what to say, what to say.

Life is confusing, Jesus is beautiful. I am nothing.

Blinders came up in a conversation today, and I don't think I really have them anymore (I'm not sure about the correctness of this doctrine, but at least ultimately Jesus has taken them away), but there are still these small pleasures I cling to. Sometimes I feel trapped by them, actually, most of the time.

I don't really know what's going on with my heart, either.

What I do know is that I know, thanks to the work of the Holy Spirit, that God is so much more gratifying, satisfying, joy-giving than anything else, and I know that in my deepest core and when I begin to turn to these small pleasures I can feel the emptiness more than I ever felt it before. I long for something more, Someone GREAT.

There is often this struggle that wages within me
and I turn and reach for every option presented to me, in desperation
grasping for the closest thing to cling to--
a stone, a root, a vine to keep from being swept away
to stay afloat - but it's not enough
the thing I reach for evades me
just a little further than arm's length away;
it devastates me.
until I look and see the Hand of One whom I call Savior-
He was the one pulling stone and root and vine out of reach
so that I could reach His hand, so I would see that He would pull me up and save me.
He brought me to the very edge to save me, to show me
I struggled against Him for so long, I thought I could save myself,
but I was wrong, and it took the water's depth to change me.

paper writing

Well...

I'm feeling frustrated and disoriented and unorganized. I had this paper due today, and it's on two Holocaust memoirs books I've read for my History of the Holocaust class. It's a good class, but sometimes it's just really hard to learn about. But that, in turn, is why it's a good class to take. We need to know and see and deal with the evil side of human nature. I'm not just going to make myself oblivious to the hard things in life while there are others in the world who suffer. That's one thing I'm seeing about the Holocaust-it wasn't a one time event. People hate other people enough to kill all the time. We need to know so we can fight against it.

but, the downside of all this good learning is the intense paper writing, which I am having crazy trouble with right now. Unfortunately, grades do matter in a university. We don't learn for learning's sake, we learn to get a degree and therefore the right to function in the world. Normally, paper writing is pretty easy for me. I suck at math and science, but give me a paper to write any day. Not this time. Ideas are refusing to formulate. and it doesn't help that I've been a little bit distracted the past few days.

I can't focus!

However, I will push on. Lack of sleep will not daunt me. The long day ahead will pass by soon enough, Thursday (a day I always look forward to) will be here, it will all be over, and I will have written what is probably my 50th paper in my college career. No joke. What can I say? Being long-winded, and being able to control it at that, can be a good thing.

another thought: in one of the memoirs the author, Charlotte Delbo, writes a lot of poetry. I write poetry, too, but I would never publish it or make it available in any way shape or form to the public because usually when I go back and read it I feel very embarrassed for myself ever having written something so not good. heaven forbid that someone ever find my secret stash of past journals. Delbo's poetry is good though. But look at what she's been through. there's nothing trivial about her life. she deals with weighty things.

And, on a sillier note, my roommates and I are going to be presenting a very fun talent on Thursday night (the annual Nav Halloween/talent night). We will be doing our very own rendition of A Whole New World from Disney's Aladdin. I, of course, will be singing the part of Aladdin, because I am the only roommate who's crazy enough to parody a man. yeah...well I used to do theater. I'm really excited though, because the plan is turning into a very elaborate scheme. :)

Once again: My Jesus is FAITHFUL.

16Rejoice always, 17pray without ceasing, 18give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 19Do not quench the Spirit. 20Do not despise prophecies, 21but test everything; hold fast what is good. 22Abstain from every form of evil. 23Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

Yes, He who calls you is faithful; He WILL surely do it. I should never cease giving thanks to Him. This morning at church my pastor was talking about Galatians 2:1-10, and he outlined basically Paul's missions calling (the sermon was book-ending Missions' week). There are so many amazing things about Paul's calling, one of the main ones being that Paul's calling to missions was his conversion--that is, his face to face with Jesus. And as my friend so beautifully put it, when you see Jesus the way Paul did you can't HELP but go and spread the good news (that was a paraphrase, of course). This summer the Lord asked me to lay my desire in His hands, to lay it down completely, and since then my passion for the nations has only grown. It was because I was trying to control it. But God has the control now, and I can't wait to see where He takes me, and when. And I'm ok if it's a long time from now.

