growing up

So my mom was in town today (on business) all the way from Atlanta. So she came over and took me to the Mall of America for dinner at Tucci Bertuch and new running shoes. We had a pretty good talk, though nothing new was really said, except that I agreed to be my brother's beneficiary in case something ever happened to her. That's a crazy thing to agree to, especially since I'd really like to believe my mom will never die. That's what happens when your parents get divorced, I guess.

The visit was so short, too. just five hours. that wasn't enough time. Every time I see her I feel so helpless, I feel small and burdensome. I want to be problem free so as not to add to the other problems in her life. I love her so much, I love my brother so much. I love my sister and dad too, but it's a little harder to do that right now. And when she left my house tonight, I cried. Which makes me wonder, will I ever grow up? And am I really supposed to be in Minnesota right now, so far away from them? It's at this point that I must make the observation that right as I am at the point of reaching real adulthood and independence, I am wishing I could be little again, I wish just to be mothered by my mom. And moreso, I wish for my dad to be a dad, and to quit being so stinkin' selfish to take responsibility and to start being a man! He's the kind of guy that makes me lose hope for ever finding a good one...or a good one ever finding me. My mom deserved better than that. I'm afraid to allow myself to hope for that. And that's where I need to trust God. He deserves for all my hope to be placed in Him. And He asks me to give Him all my hurt. He's the Redeemer for a reason. And I just have to let Him show me that.

Psalm 143
My Soul Thirsts for You
A Psalm of David.

1Hear my prayer, O LORD; give ear to my pleas for mercy! In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness. 2Enter not into judgment with your servant,for no one living is righteous before you. 3For the enemy has pursued my soul; he has crushed my life to the ground;he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.

4Therefore my spirit faints within me; my heart within me is appalled.

5I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands. 6I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah

7Answer me quickly, O LORD! My spirit fails! Hide not your face from me, lest I be like those who go down to the pit. 8Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,

for in you I trust.

Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. 9Deliver me from my enemies, O LORD! I have fled to you for refuge! 10Teach me to do your will,for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground! 11For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life! In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble! 12And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant.