new anxieties, new ideas

well...I think I might want to go to France for three weeks this summer. But that's just an idea, and a really REALLY attractive one at that. It's only three weeks, anyway. And I have to take a summer class, so why not have a ton of fun before I do that? I mean, France would be work too, it IS Study Abroad. But FRANCE. I'd be studying medieval and Roman civilization in Montpellier, France!! You know, I really think that 1st century history is a passion of mine. And Jewish History. I haven't studied much of Early Christian history (outside of the 1st century), but from what I know, I'd love to know more about that too. Why history? It's so tedious. Maybe because it's not a mystery, but it is all at the same time. Wow, I am liking this idea more and more. Ok, but it's just an idea. (I need to slow down some, I think.) Anyway, I need to figure some other things out first, like EdgeCorps.

I just looked up where Montpellier is (geographical knowledge is not my strength) and honestly, it's location makes it even MORE attractive to me. It's on the southeastern border, on the northern side of the Mediterranean Sea near Marseille. Man, I want to go. I can at least appply, right? Well, enough about that.

I read over Micah chapters 6 and 7 today. I have been familiar with Micah 7:8-9 for a few months, but reading those two chapters together helped put it more into perspective. Chapter 6 is God's indictment of Israel, and what the wicked will get if they continue in their wickedness. All I could think was, I deserve all of that. And I'm having a really really hard time believing God's grace right now. There's just something about home that brings up the awful memories of who I used to be and where I came from. It makes me want to cast myself into Sheol. But here, I ask the question, is my shame becoming my pride? Will I "nullify the grace of God?" Will I have contempt for all He has done for me, for all the love and redemption I have already received, and all that is mine for eternity? I don't want to, at all, I hate being separated from Him.

What sucks is that struggles aren't resolved in moments. At least mine aren't. And another thing, I say a whole ton of things to myself and believe them in my head before I believe them in my heart. I do it all the time. Even when I %100 know that my head knowledge is truth. But head knowledge isn't what transforms, and so I'm stuck here right now. Waiting. Waiting for my God to offer me the vindication I want and so desperately need.

7But as for me, I will look to the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
my God will hear me.
8Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be a light to me.
9I will bear the indignation of the LORD
because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my cause
and executes judgment for me.
He will bring me out to the light;
I shall look upon his vindication.
10Then my enemy will see,
and shame will cover her who said to me,
"Where is the LORD your God?"
My eyes will look upon her;
now she will be trampled down
like the mire of the streets.

between Christmas and New Year's

well, I've been home for almost a week, and with different things happening on both sides of the good-bad spectrum, it's balanced out to be...not worse than I expected. So that's good. But it's still been hard. Being here makes me want a family, simply because I lack one. It's me and my mom at one house, and my brother and sister and dad at another. How much more split up can you get? Besides everyone being alone, and at least that isn't the case.

Usually I love Christmas, I love the season and the music and everything that goes with it. This year, it's different. I don't really know what else to say, it's just different. I love Jesus. And when I'm here, and I remember my past and I see what's going on now, I see- the experiential, heartfelt, spiritual kind of see -God's mercy. My mom makes these comments that I'm smarter than she was (this was around the age when she married my dad), but I hate that, because I know I'm not, God just had mercy on me. I would have gotten married if I had had my way. I was set on it. The only difference was one little answer to prayer. So why was I spared everything? But is that really the right way to look at it? If all of this lead my mother to faith, it was good. God knows what He's doing, I just have a hard time understanding why I can't understand His way. I want to understand. But that doesn't come this side of heaven.