Another really cool thing is that I think there's a way for me to graduate on time now, despite troubles with Greek. But still, if the Lord wants me to stay another year, I will. I don't know, basically it just involves me switching my major to history, so we'll see what happens.

Today was just a sweet time with Jesus. I don't know why. As in, His mercy is unfathomable to me. But it's so good to praise Him. It's funny though, because at Vespers tonight, I got this feeling, in the middle of awesome worship, that I just didn't want it to end there. I mean, it's so good just to enjoy God, but I want to labor for Him. I mean, I don't know how to explain it, other than referring back to the sermon this morning. But I want, above all, my passion for Jesus' name and renown and glory in the hearts of all people to spread to other women, who will in turn become laborers. Wow. How did I get here? (Obvious answer: transformation by salvation). It's good. My life right now reminds me of John 16:33:

33I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus"...I mean, just looking at my last post, yeah, I'm a person, what's more, I'm a girl, NOT perfect, circumstances and moods swing back and forth, my heart is wayward and unfaithful, yet through it all, Christ is Lord over it, He guides me through everything even when I'm being stupid and God shows Himself to be sovereign and good over it all. Yeah...wow. I kneel in awe. Beautiful. :)

I want to pray more, and I want to be a better prayer. This is a long-term goal. Because I don't think it's going to happen overnight, obviously...it takes time to really grow in stuff like this.

I know one thing I need to do is listen...not control. Sometimes I think I put up a wall when it comes to listening to God. Again with the mistrust. Geez. It's gotta end somewhere. Heaven. Can't wait for that day.

So, I experienced a wide range of emotions today, and I'm going to try to list them off in order, but without explanation:

excitement
warm-ish, happy thing...not sure how to describe it, really
conviction
frustration
boredom
conviction
anticipation
disappointment
conviction
anger
very happy
annoyance
embarrassment
anger
sadness
relief
excitedness
pensiveness
nervous...

this list shows a couple of things:
1) I over-analyzed myself today
2) there's apparently a lot going on
3) maybe I'm bi-polar? I don't really think that, because most of these emotions weren't that extreme. Lots of girls have mood swings.

Needless to say, I'm glad today is over, I hope tomorrow will be fresh (with new mercy), and now I'm ending this post that I'm sure makes no sense to anyone but me (or perhaps those involved in any of the aforementioned emotions, but that chance is slim to none).

So today, another blow. I can't believe I'm about to write this on my very public blog.

I got my Greek midterm back today, and I failed it. Like, literally failed it. And to top off the lovely feeling of an F going down for 30% of my grade, my professor wrote:

"I know you don't want to drop this class, but I just don't think you can pass at this point."

Nice, huh? Actually, she was really nice and really helpful, so I have no bitterness towards her. So after we talked and I told her why I couldn't drop the class, we came up with the solution that I not officially drop it, but that I just not go and get a crash course in last year's Greek from a grad student, in order to catch up. So I will be completing my ancient language requirement for my major nontraditionally, and I will not graduate in May. Hopefully, if I can do my senior paper this year still, I will be able to graduate during the summer. But I don't know.

And I cried. I prayed that I would not cry while I was still talking to my prof, and my Lord answered that prayer with a yes, but afterward I sat down on a secluded bench and bawled. I also called my mom, which helped a ton, because I was so worried what she was going to say. But once again she pulled through and was supportive and encouraging and told me not to worry about the money. My mother is amazing, a godsend. After I talked to my mom, I sat down in a coffee shop and received more comfort from the Lord, and I realized that 1) this is not me failing and Him having to redo His plans, this is His plan A, i.e. He is in control over this situation; and 2) He is leading me to better places than where my own plans were leading me. He gave me Joshua 3:3-4:

"giving orders to the people: "When you see the ark of the covenant of the LORD your God, and the priests, who are Levites, carrying it, you are to move out from your positions and follow it. 4 Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before."

Those verses are significant because God used them crazily in my life last year, around this time, actually. Funny, huh?

