yeah, He's faithful

It was one week from yesterday that I go to Omaha and really begin my journey to East Asia. I always get caught up in the waiting. Like, when I turned 16 and got my license, I couldn't believe it, I had reached a milestone that I never thought I would reach. I can even remember feeling the same way about my first day at middle school, and then high school, then turning 18, then going to college. I get caught up in waiting and I never believe that I will actually reach the point of fruition until I'm there and all of a sudden it is there, it is real, and it just seems surreal. That's what Omaha will be like. That's what EA will be like.

I have to wonder if it stems from my unbelief...I'm sure all Christians will tell you that no matter how many times God has proven Himself in their lives, the next moment doubt can set it. It's a constant battle. It reminds me of the man who encountered Jesus, crying out, "I believe, help me in my unbelief!" It really is a miracle that I trust Christ. It's not by my own power that I have faith enough to believe in Him and trust Him for forgiveness. All throughout the Bible people struggle with this. I was reading today in Exodus (making up some of the days I didn't do my daily reading) about the Golden Calf. Here is a people who had just been brought out of Egypt in one of God's most incredible acts to that point in history, and right after they turn and ask Aaron to make them a god of their choosing, an idol to worship. How can that be? I understand it all too well, because I've done the exact same thing. I live solely on God's mercy.

Another thing...it's strange how at the same time you can be brokenhearted, but filled with joy. I feel so weak sometimes - now. I feel weak now. Can I just give more of myself away? Can I quit living for my own happiness? Please? I struggle against selfishness. I struggle against pride. And yet Christ in me has done so much. every moment rests on His work. Maybe I've said this before, but I am pondering (for lack of a less archaic-sounding word) how I can balance living with a brokenheart for the lost and living with joy for the Hope which God has granted me. Is this a taste of what the world looks like to Jesus Christ? Everytime someone talks of Christianity as a hateful religion, I hurt. Not just because I know that's not Who God is, but because I know there are those who legitimately give the world reason to say such things. The pain the world feels, the loneliness, I've felt it. I've felt what it's like to think God has left you, abandoned and forsaken you. But everytime I've seen that He never left. I couldn't see Him, I couldn't feel Him, I couldn't hear Him, but He was there loving me. Dry times are always going to come.

³Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ⁶You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.