Acres of Hope by Shane Barnard & Robbie Seay

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together

We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

The Village

Ok, so I just watched M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, The Village, and it WAS SO STINKIN' GOOD. Joaquin Phoenix's character blew me away, because SERIOUSLY guys like that totally seem to not exist in real life. There was the one scene where Ivy asked him if he would ask her to dance when they were married and he totally just, AH, OMIGOSH, I don't know how to describe it, but basically he just answered her so passionately and so MANLY but in an amazingly some kind of way, I don't even know. If you've seen the movie, you know what I mean. It just felt like he was fighting for her in a way I've only felt Jesus fight for me...for the world. At any rate, I don't think I can watch that movie again for awhile because I might start to place unfair expectations on the guys around me. Most of the time I just wish I could run away from my longing for love like that from a man. I don't know if God has ordained that it be filled, or that it would be good for me, but by His grace I will trust in Him, and wait on Him.

That being said, I am so thankful, I had such a good time with my old roommate tonight. It's amazing how God placed her in my life. She's at a place in her faith where it seems that she is just longing to understand more of why God loves her and in what capacity and it's just crazy because I was there, exactly where she is, a year ago. God so knows what He's doing. He is a sun and shield; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless. I'm not calling myself perfect, I'm calling my Savior, Redeemer and Defender perfect. I cannot wait for the service tomorrow. God has granted my request to love her better. He's granted my desire for a greater capacity to love Him. How could I ever repay Him? How could I ever say thank you? All I can give to Him is myself, my life, and that's not enough. It's not. The Lord is faithful, all His promises prove true, and my life is evidence of that, Hillary's life is, Israa's is.

I have the perfect Savior, the perfect Father, and the perfect Counselor. I have everything.

joyful sorrow

Nevertheless Paul makes the astonishing statement in 2 Corinthians 6:10 that what marks his life and should mark ours is “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.” This is what makes our sorrow godly. I do not claim that this experience is simple or that we can even put it into adequate words—what it means to be joyful in sorrow. Heaving sobs at the loss of a loved one does not look like joy. Indeed is not joy in its fullness, as we will know it when “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Revelation 21:4).

Rather the joy that endures through sorrow is the foretaste of that future joy in God which we hope for in the future. When Jesus was “very sorrowful, even to death” in Gethsemane he was sustained by “the joy that was set before him” (Hebrews 12:2). This does not mean that he felt in the garden or on the cross all that he would feel in the resurrection. But it does mean that he hoped in it and that this hope was an experienced foretaste of that joy.

Therefore, we groan here, waiting for the redemption of our bodies and for the removal of all our sins (Romans 8:23). This groaning and grieving is godly if it is molded by our delight in hope of glory (Romans 5:2-3). The delight is muffled by the pain. But it is there in seed form. It will one day grow into a great vine that yields wine of undiluted delight.

So let us embrace whatever sorrow God appoints for us. Let us not be ashamed of tears. Let the promise that joy comes with the morning (Psalm 30:5) sustain and shape our grief with power and goodness of God.

-John Piper

Jesus is so good, I can barely comprehend it. God is all merciful, enabling me to totally ace my Greek quiz that I didn't study for until this morning, and I totally didn't deserve His help, but praise Jesus! He sustains me, every hour, even when I am apathetic toward Him. I am realizing just how grave a sin my apathy is. How can I be that way towards the Sovereign Lord who saves us from death?

Last night I talked with my mom, and I ended up bawling for a good 15 or 20 minutes after the conversation. It's not anything she did or said, it's just how she sounded. She was so tired, and worn out and is burdened with her life, with no one to be there for her and lead her and support her. She's trying to do it on her own, and it makes me so sad. But she mentioned a woman at work who's a believer, and I am praying that God would build their relationship and let this woman be an encouragement to my mom, even in her own struggles (she is older and has just been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes). She also said my brother asked her about her and dad getting a divorce, and that was awful to hear. Obviously, as he's getting older, he's noticing more and more of the strife between my parents. My mom assured my brother that she wasn't going anywhere, but again...it just hurts to know that already he's worrying about that. An 11 year old kid shouldn't have to worry about that. I miss them, I miss my family so much. God is good, and He is faithful, and He loves them more than I do...which boggles my mind, because I really love them a lot. I can't fathom God's love. He is faithful, and Sovereign, and there, He's working in them. I can see it. No one catch snatch them out of His hands. In my reading over the past couple of days, I came across these verses in Psalm 66 and 68:

⁸ Praise our God, O peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard;
⁹ he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping.
¹⁰ For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver.
¹¹ You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs.
¹² You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.
-Ps 66

¹⁹ Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.
Selah ²⁰ Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign LORD comes escape from death. -Ps 68

Talk about God speaking into your circumstances. Between those verses and Matthew 4:19, I'm beginning to feel what Jesus was talking about when He said it would cost something to follow Him. But Romans 8:18 comes to mind in that circumstance: "For I consider that our present sufferings are not worth being compared with the glory that will be revealed in us." And no matter what I go through, it will never compare with what He did for me.

last day almost here

Well, today ended up being a very long day, ending a very short (that is, too quickly passing) week. I wish Spring Break were two weeks long, because I could use the extra time off. I feel like I haven't had much of a break at all. Sleep has certainly evaded me the past few nights. I don't like getting up early. But now my body is completely adjusted to that very thing, and I find myself waking up at 8:30 or 9 in the morning without any kind of alarm clock. I guess the solution would be to go to bed early. Yeah, that'll happen.

Anyway, this weekend I attended part of a prayer and fasting seminar at my church and it was really good. There's a lot of stuff to process. Tomorrow, at my home church, my support video will be shown to the congregation, and I will see God work. Crazy...I'm not nervous, but I've been praying about that a lot. I am confident that the Lord will provide what He wants to provide. I also need to get out my other support letters. I'm glad I only work for two hours tomorrow...and it's just a meeting. Thank you. Ok, well...bedtime. I can't wait to hit the pillow.

Thus Far

Well, Spring Break so far has been eventful and has passed all too quickly. I hate when time goes too fast.

So, Sunday night I went to this Passion performance at my church, entitled Passion: It's a Dying Thing. Ok, so having gone to a performing arts high school but not acting since then, my skills and analytical tendencies have slightly dulled with the passing of time, but the moment I set foot in the sanctuary viewing this performance, I can poetically say that I was initially offended by the actors. However, I was really pretty ashamed of this reaction, because it was totally my pride flaring up. I was watching these people perform something very dear and real to them, as it is to me, and here I was criticizing their performance. So I prayed for God to take my pride away, and to help me to hear the message He wanted to speak to me. It worked, He answered me. Against all of my natural tendencies, the Holy Spirit spoke to me in incredible ways. So it gets to Jesus' crucufixion, and they turn out all the lights and play the sound of Him being whipped and I really couldn't take it...I just kept thinking, "stop it" over and over, the sound overwhelmed me. And then I just got it. That should have been me. I deserved that, not Him. My pride. My contempt for what God has done for me. My disbelief. My dull heart towards Him. My obstinate disobedience. The way I treat people. The way I have served other gods in my life - idols that fade like the grass in winter. My impatience. My mistrust. My selfishness. Overindulgence. Laziness. Everything about me screams rebellion against my Creator. And while I was hating Him, struggling to run away from Him, He was loving me. While I was trying to prove that I was good enough, even too good for God, Jesus was hanging on the cross for me.

And as I realized all of this, I started to cry...I wept. I wept for the rest of the performance. I felt a grief over my sin that I don't think I've experienced in such a capacity. And I was thankful. I thanked my God for what He had done for me. The Holy Spirit moves in spite of me, in spite of everything.

I'm still struggling to truly grasp all of this though...I've been with one other roommate this week, and I feel like I am being influenced in ways that I don't want to be influenced in. I'm not laying any blame on her, I totally have responsibility in this...but it's frustrating how sin so easily entangles us. I don't want to be bound by it, but I am certainly not above it. I still struggle daily, hourly, momentarily with it. I'm struggling to get beyond myself, to react to others with love no matter what, to resolve conflicts in a Godly way. I know with Christ, it can happen, He can, will, does satisfy in all facets and capacities. If only I weren't so easily satisfied with the dull pleasures the world has to offer. But then, everything still just points to Jesus, it's not about me or me being able to get past my struggle with sin on my own, because I know I can't. It's not in my capability to be perfect, that's why He came. All I can do is submit to His work in me. And I am praying that He would do a great work in me. Maybe that's pretentious, but I want as much of Jesus as I can handle, and then I want more of Him so He can increase my heart's capacity to know and love Him.

I guess I've only talked about Sunday, there's more that's happened this week...but I'm tired and don't want to write anymore, so I'll write more tomorrow. There's a lot to do. Tomorrow I need to be intentional.

