describe yourself

Ok, I've been thinking about this for some time now. If one wants to understand who I am, they must not separate me from God. To do so would be to have a completely incorrect view of who I am, who I was, how I became who I am, why I choose to live my life the way I do, and who I am going to be. My identity is entirely wrapped up in Christ, after all He made me and knew me even before I was formed. He chose me. That is a belief, a conviction that will last a lifetime.

And I have faith that it will, because it's not me who keeps this conviction, but Christ in me, the Son of God whose Father promised that He will faithfully complete the task He has begun in me. He will bring my sanctification to completion, while not while I'm alive here, but certainly He will continue to refine my character, my values, and most importantly my heart for the rest of my days.

If you want to know who I am, what I'm about, read the life of Jesus Christ. Read the Gospels. I'm not claiming that I am perfect, I know I am not and will never be on this earth, but He is who I long to be like. He, by His grace, is my heartbeat.

I know I'm going to change, but my convictions about Jesus Christ will not, for as long as I live and afterward. If my understanding of my faith changes, it will only be a growing, experiential knowledge that Jesus is all He claims to be, that I am undeserving of the new life in which He sacrificed Himself to give me, and that the one absolute Truth is wrapped up completely in the person of Jesus Christ. And I live with these convictions in mind solely because He revealed Himself to me. He changed me. And I am not scared of being ridiculed or thought foolish for holding these beliefs, because Jesus took on much more than that for a wretched sinner like me. He loved me for no other reason than because He chose to. I won't deny Him.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:20

new thought

It seems this is beginning to take the place of my journal. That could be good or bad.

At any rate, at a party tonight I had a conversation with a guy named Mark, and he brought up a good point, something which I definitely think I needed to be reminded about. Even good things can become idols. The point of Christianity is not the "religious activities" it's Jesus. Without the relationship with Christ you cannot be accurately called a Christian. If Jesus were not who He said He was, that is the Son of God who came to set the world free spiritually, then Christianity has no logical basis and is a complete waste of time. As it is, I believe that Jesus is all He claimed to be, and so I believe that my relationship to Him is of utmost importance.

So this talk with Mark got me thinking about my desire for missions, and to come a little closer to my current life, my involvement with Bethlehem and Navigators and hopefully Campus Outreach. If I am forsaking Christ in what He's calling me to do and I go with a different ministry in a different direction, the potentially good thing that I am doing becomes idolatrous, because I am placing my own desires before Christ. So, do I want to do missions? Absolutely. But I must hold it with an open hand, as Carmela once said, and be ready to drop everything and go a completely different direction if He so calls me. That includes my current thought process on Navs. I follow Christ, I do NOT follow Navs, I do NOT follow John Piper, and I do NOT follow Carmela or Campus Outreach. And I have to continually remind myself of that.

Today was a good day.

...

all I can really think to say, beyond the comment that I really like snow, is that I just want to GO, as Laura said yesterday.

I have to choose between two ministries, and to what capacity this choice will affect my involvement in either (or both) is at this point beyond my knowledge. But I desire to learn more and grow more, and mostly to be challenged more. But Laura brought up a good point on not overlooking the relationships and leadership I have established within Navigators. And then, there are the motives of my heart. Does my frustration with Navigators have more to do with my own pride? I need to make a decision on this. Mostly I need to stop talking and start listening to what God has to say.

On another topic, I came across some verses that really spoke to my heart, verses that I've needed and am now in the process of memorizing, because I desire to overcome the sins that God has brought to light at this point in my life.

