing them to Christ in everything. Because He is our greatest joy and satisfaction. I'm none of those things, or at least I haven't shown any of them in my relationship with my dad.

And that begs the question of how I can forget myself and live my life for strangers when I can't even do it with him. I want to, I long for that kind of selflessness. Which again brings me back to the promise that it's a gift. Jesus will help me, he has so far. :) 1 Samuel 7. Thus far the Lord has helped me.

Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I'm come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger, wand'ring from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger, interposed His precious blood.

I totally love hymns, by the way, they're so amazingly full of good theology.

and at the end of the day...

Today was a good day. I was tired and could barely stand up for a lot of it, but it was a day of weakness and I had to depend on God so much today and it was SO GOOD. On my hour I got a chance to read some of J Pipe's book and this is the part that impacted me most:

"The natural person, the person defined by flesh, but not yet changed by Christ, is so hostile in mind to God's glorious authority (not submitting to His law) that he cannot delight in God or rejoice in His ways. He can do many religious and moral things, but his heart is far from God (Matt 15:8), and he cannot make himself stop seeing the greatness and authority of God as undesirable."

Of course, that is talking about non-Christians, so I'm not there anymore, but the fight to see is still there (and I am only able to engage in the fight because Jesus is doing His Work in me)...yeah, Piper had also talked earlier about how the fight for joy is mainly a fight to see the glory of Christ, and man did that get me. I was struggling so hard to see it, and mostly I was struggling by my own power, and I failed A LOT. I became tired and didn't even want to keep going, I was tired of fighting. It's so easy to slip back into legalism mode. But that's why God made our relationships with the body of Christ so important. Community. God did not create us to be lone Christians. Thank YOU.

But I should do what's good for my body and get some sleep (one hour last night). I have to work again tomorrow.

Fairest Lord Jesus, ruler of all nature
O Thou of God and Thou of man
Thee will I cherish, Thee will I honor
Thou my soul's glory, joy, and crown

the semester is officially over

one word: RELIEF!

5 AM...8.5 hours to due date of last final. less time than that to finish due to work at noon. possible freak out moment.

Alright, so I know for sure that I WILL get this paper done, it's only a matter of prayer (mostly) and determination (less, since I have but little). That sounds kind of poetic.

I was going through past quiet times earlier today, and in reading my previous thoughts, I realized that I have been afraid to listen to God, afraid to surrender. Because I know He wants sacrifice for the Joy set before me. But, stupid me, my clinging to certain sins such as needing control and needing a financial cushion, needing SAFETY, and simply and childishly just wanting my own way, has kept me from turning to face Him. There is no safety or security in this life, my only guarentee is Christ, and how many times has that been proven in my life? He has regardless been faithful (remember 2 Tim 2:13? If we are faithless, He is faithful for He cannot disown Himself). Man can I attest to His faithfulness this semester, if for nothing else than keeping me from giving into that awful awful depression that even now threatens to overcome me. It's more powerful than I am, but Christ is more powerful than darkness.

At the beginning of the semester, I prayed for brokenness, for an awareness of my need for Him, because frankly I wasn't feelin' it. Man do I feel it now! I've been feeling it since the day I prayed it, when God broke me of my thinking that I could control my finances and that it was my own abilities that allowed me to do so well in my classes. I will never forget that. And now, when I am so close to rest (though so very VERY far from it with this paper not even halfway written), I feel such a hunger to fall facedown before Him. That's all I want to do. Where He is, there is the peace and joy and PASSION that I am longing for. It's not in how much weight I lose. It's not in finding "the guy". It's not in the attention I get from guys. I am so silly for trying to find my satisfaction there. How many times have I gone there and found nothing but unsatisfied longings and even hurt? How many times will I do it again? These are just a few things that I always think I want more than anything, but they always fail me. God does not. I cannot think of one single time where He has. So I come back and ask Him again to please not give me what I think I want if it's going to take the place in my heart which He absolutely deserves.

I think I'm done now...back to the paper.

This could be the first

So because of a friend of mine, I was inspired to start writing again. I'm not quite sure what this means. Except that my private thoughts will now become public. Maybe I should change my name. Just a thought. Anyway, this first one is a short one because I should actually be writing a 7-page final paper. I can't wait for this to be over. I've been pushing myself all semester, and I think I've been spread too thin. So next semester, only 13 credits on top of people, Navs (which is up in the air...I may bow out), and work. And then there's Norway. I haven't prayed about that in awhile, and I need to. There's a lot I need to pray about that I've been neglecting. That's really what I'm looking forward to during the break...more alone time with Jesus. Resting in His presence more. Now that's exciting. :)