I went to a friend's wedding today. It was good, the ceremony was really simple, her dress was beautiful, and so were the bridesmaids' dresses. The church they had the ceremony in was really pretty too. I got to see some good friends I haven't seen in awhile too...it was a pretty good day.

I couldn't help but think about the sanctity of marriage, and what the bride and the groom represented. It's a huge transition, leaving one household to form your own. I don't live with my family anymore, but I still feel under my parents' roof, as dysfunctional as that roof might be. But sitting in the service and sitting next to this guy that I used to have the biggest crush on, but now have no feelings for...it was really freeing. I don't know how to explain it. But I also felt a little removed from the situation. Marriage, dating...it seems like something that I will always be waiting for. I'm not saying that with a complaining type spirit, but I often wonder if I will ever be ready for that kind of relationship commitment. Being a girl, I long for it, though that longing springs up less often than it used to, but I just don't know that I could ever really see myself being married. I can be friends with a guy really easily. Too easily, I think, sometimes. But who would I ever want to marry, and who would ever want to marry me? Wouldn't I be more useful with fewer attachments? Of course, that goes completely against my desire to have kids. But then maybe I just love kids this much because I'm supposed to care for others' children...or orphans? Who knows. It's not in my hands anyway. And right now, I need to seek a greater capacity to give myself first to Christ, then to others. I don't do that well.

the Friday when Spring Break begins

All I can say is thank you Jesus for good dinners at Mexican restaurants, sweatpants, sweatshirts, fuzzy slippers and chick flicks. I am so ready for my week of rest!

P.S. I got the 15 hours. :)

Ohhhhhhh today!

I want to pray more for others!!! And I want to be better in giving myself to others! I am so hoping God will grow me in that for the rest of this semester.

As for Spring Break, Panama City plans didn't pan out for me because I decided to be wise and make/save money rather than spend it. Plus, it will give me time to do my support letters for East Asia, catch up on Bible reading, and review Greek and German stuff. And maybe political sociology, but that's more of an "if I get the motivation" thing. Then next weekend is a seminar on prayer and fasting at my church...I am really excited to go to that. Ok, so a specific prayer for next week is that God provide at least 15 hours of work and no work past 5 PM on Friday so I can go to this seminar. I'm writing this because I believe He'll do it and I want to document it.

In support news, my friend told me to send her and her whole house letters. Praise God for getting the ball rolling! Why trust in man's plans, God has made it ABUNDANTLY clear that He has chosen me for this! I will trust in Him and wait on Him.

YAY JESUS! (He is faithful, able, and abundantly merciful and loving).

Mom and midterms

Well, instead of studying for my midterm on Thursday I'm going to write. My mom is here this week, she got in on Monday and is leaving Thursday morning. I only got to see her last night and tonight, because I am working all day tomorrow. Big SAD. I cried when she left my house tonight...I always do that when she leaves. I miss her, and I am sad for her. I am amazed at what God is doing in her heart, and I pray always that He will heal her bitterness. Talking with her made me think of Piper's latest few sermons. They were on the wrath of God, and there was one particular point that makes me think of our family situation. He talked about our righteous anger when sins have been done against us, but how, because He is the Judge, we can be free from the anger and bitterness that so often arises when we have been wronged, and therefore forgive. Sins are always reconciled and punished, there is no sin anywhere ever that will not go unpunished and there are two ways this happens. If a person does not claim Jesus as their Savior, the person will ultimately take his own punishment which is (scary) eternal suffering in Hell. But if we do have Christ, all our sin has been paid for, and Jesus is the One who paid. He received the just punishment I deserve. I deserve it. I deserve eternal damnation and suffering and separation from my God. It's an unfair deal. I get the opposite. He is love. He is mercy. And He is just. I'm starting to really realize, in my heart not just my head, that we cannot understand the loving kindness of God until we understand His perfect sense of Justice, until we understand that we do deserve wrath.

So I'm praying for healing and forgiveness in my mom's heart. She sees a lot more bad things than I do, working in the corporate world with benefits and living in our home. I don't know that I would have the strength to handle it. I have so much respect for her. I pray that she would get rest, that God would provide a couple of really solid friends who will be there for her, both encouraging her and keeping her accountable. And mostly I pray that she would continue to grow in Joy. God is good.