"Who can discern His errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
Keep Your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me,
then I will be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."
Psalm 19:12-14

And because of a conversation I had with a friend yesterday I was reminded at the transformation that Christ made in my heart. It was funny, because I wouldn't even have really thought about it if he hadn't said anything about how the person I was, how I described myself, was so different from the person I am now. And it's true, I'm not who I was when I first followed Christ, and it's all due to Him that I am who I am today. If I weren't a Christian, I'd be living the same today as I was in high school. I can remember the changes too, and they were painful. I didn't want to let go of my sins. I wanted to hold on. I wasn't willing to trust Christ to fill the emptiness I was using those things to fill. I was so weak in my desire to follow Christ that all I could even do was ask God to rip the sins out of my hand Himself because I just couldn't do it. And I remember the joy and the excitement of growing in Him amidst the pain of having something like that taken from your life. I'm thinking about this, because I think I'm in a similar spot in my life right now, and I'm hesitating and I don't even know why. God made me new, and He promises to keep doing so all the way up until I get to heaven, and then everything will be removed that inhibits the joy of Christ.

There's still so much to think about, but I have hope in knowing that I'm closer to a decision.

a cooking endeavor

tonight I had two successful cooking incidences. it was really fun. Easy, but fun. I made spaghetti sauce first...spaghetti with meatballs, although I did not actually make the meatballs myself, but I made the rest of the sauce and it was still good. I've inherited my mother's love for garlic. Then I made a very low fat version of this chocolate chip cookie recipe, which doesn't sound like you could mess it up too badly, but I thought I did. I used wheat flour instead of white by mistake (how dumb am I?), and substituted a lot of less fattening stuff for the more fattening stuff. So I was afraid. Very afraid. But the cookies turned out well. My roommate, whose recipe I tinkered with, even said she liked them (I didn't even ask). So it was a successful night.

I'm sure this is all very interesting to those reading this. All two of you. Hopefully not too many more. :)

Anyway, I just finished my laundry, finally...it was seriously a four day task because I haven't done it in so long. And yet I still had clean clothes left. Or at least semi-clean. That's probably gross. But I was in the basement ironing my shirt when I totally just all of a sudden felt weak, and not really physically weak, but more just that ache in the center of my chest that I get sometimes. I have come to know that feeling well, and I could describe it as a physical manifestation of longing. It's my longing for Christ, though sometimes I mistake it for my longing for "the guy". Though I know that's a real longing too. But I don't worry about that so much anymore, because I know God has His timing and it's a good timing. I'm not worrying about Jesus either, really, it's just that "now we see dimly" thing. I'll just quote the verse in case I'm being too vague:

"Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12.

The joy of heaven is knowing Christ in full, without sin to distract me or tear me down or stop me from worshiping Him. No more tears. No more pain or struggle. That's what makes this struggle worth it. Can you imagine the freedom? I've been blessed to taste it, and I want more! Everytime He overcomes a sin in my life I feel the freedom that much more.

By the way, I started a new book: The Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel. He was an atheist, and a journalist at the Chicago Tribune who, upon an investigation meant to prove Christianity wrong, ended up finding Jesus. C. S. Lewis has a similar story, except he was a noted scholar and professor and Cainbridge University in England. Two cool guys right there.

for this semester

My prayer for this semester is that my number one priority be seeking the Person of Jesus Christ, that He will be my end, not my means to His blessings.

With that said, He answered all my prayers today.

1) I prayed that my buspass would come in the mail today so I could save my cash. It came. :)
2) I prayed that the line for the student kiosk move quickly so I could find my class in the ten minutes I had to get there, and it did (when previously it moved really slow). And I got to class well within ten minutes.

Those are the two that come to mind immediately. Also, I pray for a more compassionate heart. My political sociology class is going to be really really good, I think. The professor on my first impression seems to be less biased than one would expect, though the people in the class are definitely democrats. At least the vocal ones. But I don't see that as a bad thing at all. I want to understand more where they're coming from, and I want to listen. The more I read of the Bible, however, specifically Jesus' words in Matthew, the more I see a need to continue to resist blindly aligning myself with "conservatives" or "Republicans". I follow Christ, not Bush. I think Bush is genuinely a man of God, but he's not God Himself. God puts all powers in all governments in place for His purposes, and man can't thwart those. If Kerry had won, I'd be saying the same thing. My allegiance is to Christ. And so I acknowledge the importance of caring for the poor, not to be a good person but because Jesus loves them and love is not simply a feeling but an action as well. I think this class will be good for me. The thing I'm most nervous about is the discussion that I'm positive will come up often, women's rights, namely abortion. I won't change my mind on that one bit, so I'm praying that God will grant me wisdom on when to speak up and compassion on those who are for it, rather than anger.

