Thus Far

Well, Spring Break so far has been eventful and has passed all too quickly. I hate when time goes too fast.

So, Sunday night I went to this Passion performance at my church, entitled Passion: It's a Dying Thing. Ok, so having gone to a performing arts high school but not acting since then, my skills and analytical tendencies have slightly dulled with the passing of time, but the moment I set foot in the sanctuary viewing this performance, I can poetically say that I was initially offended by the actors. However, I was really pretty ashamed of this reaction, because it was totally my pride flaring up. I was watching these people perform something very dear and real to them, as it is to me, and here I was criticizing their performance. So I prayed for God to take my pride away, and to help me to hear the message He wanted to speak to me. It worked, He answered me. Against all of my natural tendencies, the Holy Spirit spoke to me in incredible ways. So it gets to Jesus' crucufixion, and they turn out all the lights and play the sound of Him being whipped and I really couldn't take it...I just kept thinking, "stop it" over and over, the sound overwhelmed me. And then I just got it. That should have been me. I deserved that, not Him. My pride. My contempt for what God has done for me. My disbelief. My dull heart towards Him. My obstinate disobedience. The way I treat people. The way I have served other gods in my life - idols that fade like the grass in winter. My impatience. My mistrust. My selfishness. Overindulgence. Laziness. Everything about me screams rebellion against my Creator. And while I was hating Him, struggling to run away from Him, He was loving me. While I was trying to prove that I was good enough, even too good for God, Jesus was hanging on the cross for me.

And as I realized all of this, I started to cry...I wept. I wept for the rest of the performance. I felt a grief over my sin that I don't think I've experienced in such a capacity. And I was thankful. I thanked my God for what He had done for me. The Holy Spirit moves in spite of me, in spite of everything.

I'm still struggling to truly grasp all of this though...I've been with one other roommate this week, and I feel like I am being influenced in ways that I don't want to be influenced in. I'm not laying any blame on her, I totally have responsibility in this...but it's frustrating how sin so easily entangles us. I don't want to be bound by it, but I am certainly not above it. I still struggle daily, hourly, momentarily with it. I'm struggling to get beyond myself, to react to others with love no matter what, to resolve conflicts in a Godly way. I know with Christ, it can happen, He can, will, does satisfy in all facets and capacities. If only I weren't so easily satisfied with the dull pleasures the world has to offer. But then, everything still just points to Jesus, it's not about me or me being able to get past my struggle with sin on my own, because I know I can't. It's not in my capability to be perfect, that's why He came. All I can do is submit to His work in me. And I am praying that He would do a great work in me. Maybe that's pretentious, but I want as much of Jesus as I can handle, and then I want more of Him so He can increase my heart's capacity to know and love Him.

I guess I've only talked about Sunday, there's more that's happened this week...but I'm tired and don't want to write anymore, so I'll write more tomorrow. There's a lot to do. Tomorrow I need to be intentional.