In my failure I am learning to love my Jesus more. So really, this thing that is frustrating and hard is so good. It doesn't really feel so great right now, especially since I don't think I've ever worked harder in a class, BUT God is using this to reveal His glory more fully in me and to me.

On top of this, He's challenging me to love Him more than anything else. And I mean, choosing Him over say, food, or attention from guys or the myriad of other things that I struggle with. Life is hard, but I can say with boldness and confidence that it is for God's glory and my joy. Thank You! It's only by His grace that I can even think that. And another passage that God spoke to me this morning (before it all happened):

1Paul, Silas[a] and Timothy,
To the church of the Thessalonians in God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ:

2Grace and peace to you from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
Thanksgiving and Prayer
3We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing. 4Therefore, among God's churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.

5All this is evidence that God's judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering. 6God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you 7and give relief to you who are troubled, and to us as well. This will happen when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven in blazing fire with his powerful angels. 8He will punish those who do not know God and do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. 9They will be punished with everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the majesty of his power 10on the day he comes to be glorified in his holy people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. This includes you, because you believed our testimony to you.

11With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. 12We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.

So, that was long, but isn't that crazy? He's perfect, with perfect timing, perfect words. He knows just the right way to love me. I can't wait for heaven. Really. An eternity with the Almighty who loves me and cares for me and delights in me...an eternity of praising this God who sacrificed His own glorious Son for me, an undeserving sinner? Yeah, I'm up for it.

Ultimate joy is not comfort in this life, but an eternity praising the Holy One of Israel.

I have been challeneged to live for a single purpose today.

Do I dare?
Do I risk rejection, pain
hardships, failure,
being thought foolish--
for something more?
I do, I do, I do!
With all my heart I say yes,
with all my heart, by Your grace,
I say yes.
Give me grace today, give me grace today
break me more today
to shine through me more today
and let me see Your glory
because You are life and breath
and more than everything I need.

I want my life to count for His glory. I think I've probably said that before, but today I feel it with a reawakened passion. This time it's serious. I won't settle for tin anymore, I want the gold.

Where would I be without You?

I have to admit that I feel a little desperate right now, because the world isn't enough and yet I catch myself still trying to make it enough. And as my friend Marilyn likes to say, trying to let the world's offerings fill the hole in your heart is like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a bucket of water. It just doesn't work.

And I'm learning, oh I'm learning. I went to a whole weekend of talks on suffering and the sovereignty of God. Seeing and hearing people who have suffered things I can't even imagine still talking about the goodness and mercy and absolute sovereign control of God brings to me, by God's grace, hope. And hope does not disappoint us. No, hope is being sure of what we have yet to see. Hope is God in Jesus Christ. It cannot be defined any other way.

"Oh that we may not live glibly, flippantly, superficially, but rather in the weight of the glory of God, the indescribable beauty of our Lord, and the all-surpassing joy of His presence through Jesus Christ."

My God is big enough to handle me. My Jesus is merciful enough to bring me to suffer with Him. And I will not buy into the lie that He is not behind every detail, painful and pleasurable, for the purpose of more fully revealing to me His glory, which is my joy.

And now the question is, where do I go from here? How can my life be radically changed because of what He has revealed to me this weekend? Because I can't go on like before, things again have changed. I'll wait for Him, I think, because I think He'll tell me.

growing up

So my mom was in town today (on business) all the way from Atlanta. So she came over and took me to the Mall of America for dinner at Tucci Bertuch and new running shoes. We had a pretty good talk, though nothing new was really said, except that I agreed to be my brother's beneficiary in case something ever happened to her. That's a crazy thing to agree to, especially since I'd really like to believe my mom will never die. That's what happens when your parents get divorced, I guess.

