new anxieties, new ideas

well...I think I might want to go to France for three weeks this summer. But that's just an idea, and a really REALLY attractive one at that. It's only three weeks, anyway. And I have to take a summer class, so why not have a ton of fun before I do that? I mean, France would be work too, it IS Study Abroad. But FRANCE. I'd be studying medieval and Roman civilization in Montpellier, France!! You know, I really think that 1st century history is a passion of mine. And Jewish History. I haven't studied much of Early Christian history (outside of the 1st century), but from what I know, I'd love to know more about that too. Why history? It's so tedious. Maybe because it's not a mystery, but it is all at the same time. Wow, I am liking this idea more and more. Ok, but it's just an idea. (I need to slow down some, I think.) Anyway, I need to figure some other things out first, like EdgeCorps.

I just looked up where Montpellier is (geographical knowledge is not my strength) and honestly, it's location makes it even MORE attractive to me. It's on the southeastern border, on the northern side of the Mediterranean Sea near Marseille. Man, I want to go. I can at least appply, right? Well, enough about that.

I read over Micah chapters 6 and 7 today. I have been familiar with Micah 7:8-9 for a few months, but reading those two chapters together helped put it more into perspective. Chapter 6 is God's indictment of Israel, and what the wicked will get if they continue in their wickedness. All I could think was, I deserve all of that. And I'm having a really really hard time believing God's grace right now. There's just something about home that brings up the awful memories of who I used to be and where I came from. It makes me want to cast myself into Sheol. But here, I ask the question, is my shame becoming my pride? Will I "nullify the grace of God?" Will I have contempt for all He has done for me, for all the love and redemption I have already received, and all that is mine for eternity? I don't want to, at all, I hate being separated from Him.

What sucks is that struggles aren't resolved in moments. At least mine aren't. And another thing, I say a whole ton of things to myself and believe them in my head before I believe them in my heart. I do it all the time. Even when I %100 know that my head knowledge is truth. But head knowledge isn't what transforms, and so I'm stuck here right now. Waiting. Waiting for my God to offer me the vindication I want and so desperately need.

7But as for me, I will look to the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
my God will hear me.
8Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be a light to me.
9I will bear the indignation of the LORD
because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my cause
and executes judgment for me.
He will bring me out to the light;
I shall look upon his vindication.
10Then my enemy will see,
and shame will cover her who said to me,
"Where is the LORD your God?"
My eyes will look upon her;
now she will be trampled down
like the mire of the streets.