I still am not so happy about the beginning of the semester, but I think it will be good. Because God is good. Mostly, I want to grow in Him.

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

"He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

Grace

I just got back from hanging out with two of the most important women in my life, Carmela and Hillary. Carmela discipled me last year and has become one of my closest friends, Hillary was my roommate and I got to share in the joy of seeing her come to Christ last year. Jesus has made them both amazing. I realized that hanging out with them is good because I can cry and not feel stupid, I can share my struggles and mull over questions and doubts and fears with them. They are friends with whom I can share the burden. And I can laugh and have fun and be silly without feeling like a dork. They're my sisters.

The past couple of days I have been passionate about my desire to throw off every sin that entangles to run the race set before me. I want to live radically for Jesus Christ. He is everything, and I say that so often but I can't say it enough. If you take Jesus from your perspective of who I am, you've got nothing left. Maybe you've got a girl who may be kind of nice to look at sometimes. But Christ is my purpose, my means AND my end. When my soul is downcast, His Holy Spirit lifts me up. He has always provided everything. No argument, no logic is big enough or smart enough to argue Him out of existence. He did exist in the world. He does today. He's real. He is worthy of my life and I'm going to follow Him. My end is not to know the Bible. The Bible, which is absolutely important, is still just a means of knowing Christ. The whole entire thing, Old and New Testament, point to Jesus Christ. My end is not to be a "good" person. There is no good aside from Jesus Christ. There is no one righteous aside from God. And I'm sick of allowing myself to be pacified for even a moment into thinking that I am good, that I am righteous, that I can be satisfied by the temporal, abbreviated pleasures this world has to offer me. NO, I will not be deceived, because I cling to Jesus; He keeps me fully by His mercy and love, and so I am His, I will live and die by His command. Because He loves me. He loves me. He is my Father, the One who will never leave me or forsake me, the One who keeps His word and opens my eyes to seeing the glory of a life lived solely for Him. He has wooed me and I've fallen head over heels for this Savior. He chose me when I wouldn't even fully recognize my own sinfulness. He convicted me, but never condemned. How can I live life for my own pleasure after that? God's purposes ARE my desires, my pleasure, my joy. NOT food, NOT a husband, NOT being skinny, NOT having new things or money or good health or lots of friends. I don't want to live for myself. I don't want the American dream. It's not good enough!! I want eternal glory and joy in Christ. Am I missing out on life by living this way? By giving up these things that pass away like the grass?? NO, I am living life abundantly, satisfied in the neverending Jesus, the Jesus who keeps showing me His mercies, new every morning.

Seek Jesus. He calls to everyone, if they'll just listen and respond.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

God is not like man, and that is the worst thing we do in trying to understand Him and the things He does. All things work together for His good purpose. He is not like man, that He should lie. He sees all things, He is timeless and knows the end. He knows the good purpose in the pain we experience for the moment, we do not.

Man is arrogant, trying to make God like him. We are the created, He the Creator. He does not change, we change almost every moment. Our circumstances change. Even I, in my desire to make Him known, have no control, no power over what happens to me or the people in my life. Only God does, and it's hitting me so strongly, and it makes me weep for those who don't know Him--though there is always hope.

