It's the middle of finals, and I should be studying for a final right (two, actually), but I can't concentrate. I'm borrowing my roommate's laptop as I write this, since they are downstairs watching Christmas with the Kranks. I really want to watch it too, but I will refrain. I am supposed to be studying, after all...

I've been feeling so despondent the last few days. How come everything has to get difficult again right in the middle of finals? Is it asking too much to have a moment's rest while I'm supposed to be concentrating on getting good grades so I can graduate? I suppose so. I just abhor school right now. Abhor means hate, but I think it more adequately describes my feelings...it seems to me a more colorful adjective. I hate that I'm like this right now, and that I've been like this for the past week and a half. I'm moody. I'm mean. I'm jealous and vindictive. I'm selfish and self-pitying. I have no motivation. And I feel a little hopeless.

Yet this I call to mind, and still I have hope: God has saved me, He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. I believe this, but I need help to believe. My heart longs for this, but I am "laid low in the dust," angry, somewhat bitter, and frustrated that I won't stop doing the things I hate. I need a big God. No, I need an infinite God, who is infinitely merciful. I need a God who will fill this emptiness that is now threatening to overwhelm me. The other day, as I was walking home, all I could think to ask was for Him to take me home. Because I feel like a failure. I feel alone. I feel defeated and sick, and I loathe myself. So my conversation with Him went like this:

"God, please, just let me stop breathing, stop my heart, right now, please God..."
"My grace is sufficient for you."
"But God, I'm so tired, I'm weak, I'm helpless, how could everything have fallen apart like this, was it me? Can I even do this? I can't! I can't!"
"For I know the plans I have for you..."
"God, just let me die, take me Home, please Lord, it hurts to breathe"
"...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

He had to say that last thing to me a couple of times. In case you're wondering if I've gone off the deep end, I haven't, His responses were His Word from 2 Corinthians 12 and Jeremiah 29. The Jeremiah verse was interesting, because I haven't thought about that verse in a long time. It probably seems unbelievable that this conversation took place, and that's ok, I know it happened. That's the purpose of memorizing scripture, after all. To fight despair and sin, and the lies the Enemy would have us believe.

I'm in a hard place right now. I'll cling to God, (but in reality, He'll cling to me, He won't let me go, He'll fight for me). I just need my heart to be alive enough to respond to Him. Can it be? Can I be alive enough to struggle against the flesh and against bitterness and rage and envy? Can I struggle against clinging to any feeble hope in what the world has to offer? Oh Lord, I hope so. Am I able to serve while I'm like this? How could I possibly? If there's one thing I learned a couple of months ago, it's that 1) it's not God that I'm serving, it is not He who is the beneficiary, the receiver, I am. This is where He meets me-in brokenness, in weakness, in hardships, in despair. This is how He perfects His power. 2) God will do it for His namesake, for His renown. He will do it for His glory, in my heart and in the hearts of others. It's about Him. So I should wait.

The Lord is my refuge, my fortress. My hope is in Him.