The visit was so short, too. just five hours. that wasn't enough time. Every time I see her I feel so helpless, I feel small and burdensome. I want to be problem free so as not to add to the other problems in her life. I love her so much, I love my brother so much. I love my sister and dad too, but it's a little harder to do that right now. And when she left my house tonight, I cried. Which makes me wonder, will I ever grow up? And am I really supposed to be in Minnesota right now, so far away from them? It's at this point that I must make the observation that right as I am at the point of reaching real adulthood and independence, I am wishing I could be little again, I wish just to be mothered by my mom. And moreso, I wish for my dad to be a dad, and to quit being so stinkin' selfish to take responsibility and to start being a man! He's the kind of guy that makes me lose hope for ever finding a good one...or a good one ever finding me. My mom deserved better than that. I'm afraid to allow myself to hope for that. And that's where I need to trust God. He deserves for all my hope to be placed in Him. And He asks me to give Him all my hurt. He's the Redeemer for a reason. And I just have to let Him show me that.

Psalm 143
My Soul Thirsts for You
A Psalm of David.

1Hear my prayer, O LORD; give ear to my pleas for mercy! In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness. 2Enter not into judgment with your servant,for no one living is righteous before you. 3For the enemy has pursued my soul; he has crushed my life to the ground;he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.

4Therefore my spirit faints within me; my heart within me is appalled.

5I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands. 6I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah

7Answer me quickly, O LORD! My spirit fails! Hide not your face from me, lest I be like those who go down to the pit. 8Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,

for in you I trust.

Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. 9Deliver me from my enemies, O LORD! I have fled to you for refuge! 10Teach me to do your will,for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground! 11For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life! In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble! 12And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant.

well, another night, another moment avoiding Greek homework, which I will resume after posting this blog.

today I was convicted on some of the reasons why I love God. There's still so much of me that wants the value of my salvation to be centered around me. It's like the selfishness never ends. but I was reading the introduction of this book, and I was totally just pierced by the Holy Spirit. but it's good to be convicted like that. hard but good. I hope it will stay that way. May He expel all pride and selfish ambitions.

I was also encouraged, because God used me (again) when I was completely unprepared (all the more for His glory). So, yeah...it's exciting for God to fulfill His purpose in me. He uses the foolish to shame the wise, and the stink if I'm not foolish. I'm completely blessed to be living among the community of believers I live among. and it's exciting to see the knowledge of what joy it is to glorify Him in the hearts of younger believers. it's nights like this where I am absolutely positive that I could do this my whole life. I really want to. I want to invest in women for the glory of God. It's so funny how the more you focus on loving God and less on what to do to please God, the clearer your vision gets on how to glorify Him. and I think that's because the relationship is what makes glorifying Him possible. You can't do first. You have to love first. It's a simple concept that is really hard to grasp. I already know I'm going to have to relearn it a million times in my life, but I'm ok with that because I like learning things from God. He's a good teacher.

Greek

when I sit down to do Greek homework, the following things inevitably happen:

1) I check my email obsessively
2) I visit facebook and check for messages obsessively
3) I play Spider Solitaire
4) I check away messages...obsessively
5) I take a power nap
6) I translate about half of the assignment

All in all, I would say that this is the behavior of a frustrated student who all of a sudden just can't read Greek. Because I don't want to. It's all stinkin' Greek to me.

every day is a day you have to engage in battle against the enemy, fighting to believe God's truth, that He loves us and that His love is better than life.

As strongly as I believe that, I find myself fighting to believe that in my heart. Sometimes it's because I just don't want to fight anymore. So I fall back on old things...right when I am content, the Enemy reminds me that, ok, yeah, I do want a relationship and I definitely am not in one and that makes me less worthy as, you know, a 'woman'. When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. That's a quote by one of my favorite guys-Paul. He's second favorite, though. Maybe someday he'll be third favorite.

I definitely used to ask (bitterly) why relationships mattered so much to people, and especially women. I still ask, but now I know it's what God made people for. It's a huge amazing thing that absolutely shouldn't be taken lightly. Honestly, I'm really afraid of that. How could I ever be good enough to handle something like that? I'm way too messy (literally and spiritually/mentally/emotionally). But I'll answer my own question: it's not about how good you are. it's not about me at all. It's about God, about trusting Him, and really giving Him His rightful place at the center of your heart.

Man, everyday we have to fight. Every moment. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. But here's the answer He gave me awhile ago, and here's the answer I'll cling to now:

29 Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. 30 The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, 31 and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." -Deut 1:29-31

God is my hiding place, my refuge.