Oh, today is my sister's birthday. She's 18. Crazy.

disatisfaction

despite what the title of this entry would suggest, I'm in a good mood, but it's the kind of mood where I'm delighting in my intense longing for more, because I haven't felt this alive in some time. I have to be careful, because Satan knows my weaknesses, he knows how to attack me, but I am firmly set on Christ. I'm ready to go. Mainly it's because of a good friend who emailed me. The faith God has blessed her with is so beautiful, and she encourages me and challenges me everytime I talk to her or even think of her. She is the epitome of the "iron sharpens iron" verse. And Hebrews 10:24-25. I want to be that for someone. I pray that God would increase my faith so that others would see Him, and if they see me instead of Him I will pray harder that I would become invisible, because I am nothing and He is everything. Everything I am revolves around Him. He makes me who I am.

God I want to be challenged to know You more and to dig more deeply into Your word and Your purposes.

"But I am the Lord your God,
who brought you out of Egypt.
You shall acknowledge no god but Me,
no Savior except Me.
I cared for you in the desert,
in the land of burning heat.
When I fed them, they were satisfied;
when they were satisfied, they became proud;
then they forgot me.
So I will come upon them like a lion,
like a leopard I will lurk by the path.
Like a bear robbed of her cubs,
I will attack them and rip them open.
Like a lion, I will devour them;
a wild animal will tear them apart." Hosea 13:4-8

Sounds almost cruel, doesn't it? But if brokenness is what it takes for me to see the goodness of the Lord, if He has to rip my idols from my hands so that I fall flat on my face, I pray that He would do it. Better the little amount of pain for a moment in order to know the lifetime of infinite joy it is to see and experience the glory of Jesus Christ. Isn't that what Paul means when he says he rejoices in his sufferings? That's the fight for joy. Joy is a Person. Truth is a Person. Life is found in one Person.

direction in life

Well, I believe I have an interest I'd like to pursue...and many may think it boring, seeing as how it is an academic interest. But I really want to study western history in the early first century AD (I know, not politically correct, but I'm not one for adhering to those sometimes ridiculous non-offensive terms).

I am also one step closer to Norway. My passion for going to this country this summer is increasing. My passion for spreading the truth is increasing. I met a couple today who are going to Indonesia for missions--specifically, evangelizing. They were planning on going, and have been preparing for the trip for the past two years, and even in light of the now desperate situation over there with the tsunami, they still want to go. When I told them I wanted to end up ministering in Eastern Europe the guy said that was a hard place to be. Hard, but God is the God of the impossible. I have no faith in my ability to relate to those people, because I have lived the typically comfortable and relatively sheltered American life. No, but there is One in me who can relate to them better than even than I could if I were one of them. People need Jesus. We're such a depraved people that we can't and won't even recognize our need for Him unless He unveils our hearts to see it. And He mercifully does. I don't get how or why or by what means, but He does it.

And I am also encouraged by my aunt and uncle's step of faith in seeking to adopt two children from Russia. I again cannot wait to see God accomplish the impossible. I hope He blows my grandparents out of the water. Even moreso my dad.

The more I live, every breath I take, the more I realize that it is all due to Him. Even in my sin He has mercy on me. My sin put Him on the cross. Do I even get the magnitude of that? I know I don't, because if I did my life would be so much more radically changed than it is. I am content to wait on the Lord for increased passion for Him. I can't even describe the intense longing I feel for Him. Jesus is more real to me each day. It is His presence in my heart that keeps me going every moment. I am not content to live life for myself. If I do, I waste it. I am reminded of the sermon from Sunday, because my passion is so overwhelming right now. I'm emotional, and I know God has made me this way, and now I pray to be, as Piper put it, pragmatic as well. By His grace I want my passions to be applied to my life. And herein lies the promise that "faithful is the One who calls you; He will do it" in 1 Thessalonians. He'll do it, I believe it.

Thusfar the Lord has helped me.

salsa dancing

Well, my night of fun salsa dancing ended disappointingly. Mostly because it ended early. My roommates all wanted to leave, so what was I supposed to do? I felt bad, and then even worse for one of the reasons I wanted to stay. But man I wanted to keep dancing. I love to dance! and I actually found a guy friend who likes to do it too...and we're both bad. He can't keep the rhythm and I can't follow, but it was still a blast. Maybe next time. I just want to know what I'm doing. But I got this card for a free group lesson, and I am seriously considering using it. I want to dance. Just for fun. Because it's good exercise and because I'm good at it (though more at the improv than the actual moves right now). And I just love the atmosphere. Famous Dave's salsa night is fun, without feeling like there are just a bunch of sleazy guys there trying to pick you up. It's just a bunch of people going to dance. I wish I had stayed and gotten a ride home from one of the guys there (one of the ones we were with, not just any random guy...that would be asking for it). It would have been a little awkward, but maybe it would have been worth it. The mistake was taking the roommate who didn't really want to be there in the first place and letting her drive. And only taking one car. I won't make that mistake again. I don't hold anything against her, I should have just not tried as hard as I did to convince her. Yeah. Next time it's going to be an all-nighter, where I'm so tired by the end that I can barely move. That will feel good.

today was an exciting day...it began exciting, with some amazing stuff revealed by God's word, and it ended exciting. My roommates and I watched Dance With Me...this late nineties dance movie about Latin dancing. First, it was so cool watching them-Latin dancing has so much passion in it! It made me want to dance myself, so my roommate Sarah and I just started wingin' it, and it was so much fun! I love living with the girls I live with. To top off the excitement, some of my friends and I are going salsa dancing at Famous Dave's in Uptown tomorrow night!! We may even have some guys accompanying us, which would be great because it would keep the sleazy guys away. I'm praying that Mike's friends will want to come. But if they don't, us girls will still have a great time. I love to dance!! I am even looking into joining the U's Ballroom Dance club. How fun would that be??

newfound excitement

I may have mentioned before that I began doing the "read the Bible in a year" program that my church set up. There are four different passages that I read each day, each segment beginning with Genesis, Psalms, Matthew, and Acts. It makes sense. It is incredible to me how each of these passages ALWAYS correlate.

But that's not really the point of this entry. Today I read about the life of Isaac, Abraham's son whom God had commanded to sacrifice but then stopped Abe from sacrificing, and then I read Psalm 10, and then Matthew 5:1-12 (a very famous passage, the beatitudes Jesus spoke in the Sermon on the Mount), and then Acts 6.

In reading about Isaac, he lied to Abimelech and his people because he was afraid for his life and for his wife Rebekkah's. Two chapters earlier, Abraham did the exact same thing, but with different people. When the lie was found out (Isaac had said Rebekkah was his sister), Abimelech rebuked him (a thing which God certainly had a hand in), because Isaac could have brought his people guilt if they had touched Rebekkah. And so here, the thing the Holy Spirit spoke to me about was, obviously, fear. When you feel opposition from man for doing or saying the right thing and living the right way, God's way, DO NOT BACK OFF FROM THE TRUTH. That is, a question of trusting in Him. We may suffer for Him in this life, but there is a life far more glorious, far more full of joy waiting for us that makes the suffering we must endure now worth it. Piper spoke of this being a mingling of God's righteous judgment and His mercy. On earth the suffering we endure is only a fraction of what we deserve because of our sinfulness, but it prepares those who follow Him for the joy that is set before them. Hebrews 12:2-3 comes to mind:

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful man, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Then, Psalm 10, where David cries out to God in verse 1:

"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"

I have asked the Lord this very same thing so many times in my life. But God, proving Himself faithful in all situations before me, has shown me that He is here. David expresses this same thing, when he writes later in Psalm 10 that the wicked man says to himself, "'God has forgotten; He covers His face and never sees.' ... But You, O God, do see trouble and grief; You consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless. Break the arm (not literally...this is the Hebrew symbolism for strength) of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out. The Lord is King for ever and ever; the nations will perish from His land. You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; You encourage them, and You listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." (verses 11, 14-18)