Truth is a major theme this holiday break. I'm learning lots of things I didn't want to know, but it's good that I know. I'm revealing things that I never had the courage to reveal before, and most of that is because of my mom and her courage. And because I am changed. I am completely different from who I was even just three short years ago. I'm a new creation. Sometimes it's hard to believe that, others it's not. Right now, I don't know what to think. Two things I am glad of: 1) that truth doesn't depend on how I feel in a given situation and 2) that God's plans cannot be thwarted by man. Because I seriously do everything I can to mess with them. But He hems me in, I'm brought to my knees again, and He reminds me who the Creator is, who the Father is, and who Love is.

anger, nothingness, brokenness, hurt, brokenness, perseverance...Hope. And Hope does not disappoint us. If God is for us, who can be against us? Bring on the New Year. I'm ready.

It's the middle of finals, and I should be studying for a final right (two, actually), but I can't concentrate. I'm borrowing my roommate's laptop as I write this, since they are downstairs watching Christmas with the Kranks. I really want to watch it too, but I will refrain. I am supposed to be studying, after all...

I've been feeling so despondent the last few days. How come everything has to get difficult again right in the middle of finals? Is it asking too much to have a moment's rest while I'm supposed to be concentrating on getting good grades so I can graduate? I suppose so. I just abhor school right now. Abhor means hate, but I think it more adequately describes my feelings...it seems to me a more colorful adjective. I hate that I'm like this right now, and that I've been like this for the past week and a half. I'm moody. I'm mean. I'm jealous and vindictive. I'm selfish and self-pitying. I have no motivation. And I feel a little hopeless.

Yet this I call to mind, and still I have hope: God has saved me, He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. I believe this, but I need help to believe. My heart longs for this, but I am "laid low in the dust," angry, somewhat bitter, and frustrated that I won't stop doing the things I hate. I need a big God. No, I need an infinite God, who is infinitely merciful. I need a God who will fill this emptiness that is now threatening to overwhelm me. The other day, as I was walking home, all I could think to ask was for Him to take me home. Because I feel like a failure. I feel alone. I feel defeated and sick, and I loathe myself. So my conversation with Him went like this:

"God, please, just let me stop breathing, stop my heart, right now, please God..."
"My grace is sufficient for you."
"But God, I'm so tired, I'm weak, I'm helpless, how could everything have fallen apart like this, was it me? Can I even do this? I can't! I can't!"
"For I know the plans I have for you..."
"God, just let me die, take me Home, please Lord, it hurts to breathe"
"...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

He had to say that last thing to me a couple of times. In case you're wondering if I've gone off the deep end, I haven't, His responses were His Word from 2 Corinthians 12 and Jeremiah 29. The Jeremiah verse was interesting, because I haven't thought about that verse in a long time. It probably seems unbelievable that this conversation took place, and that's ok, I know it happened. That's the purpose of memorizing scripture, after all. To fight despair and sin, and the lies the Enemy would have us believe.

I'm in a hard place right now. I'll cling to God, (but in reality, He'll cling to me, He won't let me go, He'll fight for me). I just need my heart to be alive enough to respond to Him. Can it be? Can I be alive enough to struggle against the flesh and against bitterness and rage and envy? Can I struggle against clinging to any feeble hope in what the world has to offer? Oh Lord, I hope so. Am I able to serve while I'm like this? How could I possibly? If there's one thing I learned a couple of months ago, it's that 1) it's not God that I'm serving, it is not He who is the beneficiary, the receiver, I am. This is where He meets me-in brokenness, in weakness, in hardships, in despair. This is how He perfects His power. 2) God will do it for His namesake, for His renown. He will do it for His glory, in my heart and in the hearts of others. It's about Him. So I should wait.

The Lord is my refuge, my fortress. My hope is in Him.

note: we do not start out good, we do not even start out neutral. We start by being utterly depraved, incapable of not sinning with every ounce of our hearts, souls, and minds against the Creator God.

We are not on the same level as God. We can neither compare ourselves to Him, nor think that He is held to our same standards. We are corrupt, even our idea of justice is perverted by sin. Can we know, do, or savor anything good without sin being present-even the very sin of being satisfied with ourselves for having known, done, or savored the good? Ask yourself this honestly. Really examine yourself.

