whoah
Hmm, yeah, it's been awhile since I've written...but I have vowed not to abandon this thing, just so I can say I've persevered...
So it amazes me how so much can change in just three little months. How does that even work? I feel like a completely different person, with completely different experiences, and a hopefully more mature and less naive perspective on life, people, and romance. My family has been torn apart...my dad finally left us. Two words: anger and anguish. But hope, too. It's mercy that I can say hope. It was really rough for awhile. I definitely went through a whole month of despair, hanging on by a thread. Not that the hurt has gone away, but that light, that little small almost invisible light that God always gives is there, always was there, leading me to good places. He held on to me when I could barely get out of bed. The greatest place being His presence and His love and His promises that though my father may have left, though my own father "may forget" me HE never will (par. from Isaiah 49). My suffering is for His glory and my joy. Brokenness is for His glory and my joy. Sorrow is for His glory and my joy. See the pattern here? Yeah, me too. Everything leads back to His goodness, and His faithfulness. And His mercy. I never would have called it that before, not the actual feeling the hurt part-I would for sure have called the after the hurt good feelings mercy. But if my dad leaving brings me closer to God for God alone, not His blessings, it's mercy. Because in my sorrow I've also seen so much of my sin. And it's horrifying, it's revolting. More than just being "bad stuff", sin is an un-jumpable obstacle in your relationship with God, until Jesus steps in. After all this, I think suffering clarifies so much. Like the fact that there IS evil in the world. Maybe my issues are too small to make someone see that, but just take genocide. Masses and masses of bodies lying dead in a heap because of hatred. You can't tell me that's not evil, and if you do, well...hopefully at some point before you die you will come to that realization, and then come to the realization that you can do something about it. The world can be saved one soul at a time. And it needs to be souls first, before physical lives.
So I'm thinking out loud. I do that.
So it amazes me how so much can change in just three little months. How does that even work? I feel like a completely different person, with completely different experiences, and a hopefully more mature and less naive perspective on life, people, and romance. My family has been torn apart...my dad finally left us. Two words: anger and anguish. But hope, too. It's mercy that I can say hope. It was really rough for awhile. I definitely went through a whole month of despair, hanging on by a thread. Not that the hurt has gone away, but that light, that little small almost invisible light that God always gives is there, always was there, leading me to good places. He held on to me when I could barely get out of bed. The greatest place being His presence and His love and His promises that though my father may have left, though my own father "may forget" me HE never will (par. from Isaiah 49). My suffering is for His glory and my joy. Brokenness is for His glory and my joy. Sorrow is for His glory and my joy. See the pattern here? Yeah, me too. Everything leads back to His goodness, and His faithfulness. And His mercy. I never would have called it that before, not the actual feeling the hurt part-I would for sure have called the after the hurt good feelings mercy. But if my dad leaving brings me closer to God for God alone, not His blessings, it's mercy. Because in my sorrow I've also seen so much of my sin. And it's horrifying, it's revolting. More than just being "bad stuff", sin is an un-jumpable obstacle in your relationship with God, until Jesus steps in. After all this, I think suffering clarifies so much. Like the fact that there IS evil in the world. Maybe my issues are too small to make someone see that, but just take genocide. Masses and masses of bodies lying dead in a heap because of hatred. You can't tell me that's not evil, and if you do, well...hopefully at some point before you die you will come to that realization, and then come to the realization that you can do something about it. The world can be saved one soul at a time. And it needs to be souls first, before physical lives.
So I'm thinking out loud. I do that.
posted by The Girl With Something to Say @ 9/21/2005 12:28:00 AM
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