Then, the Beatittudes, which must be written in full:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." (Matthew 5:1-12)

How beautiful are these words of Jesus Christ! I am none of these things, yet through Christ God has promised these things to me and to all believers. I thank God so much for awakening my heart to the beauty of the Gospels...that is something I have prayed for, because for a long time I had a hard time really relating to them. I am blessed to be living in a country where the persecution I receive is miniscule in comparison to persecution other believers in the world endure. Like believers in Indonesia, who have had acid thrown on them or people in Eastern Europe whose lives are threatened by the government simply for talking to others about Christ. And yet they continue to do this, Christ gives them strength to keep preaching His Gospel. All I have ever suffered is a broken family and being thought narrow-minded for my beliefs. God has given me a heart for these people for a reason, if I cannot do anything but support them through sending money and praying I will take up that call.

I love the Word of God, it is precious to me. I love how, thousands of years after it was written, He speaks to me through it. I love the authority it holds. I love the sacrifice He made and that I can read about it and praise Him for it. Man I'm getting mushy. But I don't care. I love my Savior

continuing conviction

God continues to convict my heart. Conviction lays heavily on the mind if you are not willing to embrace it, and it frees you if you are. The sermon this morning, too, pierced my heart. I know, intellectually, that God is of infinite worth, but there are things coming in the way of my heart totally embracing this truth. I was almost blinded by a feel good moment too. The question in my mind right now is why is it so stinking hard to fight for a joy that I've tasted and desire more of. But I know the answer--life isn't about having a string of feel good experiences, it's not about mere happiness. The Enemy seeks to destroy faith and hope and joy, he seeks to blind us from experiencing Jesus the way He is calling us to experience Him, and I can feel the weight of that fight. Before I was deterred from fighting because I was tired, I'm still tired, but that's because I've been trying to do this myself. I've not sought leadership, I've only complained about the lack of it. And instead of love filling my heart I've frankly just been annoyed with various people in my life. People who love me and have served me, and what was my response? To react with anger and bitterness rather than self-sacrifice. I've completely forgotten what Paul was talking about in Philippians 2:

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being likeminded, having the same love, being one in spirit and in purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

I thank God for Megan. She came and gave me a hug goodnight and told me she loved me. I didn't deserve that. I don't deserve such great roommates. They're a blessing from God. He's loving me through them. God has been faithful to me. In my unfaithfulness He has not disowned me. All I want is to cling to my God, by grace through faith, not of my own work but of His. My only hope is in Him. I am completely in love with my Savior because He first loved me (1 John) and nothing is going to tear me away from Him. I've just been skimming Philippians, and I think I would really like to do a Bible study on it.

Oh, and Norway this summer is 90% certain.

at the end of the day

At this very moment I am listening to Handel's Messiah and wearing one red and one black sock because I haven't done laundry in quite sometime and could not find the matches to either color.

At work, my hours are being cut...if I am not used for my on call shift tomorrow, I will have a total of 11 hours for next week. I'm not altogether unhappy about this, because that means I get to rest more on the last week (sigh...) of the semeseter break. So far I've gone home, hung out with friends a lot, worked a little less, and spent much time either sleeping or reading. It's been so nice. Like last night, I got about 11 hours of sleep. Can you believe that?? I will try not to do this too often, as I will be forced to be accustomed to an average of about 6 hours of sleep a night due to lovely school. But it felt so good. I woke up refreshed. But I think my feeling refreshed had more to do with this book I've been reading. It's a new one, still Christian fiction, but this time it's about a Jewish girl who believes in Christ right after the Great Persecution that was inflicted by the Roman Emperor Nero. But in reading last night, God pierced my heart. The girl, whose name is Hadassah, is being questioned by her owner (yeah, she's a slave) about the purpose of life. His opinion is that it's about happiness and achieving every comfort possible before one dies. Her reply is that life's purpose is not to be happy, but to serve. It's not like this statement was anything really new to me, but it made me realize that I'd been seeking happiness maybe a little too much lately. And when I say happiness I mean a worldly happiness, one that is temporal; one that promises comfort and security in this life. But Christ said, "I have said these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." Through Christ, God promises those who follow Christ both trials in the world and rewards in heaven, our biggest reward being an existence with God without sin. Christ is of infinite value, that is joy. Everything in this life will pass away, but Christ remains constant, the same, forever. I had forgotten. Mainly because I ignored again the fact that I desperately need Christ.