I also saw someone I knew on the bus today. I looked up from doing my crossword, and he was sitting in front of me. There was that heart squeezed feeling again. And since he was sitting in front of me, I know he probably saw me...looking a little foolish, I'm sure, sitting hunched over my crossword. I wonder what went through his head. There's that girl who used to be my friend? I hate her? I miss her? I'm glad he didn't say anything. I'm glad he probably doesn't know I saw him. Well, once I saw him, I prayed for him, and then I got off the bus and walked home. ...maybe.
God is good.

...for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all...

my Omaha weekend

GOD IS GOOD.

The trip to Omaha for training was so good in showing me just how God chose me to go, how He's doing the work. He put to rest once and for all the interest I had before...Praise Him for taking away a distraction! Because if I hadn't found things out, it would have been one for the whole time I was there. I didn't get what my heart wanted (or thought it wanted) and it is good!! I will wait and trust in the Lord, not having contempt for the miraculous things He has done and is doing in my life. For His name, for His glory, BY His mercy and ability will He accomplish these things.

I can confidently say this because I got so scared about my trip to ea this weekend. I was listening to everything we would have to do, and freaking out that I didn't have my passport stuff turned in yet and hadn't started my immunization stuff yet, and thinking about the gravity of the situation in the ea. I cried, I was so scared. But God just offered comfort through Lou, a woman who had been doing her work there for decades along with her husband. She just reminded me that, no, I can't do it by my own strength, but that's why Christ does it through me. He knows I am weak, but He perfects His strength in my weakness. I can ONLY do all things through Him who strengthens me. And on the planeride home I was doing part of my daily reading, and it took me through Numbers 12-14. And God addressed all my fears in those chapters. How perfect of Him! My weaknesses, when submitted to Christ, bring Him glory. Obedience brings Him glory. He does this in me. Maybe I'm not making a whole lot of sense, but I just praise Him and I am excited for where He's leading me.

Whate'er my God ordains is right, His will is ever just; Howe'er He order now my cause I will be still and trust. He is my God, Though dark my road, He holds me that I shall not fall, Wherefore to Him I leave it all.

Whate'er my God ordains is right, He never will deceive; He leads me by the proper path, And so to Him I cleave, And take content What He hath sent; His hand can turn my griefs away, And patiently I wait His day.

Whate'er my God ordains is right, He taketh thought for me, The cup that my Physician gives No poison'd draught can be; But medicine due; For God is true, And on that changeless truth I build, And all my heart with hope is fill'd.

Whate'er my God ordains is right, Though I the cup must drink That bitter seems to my faint heart, I will not fear nor shrink; Tears pass away With dawn of day, Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart, And pain and sorrow all depart.

Whate'er my God ordains is right, My Light, my Life is He, Who cannot will me aught but good, I trust Him utterly; For well I know, In joy or woe, We once shall see as sunlight clear How faithful was our Guardian here.

Whate'er my God ordains is right, Here will I take my stand; Though sorrow, need, or death make earth For me a desert land, My Father's care Is round me there, He holds me that I shall not fall, And so to Him I leave it all.

when tired = giddy

I was so tired at Navs tonight. I shouldn't have gone, but I wanted to. And then it turned out to be the longest, most boring talk on earth. And I was being so rude during it. Blah.

But tomorrow I take a German test and then immediately go to the airport to fly to Omaha where I meet the team members I don't know and catch up with the ones I do. Why am I so nervous? I will be praying that God would continue to affirm that EA was the right decision. I don't know why it wouldn't be. I hate doubt. It's like an infection that won't go away.

I'm also feeling kinda stressed right now about my two midterms next week and the stage two of the term paper I have to turn in. (Why are you downcast, oh my soul?...my hope is in Him). I will make it through if it is God's will. How I love Him. How I need Him.

God did a lot today. It was an intensely cool day.

Megan and I went for coffee at Bordertown this morning before class, and had a really good talk. There was a lot of reconciliation involved, which was a total answer to prayer. God is merciful. I couldn't swallow my pride to bring the issue up, but Megan did. The Lord is faithful.

Classes are going better, mainly I think because I'm actually taking the time to prepare for them. Go figure. :)

This evening, however, was the coolest time because God gave me boldness to share a little of my relationship with Jesus with a couple of girls at work. I don't even know where the words came from, or how the conversation even started. It just happened. One of the girls I know thinks I'm crazy. It amazed me, though, that she had only really just heard the name of Jesus. She didn't even know who I was talking about when I just used "Christ" to refer to Him. I had never experienced that before. She doesn't believe in God, though, because she thinks science has disproved His existence. But then, she also said she doesn't know very much about God or Christianity. Which is sad, because that definitely says to me that she only has vague opinions that are based on lies she's believing. But I have hope for her, and I am praying that she will just not be able to get our conversation out of her head, that she will meet more believers (ones who will be kind to her, not judgmental or preachy), and that she will just be interested. Tonight happened for a reason.

