Spiritual Warfare

I grew up thinking nothing about spiritual warfare, because no one in my church ever talked about it. I thought it was all baloney-the same as ESP, telepathy, ghosts. One thing my relationship with Christ has taught me is that as real as He is, Satan and his angels are just as real. It's a thing that I've really done a lot of thinking about lately. My own personal experience has been mostly with unexplainable depression--a sadness that feels like a physical weight, one that stops up the ability to feel anything for anyone. I dealt with that most recently last semester, and it came up suddenly. It was set apart from everything in my life--everything was going fine. My classes, my friendships, there were no crushes on guys to make me feel depressed. It culminated one night when I was alone in my house and I just started eating and crying and then I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know why. And I went up into the bathroom and collapsed at the bathtub, and all of a sudden thoughts of suicide just popped into my head. For no reason. When that happened, I literally ran from the sin of my despair, almost shouting , "No" outloud and I ran from the room. It's frightening, the influence and thoughts that Satan can put in your head. But it's awesome how God fights for you every step of the way. I struggled to know He was there in that time, to feel His presence, and He was faithful, He brought me through.

I guess I'm just bringing this up now because I feel very sensitive to the reality of the war between God and Satan, salvation and sin. And I am so thankful that the One in me is more powerful than the ruler of the air, that He has already won. It's already accomplished. Death has no power, Satan no lasting victory in me because of Christ.

The link I put in my title (just click on it) is an interesting sermon my pastor preached awhile back, in which he describes an experience he had with spiritual warfare. Satan is real. God is real. And God is so good, Christ is so merciful. I pray that I would have a growing capacity for understanding of this truth, and that that understanding would lead to submission and humility.

yeah, He's faithful

It was one week from yesterday that I go to Omaha and really begin my journey to East Asia. I always get caught up in the waiting. Like, when I turned 16 and got my license, I couldn't believe it, I had reached a milestone that I never thought I would reach. I can even remember feeling the same way about my first day at middle school, and then high school, then turning 18, then going to college. I get caught up in waiting and I never believe that I will actually reach the point of fruition until I'm there and all of a sudden it is there, it is real, and it just seems surreal. That's what Omaha will be like. That's what EA will be like.

I have to wonder if it stems from my unbelief...I'm sure all Christians will tell you that no matter how many times God has proven Himself in their lives, the next moment doubt can set it. It's a constant battle. It reminds me of the man who encountered Jesus, crying out, "I believe, help me in my unbelief!" It really is a miracle that I trust Christ. It's not by my own power that I have faith enough to believe in Him and trust Him for forgiveness. All throughout the Bible people struggle with this. I was reading today in Exodus (making up some of the days I didn't do my daily reading) about the Golden Calf. Here is a people who had just been brought out of Egypt in one of God's most incredible acts to that point in history, and right after they turn and ask Aaron to make them a god of their choosing, an idol to worship. How can that be? I understand it all too well, because I've done the exact same thing. I live solely on God's mercy.

Another thing...it's strange how at the same time you can be brokenhearted, but filled with joy. I feel so weak sometimes - now. I feel weak now. Can I just give more of myself away? Can I quit living for my own happiness? Please? I struggle against selfishness. I struggle against pride. And yet Christ in me has done so much. every moment rests on His work. Maybe I've said this before, but I am pondering (for lack of a less archaic-sounding word) how I can balance living with a brokenheart for the lost and living with joy for the Hope which God has granted me. Is this a taste of what the world looks like to Jesus Christ? Everytime someone talks of Christianity as a hateful religion, I hurt. Not just because I know that's not Who God is, but because I know there are those who legitimately give the world reason to say such things. The pain the world feels, the loneliness, I've felt it. I've felt what it's like to think God has left you, abandoned and forsaken you. But everytime I've seen that He never left. I couldn't see Him, I couldn't feel Him, I couldn't hear Him, but He was there loving me. Dry times are always going to come.

³Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ⁶You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.

my computer is restored

OHMIGOODNESS. After trial after trial with our stupid internet connection things are finally fixed (finally in both senses). I am SO GLAD. I mean it's great that my university has good computer lab access, but there's just something about sitting in a room with a bunch of random people that makes you not want to use the lab. Or maybe it's just me.

Anyway...so much has changed since I last wrote-I'm going to East Asia, which I am so incredibly excited about and which is becoming more real to me each day. This Friday I go to Omaha for a "briefing" of sorts, and I get to meet my team there. Mostly, I feel like God is changing everything in my life. I had to let go of a friendship, because it was going someplace not good. Maybe it would have been ok for awhile, but had I not obeyed God I would have had a horrible feeling the whole time and it would have ended sooner or later anyway. He doesn't want a girl who's going to put him second. And I don't want a man who would put me first. Sanctification is hard, but disobedience is harder. Last night, though, I went to Travis, and the India team got back and they were telling us all about their time there and it was amazing and I really want to go. I just want to go everywhere. But for now I am confident that East Asia is where God wants me (this summer anyway, I'm here in Minnesota for a reason too), but I am praying that He will point me in the right direction during the trip. I just want to be out there. I have seen in the past few days an increase in my awareness for every single person's need for Christ. It's rampant, and it's heartbreaking. But it makes me see that my life is only a breath, and it's useless simply to try to gain personal happiness above God's glory. In my experience, God's glory is personal happiness, more than that, it's JOY. A deeper joy than I could ever have imagined existed.

A thought that occured to me this morning, as I was walking back from the Rec, is that I might be keeping people at arm's length (guys especially). I don't know. I need to think more, and write things down more, because I always forget everything, or most things, that I come to conclusions on.

oh the unexpected

Oh dear...just when I thought I was safe from CRUSHING. I met a guy, or rather remet him, yesterday and boy was he ATTRACTIVE. Do you ever just see someone and for some unexplainable reason they are SO CUTE? Ugh. Sick. NOT EVEN!! I don't know the guy, and he's way older. like, 6 years older. But with reddish hair and such a gentleman. and so on fire for Christ. but yeah, I don't know him. And he currently lives in Nebraska and leaves Minnesota Wednesday and SO would not be interested and I honestly think is probably more interested in my older, cooler, more mature roommate. So that's the end of it. There we go. No more.

Man, your heart can just do awful things.