The most amazing thing about seeking the Lord is that in Christ we have Him, and we are satisfied. And yet there is always more of Him to seek, and so I could spend my whole life pursuing Christ, being filled to overflowing and satisfied, but I'll never find His limits. His resources will never be exhausted. I'll never tire of Him. There will always be something new and exciting that I have yet to discover. It makes everything the world has to offer pale in comparison.

Work never fails to tire me out. It doesn't matter how much sleep or caffeine I've had, at the end of my shift I am just plum tuckered out. That was me borrowing a phrase from the homestead.

Sometimes I just don't want to talk to anyone. Like today. I just want to curl up in my bed and read and forget the rest of the world exists. I want to forget some of the things I've been longing for, I want to forget the things I know I have to do (which is pathetic, because right now it's only going to work, which usually consists only of folding endless pieces of clothing)...I just want to sleep and read the day away. I could even do without eating. I just feel so constantly fatigued. I'm pretty sure it's because of my poor state of health right now too. So at least there's hope that it will get better. There's always hope.

Still, I think also that I could really use a week without seeing anyone. I think that's probably really selfish. Idleness and fatigue are not good. Not at all. I need to fight through it. I am thankful that I don't have to do the fighting myself, because right now I feel like I just don't have the strength.

more of what I did today

So maybe I'm cheesy. Whatever. I don't care. I can laugh at myself.

Trusting in God was the theme today. I received the annual large sum from my grandpa today...I will let it rest in my hand and I will not grab hold of it. It was a gift, from God through my grandpa, and it's going where HE wills it to go. My security is not in how much money I have. That was the first thing.

The second, of course, what else, was with my heart. I'm wondering if I'm starting to operate out of fear. You know, of rejection, of not being good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough, of a situation that may up like quite similar to my parents. All that old stuff that really used to get me in high school...and then the one new thing. And to top it off, I kept hearing those two little phrases in my head.
...on a side note, I have resolved not to begin reading His word until I am open and able to receive. that's going to be difficult and impossible. But that's how I like it, because it shows me, if no one else, His power in my life...
But yeah. I am thinking now about what Jesus said in John 10:

10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.

So I've been holding a lot of things back from Christ lately. I don't even have to analyze why, it's completely obvious to me. I've been afraid and clinging onto worthless idols. I've allowed my circumstances to rule my emotions. I've built my house on the sand. I haven't been living out of the truth that with Christ and only with Him comes peace. Why put my trust in the wisdom of the world? Why put my trust in the incredibly insufficient pleasures it has to offer? I've sought the truth, and I've FOUND IT. Which really isn't even true, I didn't find it, I couldn't have found it on my own even if I had wanted to me, and that's the truth. I didn't want God. I wanted my own way. He revealed it to me. Mercifully. So then if trusting Him with my heart seems dangerous and risky then I am deceived in my thinking, because the only safety is Christ.

My life is more full since I've become a Christian. How can I explain that? My use of words just stinks. No, words don't make much of a difference anyway. Just let me be transparent so I can't hide what I experience.