But today I can only say that everything was a testament to Jesus' faithfulness in my life. And His mercy, and His grace, and His love. He has blessed me. :) I have to mention, I found myself worrying about this weekend, because of the guy thing. I was starting to feel really distressed...I was worried he would distract me, and I just prayed that Jesus would help me not to be attracted to him. But I actually started to feel a little sick in my heart over it. So I was worrying and worrying in my head, but then this still, soft voice echoed in my mind, saying "trust Me." And so He brought to mind different verses and songs and I started singing and all of a sudden I felt uplifted. I love this! I LOVE it when He does this! It's so COOL!!! I cannot wait for East Asia.

victory

Evening:
I had a scare today. Well, not really a scare, but I saw the friend that I quit being friends with. I was coming out of the computer lab and there he was, sitting there, looking really intense and a bit unhappy...but maybe that's me projecting my feelings over the situation onto him. Either way, my heart seriously skipped a beat, I got scared that he would see me, and went up the escalator. Sometimes I just wish things didn't have to be complicated in a way that made a friendship impossible.

Still, I know without a doubt in my heart that I did the right thing. And God is faithful, He is working in this situation for the good.

Speaking of God's faithfulness, I was in my counseling session today and Jeannie and I were talking about the heart temptations that every woman feels, and you know...I talked about my history with guys, specifically the one guy that "happened", and she asked me what I felt like I took away from that relationship. As I thought back to all the hurt and sin, the thing that overshadowed everything was how faithful God was in answering my prayer that this guy be taken out of my life, because I didn't have the strength to leave (theme song for this: Take My Life (or Please Take From Me My Life?) by Third Day). But as I kept talking, I found myself getting very passionate about why I don't want a relationship right now, and why I get frustrated when it seems like 90% of what all my girlfriends talk about is marriage and/or weddings like that's all there is to life, why I want Jesus above any guy, why I am not content to commit myself to the ideology that my life starts on my wedding day, and why if God chose for me to remain single all my life I would be content with that. And yet, of course, I still participate in the marriage conversations (or more accurately, the wedding day conversations), I still want to get married someday. But that desire is on the backburner. I want to follow Jesus more. I want to follow Him to East Asia this summer. I want to follow Him to the hearts of women who need encouragement, uplifting, and salvation on this campus. I want to follow Him to selflessness and quit being selfish. Jeannie gave me some hope in this area, though, if God has decided to fulfill this desire for an earthly marriage: if or when I meet the right man, he will be a man who cares about me so much that he will encourage me to seek the Lord, he will encourage me to spend time with my girlfriends, and then time we spend together will lift me to Christ, and I will go away not worried but thankful because of the way our relationship, his leadership, brought me that much closer to my Lord. Realistically, she said, those men are hard to find, but they're there. They exist, because God does mighty work in the hearts of His people. And I believe it, because He's done a mighty work in me. So I am encouraged.

So the consensus, then, is that it's hard, but Christ makes it good; He makes it worth it.



Afternoon:
I have done it...I'm done with TCF. It's a sucky bank. Students of the U: NEVER BANK THERE.

Ok, that rant is over. I'm increasingly nervous about Omaha for 2 reasons: 1) the most obvious of, there's a guy there who might be a distraction. I've pretty much gotten over the attraction, but that's with a few hundred miles between us. It's silly to be worried about this. 2) I am so stinkin nervous about going to a foreign country. I've never been outside of the continental US. People do it all the time. I don't know, it's more of a nervous excitement. The unknown. It's super cool in a scary kinda way.

Well, class in 45 minutes. I figure I should get some lunch and try to work on passport issues.

By the way: HOORAY FOR SPRING BREAK!!!!

yuck

as a break from my normal-type postings: Greek homework is currently the bane of my existence. No, scratch that. Taking German 1004 and Classical Greek 1002 is the bane of my existence. They want to kill me. I swear it.


(just kidding. I am not paranoid. Just tired.)

by the way...one week tomorrow. this is a little harder than I thought. Or easier. I can't decide yet.