Did we create the heavens, did we set the stars in the sky, did we raise mountains or set the boundaries for oceans, do we know what tomorrow will bring, were we there when the earth began?

Was I?

So who am I to tell God how to run things? Who am I to judge in this moment what is good and what is best? Should I submit to pride and arrogance, over-valuing the human condition and the place of man in the world? NO. DO NOT BE SO FOOLISH AS TO THINK THAT LIFE IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR COMFORT. Do not think that there is not a more glorious story being played out in history than the extent of your life. DO NOT.

I am laid low in the dust. In Your righteousness, O God, do not judge, for no one is righteous.

right now I feel vastly unmotivated and completely overwhelmed. I just want to quit. I want to quit school, I want to quit being visible to people, I want to quit life. I'm tired. I'm confused. I don't know where I'm going. I know I'm angry down there somewhere too, but it's manifesting itself as a general feeling of weightyness. And I have to think critically for two final papers. And I've realized how shallow my interaction with God has been the last couple of weeks. Where have I turned? Certainly not to Him. And I feel it. I always feel it, but I always find myself in places where I do what I hate.

Based on biblical texts and ideas, I believe He's letting me feel like this, in order that I might trust Him and let go of the worldly things I depend on. "Yet even now," declares the Lord, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. Rend your hearts and not your garments." Joel 2.

So I say to myself:
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar...By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God my Rock,"Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?" My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?" Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

At least I'm not the only one who's ever felt this. Why does life get harder all the time? Will it ever get better? "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world." My only hope is Christ. I cling to Him...no, I don't have the strength. He clings to me. He keeps me. He will be faithful. By His grace and mercy I will finish the race. I will finish.

Amusing things about Greg Koukl

1. Greg Koukl is funny. He's this Christian apologetics teacher, and he's got good theology, basically he's just great. Anyway, on a recent radio show, he said he had John Piper's prayer and fasting book, but he hasn't read it because he figures once he does he'll have to apply it, and he's not a big faster. It just struck me as amusing, and I just smiled and thought, "oh, Greg."

2. He says "chaps my pajamas." this is a previously discovered amusing thing, but it's still amusing. who says that? one person: Greg Koukl.

Also, I really like how he tries to understand concepts about the Bible by using all (or at least more than one of) the verses pertaining to the topic in the Bible, not just one verse. I think that's good.

I AM BURNT OUT!!!! I am so sick of writing papers. And I'm sick of school. And I'm sick of not getting eight hours of sleep per night.

Ok, I'm done complaining now. Sorry about that.

I was looking at my last entry, and I think I shouldn't write things like that. I thought about deleting it, but then I was like, no, just let it be. But I renounce my "yeah, that'll happen" comment. That was dumb. It's like asking for someone to say "of course it will happen, Morgan." No no no no no no no no no no no. In reality, yeah, I want to get married, I don't know many people who don't, but that's not my main goal, I refuse to let it be, because ok, it can be great, but it can be stinkin' hard and Jesus is better anyway! If He's the only man in my life the rest of my life, GOOD!! I'll have consistency throughout life and into eternity! I have to be careful about saying that kind of thing though too, because I think sometimes the reason people want to stay single can be just as selfish as some of the reasons for wanting to get married. My selfish reason for remaining single would be fear. But then my selfish desire for wanting to be married would be to feel good about myself. I must continue to fight against both of those. Anyway, feel free to disagree, but it's a thought.

You know what I'm supposed to be doing right now? Writing a paper. That's right. I'll get it done. Hopefully. I better.

This is a very pointless blog entry.

So, have you ever seen the movie Cinderella Man? It's based on a true story. That's the kind of man I'm going to marry, except add that he's completely sold out for God and will love God more than me. ...yeah, that'll happen.

Oh, and I was going to be really productive today, but seeing as how it's 9:30 and I'm about to go out, I'd say that isn't happening.

Now that's really all.