What I did today

It's not so very exciting, but I think I might be starting along the right track:

1) went to the doctor and am now on my way to healthier living
2) got a haircut (I didn't go to my usual girl, so I'm not quite sure about it yet, but we'll see. it's only hair)
3) dyed my hair. and cleaned the bathroom while I waited for the rinse-out time. Effective :)

I am now waiting for the time when my friends get here and we go Uptown to Famous Dave's for dinner, and then back here for dessert. I am quite sure that this will be a fun evening. Oh, and I've read more of my book, Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It's my second time reading it, so it's not quite the obssessive-I-can't-put-this-book-down way of reading that it was the first time, but I'm still seeing new things. The thing I like about Christian fiction authors is that there's still a point to the love story beyond just the "oh, they get together in the end" deal. Which, ok, I'm a total sucker for romantic comedies (though romance novels make me gag--it's just porn for women).

Oh, and I started Bethlehem's reading the Bible in a year. I like it so far. Today was a good day. God definitely pointed some stuff out to me. More later. It's time to get ready!

Jan 3

Well, my internet connection is finally back to normal...or so it seems. With my luck, things will go haywire now that I've said that. Or maybe not :)

So today, I started out not having to work, but then having to work, but then again...not having to work. My thinking that I had to was good enough that it MADE me get up out of bed (even if not until 2 PM) and taking a shower and all that. But then I received the happy news and decided to use my time by watching Wimbledon yet again. Such a good movie. I love how real the characters are...and I love that they of course get together in the end. My roommate and I were talking about it and she wondered if there really was love with that kind of passion in real life. I, being the sappy romantic, think absolutely there is, and I'm going to have it. I won't settle for anything less. I believe, however, that the kind of love they portray in the movies can only be found in real life if it is fueled by God. God created romance, He gave us the desire for such a romance, and He gave us the boundaries He gave us in order for us to obtain it. I want passion in purity.

But on to other subjects...well, later. My roommates and I are going to Starbucks for coffee. Starbucks...my favorite place. :)

Well, before I write anything else, I have to tell an anecdote that I, yes I, am the center of. I was at my friends' house and my roommate Megan and I were about to leave. I went to put on my shoes, but they were nowhere to be found. I started getting a little worried that I was crazy...I mean, where the stink were my brown fake-birkenstock slip on shoes (they have a name, but I'm blanking on that at the moment). At any rate, I couldn't find them. So we all started looking, thinking someone may have taken them as a practical joke (it was a guy's house, what would you think had happened?). Until I looked down and saw my running shoes sitting there. Apparently I had worn my running shoes and not the other ones. Yeah. I'm blond, and now it's obvious to EVERYONE. :)On a more serious note, I'm glad for the holiday season. I was a participant (with a listening role) in a conversation with my manager at work today. And he said he really didn't like the holidays, because there was nothing about them except stress (I work retail) and spending money, and YEAH, baby Jesus was born, if you actually believe in that. It made me sad. Because for a lot of the world, it's true. The Christmas season is about what you can get. People don't know the Truth anymore, they don't know the Gospel in its fullness, they think Christianity is about being a good person (or a close-minded, right extremist) and then you'll get to heaven and everyone who doesn't have the same moral code goes to hell. Well, NO, that's not what Christ's life actually meant to the world. Again, it's about admitting that you can't earn your salvation, knowing how much of a sinner you are, and accepting the free gift of salvation that God offers to every single person who ever was, is, or will be (not just upper middle-class white Americans). Millions of people in the world outside of the United States get it way more than we do. Because they have to fight every day to stay alive simply for believing. The American church, for the most part, has been lulled into a passionless existence because we have all the material stuff we could ever want. I don't want to be that kind of Christian. I want my loyalties to lie first and foremost with Jesus Christ, not the church. His authority is above the church's authority. People don't understand the infinite value of Christ or the infinite rebellion of sin. There's a reason why Satan is called the father of lies. He doesn't get you to come to his side by saying, "hey, I'm against God and I want to destroy people's lives with evil, come on over!" No, he entices us (to use a probably overused metaphor) with a beautiful banquet of food, and it's not until we've sat down and had our fill of it that we realize it was poisoned. I made a mistake today too...boy does my impatience get in the way. I need to trust God more.