Two things, both funny:

1) I fell on the ice today. I stepped out of Bordertown, my foot hit the ice, and boom! girl goes down. fortunately there was no one around to witness this feat of grace. :)

2) I saw the giant snoglobe from my neighbor's yard on TV today. It was in a KMart commercial, I believe. I laughed, because I remembered my stealth mission.

Other than that, I had a great day listening to Piper talk about prayer. Prayer is one of the things that's been on my heart lately, the other is forgiveness. I don't have much more to say on that right now, because my head hurts. I'll write more when I can think.

Also, I went to Aldi for groceries today. I felt like a "big girl" because I went all by myself. It was nice, because I moseyed through the grocery store without feeling guilty for holding any of my roommates up. I think I need alone time. I mean, I am most definitely an extrovert and I have noticed this semester especially how being around people energizes me, but I also just need time to myself. I wonder, is this selfish? Maybe I should live alone for a year and see what it's like. Or maybe not, because I can just see myself becoming a hermit. Seriously.

Back to prayer, I made my official prayer list today. Official doesn't mean permanent, it's just I feel like I made progress by actually writing it down. I think praying with a list is a good idea, because otherwise I forget the needs of the people I'm praying for. I've been listening to a lot of Piper's sermons on prayer lately. And today I realized that prayer is breath-taking and should be my very breath. That's right: I think that I ought to breathe prayer. Because I need God all the time. ALL THE TIME. For every temptation, for every desire, for every task. I need Him so I can feel the horror of my sinfulness when I try not to need Him. I long to know the lengths and heights and depths to which I need Him, because then I think I will know Him better. Really, I just want to experience His love more fully. Sins pleasures are pleasures indeed, but at the culmination of sin's pleasure comes the deepest realization of emptiness. And it's in that moment that I see. Why do I sin? What can it offer me? Only insatiable, perverted desire that gets worse the more I acquire what I desire, ultimately leading to destruction.

There's another thought from Piper that makes so much sense: when we talk about sin, especially with non-believers, it's important to stress that sin is not just horizontal (person to person) but the gravest sin is vertical (person to God). Because who were we made for? God. By whom? God. For what purpose? to display His infinite glory. But I'm sinful, I can't not be, how can I possibly live for that end? I can't. Then how can I possibly know God? through Christ alone. My Jesus. How am I so lucky that I can call Him mine, and know that in turn I belong to Him? It's what I've wanted my whole life. To belong to someone. Isaiah 62, He calls me His, He pursues me without end to completion in perfection. How can I not be in love with a God like that? I can't, not now that I've tasted and seen. Man, I probably sound crazy, but "if I am out of my mind it is for Christ, if I am in my right mind it is for you, for Christ's love compels me."

My headache feels better.

complimentarianism

yeah, big word. but it means simply that man and woman were created by God to compliment one another. I wholeheartedly agree with this. Now, you might be thinking, this sounds a little like the "separate but equal" policy that the government tried to pin on the educational systems in favor of segragation between African-Americans and Caucasian-Americans. I would respond, yes, this is that idea, but the difference is God created this concept for man and woman's good and so it actually works when done right, but then of course with the fall and everything, we messed it up, and so women now want men and power and men want to lord their power over women and abuse that right. Well that's not my main point here, and plus it is a problem that can be and is redeemed through Jesus Christ. But I digress.

My thoughts on this stem from an experience I had today in my Religion and Society in Imperial China class. The topic was Christianity in China, and the article we read was critical of the missionaries' impact and response to the different religions in China. So I ended up in a small discussion with a guy who is very American but also claims to be Buddhist. I felt that it went alright, not in that I won and he lost, but in that neither of us got angry or anything, so I feel like we respected each other well. However, and this is the embarrassing part, I am rather loud, I think, especially when I am passionate about something, and I really tried to keep my volume low because I was in a class with a bunch of quiet people, but I could still here my voice over everyone else's. Anyway, what was supposed to be a small group discussion ended up being a me and this guy (yeah, I don't even know his name) discussion, and the other people broke off. But at the end, this kid, whose name is Robert, who knows a lot about China, announced to the whole class that we were arguing over Christianity and so I felt like "that Christian," and I hate that feeling. But after Robert announced this, my thought process was as follows:

I'm so embarrassed, why did he have to say that, why does he have to act like he knows everything, why did I let myself get into a debate like that, Galatians 1:10 - I am not ashamed of the Gospel. I shouldn't be ashamed of this, the Gospel is offensive, did I speak so that the only thing offending people was the Gospel itself and not my attitude?

I felt like I did (in response to my last question) with this guy, but then I started wondering about the other people in my group. Especially two girls who both said, "I'm Christian, but I would never proselytize anyone." Now, from this statement I am thinking they're probably nominal Christians, that is, they go to church and probably believe in God and know about the whole story about Jesus, but this poses a problem: it is an entirely different thing to know about God and to know God. But yeah, then I ended up thinking: Morgan, calm down, you're too emotional, you're too much. Ok, anyway, how this relates to complimentarianism:

So, as it so happens I was perusing facebook and then a friend's blog (it's important to note that he is a man) and I read his latest entry which addresses an issue I had brought up in my blog last week sometime. While reading it, all I could think was, that's why I need friends like him, because his argument, while addressing very similar topics, was way better than mine BECAUSE it was rational and more like an actual thought out argument whereas mine was simply, well, venting. I said true things in my version, but I did it with more emotion than was probably necessary. But then, emotion isn't wrong, we ought to be emotional and passionate about morality issues, but it's good to have a balance. So, in my roundabout way, there's my point. But I shouldn't just depend on my male friends to balance me out, I need to look to Christ first and ask Him to produce the fruit in me that I see Him producing in my friend's heart. I don't really know if this is making sense.

Bottom line: Men and women, when interacting with God and with each other in a God-glorifying way, compliment each other well and it makes me think that marriage can be a good thing when God is the center, but not just marriage, relationships between brother and sister in Christ, I just say marriage because that's more along the lines of the main point of complimentarianism. Yeah, that was a long bottom line.

ok, three separate-but-equal things:

1) I am home safely from home. My flight was a bit bumpy, and by a bit, I mean, REALLY BUMPY. It was the first time I'd gotten scared on a flight in quite some time. But, thanks to God, we are ok.

2) the reconciliation I was praying for this weekend happened, at least a little. I was glad. Because it was a conviction, and it's always good to follow up on convictions. (not with my dad, I'm still seeking the Lord on this. baby steps, i.e. ex-boyfriend)

3) I have come to the realization that there are people who make risking your heart worth it.

Conclusion: there is hope.

I'm hurting.

But I've decided that I want to be the kind of woman who invites people to live more fully and to be more themselves. You know, nurturing. (am I a woman yet? who knows...)

I don't want to hide.
I don't want to control.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
I don't want to manipulate.

I want to be honest. I want to be who I am and not be ashamed. I want to let myself mess up. I want to listen more. I want to take hold of...everything. I want to quit thinking that what I want is better than what He wants for me. He withholds no good thing from those whose walk is blameless. Well, in Christ, I'm blameless, not in myself. Thank goodness. That's His promise to me, and I'm going to believe it.

"she is responding/beat up and hurting/deserving death/but offerings of life are found instead"

I hurt. Suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us. If I choose to believe this, then this hurt is good. It doesn't feel good, but neither does setting a broken bone.

happy holiday

So last night I tried to post this blog, but my computer froze (oh the joys of being at home). But it was probably a good thing, because I was maybe a tad emotional.

Ok, well, Thanksgiving so far has not been life shattering, but it hasn't been easy, either. Far from it. This whole thing with my dad sucks. I know, sucks is strong language, but that's how much it sucks. I got upset, I got angry, I cried a lot. A few times. I cried with my brother, and my mom says it's good because it's good for him to see that I'm struggling with this too. Yeah...I think that's about as far as I'm going to let myself go here. Because "A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back." Yeah, Solomon was definitely wise, even though he had like, 700 wives and concubines. I will say, though, that everything going on with my dad makes me want to be single for the rest of my life. But that's enough of that...

So it's the day after Thanksgiving, and our neighbors who are always first to put up decorations have theirs up. It's a giant blow-up santa and a gianter blow-up snowglobe. As my mom and I were driving by, I was like, tomorrow we're taking a picture and she was like, why don't you just do it now, and I was like only if you do it with me, and the result? I now have some crazy candid pictures of me and my mom with the giant santa and snow globe. Yeah, we're cool. There's no denying it. We're thinking about making them our Christmas cards. I don't usually make Christmas cards, but I'd do it just because of these pictures.

Other than all that, I miss my Minnesota friends. And my Indiana friend, and my Texas friend, and my Nebraska friends. I just miss my friends.

Abortion

Since arriving at the U, I have been bombarded with issues on women's rights, especially in light of abortion. Over and over there have been arguments going back and forth in the MN Daily over whether or not abortion is right, whether or not a fetus is a person, and whether or not Roe vs. Wade should be overturned. And I have to say, I am so frustrated by men and women alike who argue for abortion based soley on a woman's right to choose. And isn't that what all pro-abortion arguments come down to? Choose to live free of health concerns, financial concerns, and lifestyle infringement concerns that come about when a woman is deciding, "should I have an abortion?"

The most recent editorial in the campus paper that has inspired me to voice my frustrations come from a girl who is obviously very passionate about women's rights. I don't fault her for this, but I do have a problem with the reasons she claims gives a woman to choose whether or not to keep her baby. She gives argument for choosing abortion with the following statements:

1. "It is more unsettling when they [the author of the column she is responding to] imply that the decision to terminate a pregnancy is arrived at lightly and just to escape responsibility."

First of all, I must state clearly that I believe that many women who seek to have abortions are evading the responsibility of their actions. Women who ask the questions she poses--"Can she afford this baby?; Will she have enough time to devote to it?; Will she have the support of her husband, boyfriend, or family?"--are, I believe avoiding the responsibiity it takes to care for another human being. I don't deny that it's a huge sacrifice. I spent enough time taking care of my baby brother rather than hanging out with friends when I was younger to know that. I know potty training is disgusting. I know it's difficult to keep an eye on a child every moment in order to ensure his safety, and I know what happens when you fail to do that and suffer the heartache of seeing the child hurt because you weren't there to protect him. It's hard. But abortion is not the answer. Adoption is a viable option, and I would say, it would be wise to ask yourself why you don't want to carry the child to term and then give it up for adoption. Is it because you don't want to mess up your figure or face the reality that this is, in fact, a human being growing inside of you? As an argument against adoption, this girl claims that it is a hard decision to make, whether or not you want your child to be cared for by another person. Maybe so, but if you care enough about your baby to not want another woman to be its mother, how does that justify killing it instead? The logic simply does not line up, and frankly it's selfish.

another statement she makes:

2. "Halverson's column...also sounded generally disapproving of women having intercourse for anything other than procreative purposes, which leads me to wonder about his real motivation for opposing birth control, Plan B, and abortion."

I don't deny that there are people out there who are blatantly anti-sex for any purpose save procreation. Halverson may in fact be one of them. But this is a ridiculous argument for supporting abortion. So I'm going to leave behind all qualms I have about talking about this straight out and be frank: Sex is meant to be pleasurable, and more importantly it is meant to be the culmination of the ultimate covenant between a man and a woman. It is GOOD because God created it, no, I'll go even further, it is PERFECT the way He created it. Did you know that God commands our joy and that includes sex within the boundaries He set up? In creating sex for our pleasure and His glory, He also lovingly created boundaries for the greatest enjoyment of this act. And did it ever occur to you that having sex outside these boundaries actually LESSENS our joy? Think about it--every time you have sex with someone, you give them a piece of yourself, and even if they receive it with care, there's not that trust or security that is more present within a marriage. And everytime you break up with that person, that piece is destroyed. And when you think about it, these boundaries also cover all the consequences (by which I simply mean plausible outcomes) of sex. We are to have sex with only one person in our lifetime, and it is to be between a man and a woman only within the bounds of marriage, a secure relationship where two people have in fact become one, this union being the foundation of family. How does marriage answer the questions considered by pregnant women who are thinking about abortion?
The author of the article asks:
A. Can she afford this baby once it is born? Well, when husband and wife work together, one or both of these jobs contribute to the financial responsibilities. Now, it is my opinion that it is ultimately the husband's responsibility to provide for his family, but I understand not everyone shares that opinion. I, myself, grew up in a household where my mother was the main bread-winner. But, case in point, if there are two people supporting one another in having a child, we can see that there are more resources for greater financial support.
B. Will she have enough time to devote to it? again, with both father and mother present, YES, of course. Not to say it won't be hard or that there isn't great sacrifice involved, but the burden is lightened when shared between two people.
C. Will she have the support of her husband, boyfriend, or family? Now, I have to admit that I don't really have an answer to this objection. If one or both parties in the marriage are not ready for a child, though, I would think that they both would be mature enough (since we assume they were mature enough to enter into a marriage in the first place) to use preventative measures. Here again, there is still responsibility in having sex even within marriage. As to birth control, I am very uninformed about it, and I have definitely heard that some forms are essentially chemically induced abortions, so here I feel compelled to say that I am going to learn more in order to be able to take a more informed stance on this issue.

Despite this third argument, I hold that the evidence suggests that two people who are committed and responsible enough to marry and therefore be in covenant with one another to take care of the other in all circumstances are certainly better equipped to handle a child. I would definitely argue that women were not meant to raise children on their own. And I would add that, in light of all the considerations one must take into account when having a baby, having sex outside of marriage simply because you want to feel good is not only irresponsible but also unloving! It is unloving not to consider any possible children which may result from having sex, and it is unloving to abort said child just because you don't think you can handle the responsibility, even if you come to that decision after a lot of careful deliberation.

So I think I've sounded a little harsh. But I should say, and this is my last comment on this issue, that I do not feel uncompassionate towards women who are single and pregnant and are considering or have already had an abortion, and I do not judge them. It's a hard issue. I don't know what I would do in that same situation. But the thing that keeps me from backing down from my anti-abortion position is my belief in a loving and sovereign God. I believe He alone has the authority to choose whether a not a child should come into this world, because I don't think that a pregnancy is merely the result of two people having sex. I think God is completely in control of whether or not a woman gets pregnant. Having a baby is a huge issue, but it's an issue in which He calls us, as women, to trust Him completely and follow His leading, not to simply go our own way. Because there is a way that seems right to us, but it is a way that leads to death (literally and figuratively). It's no different from any other aspect of life. He values every life, born or unborn. Why should we take the place of God in deciding who should live or who should die based on our convenience? And what gives us the idea that we possess that right? Our bodies are not our own, but are temples of the Living God. There is mercy for women who have made the wrong choice. There is forgiveness and compassion and love. And there is help for those who are at the point of making the decision.

http://www.myspace.com/jeffmathena

So, you ought go to this site and listen to this kid. I knew him from high school and I haven't talked to him since a random run-in at 7:22 my freshman year of college. I listened, and I couldn't believe how stinkin' good he is. It's amazing where people end up after high school. Not that we've arrived anywhere yet.


Psalm 143.

useless knowledge

"I beg you / do something / learn a dance step / something to justify your existence / something that gives you the right / to be dressed in your skin in your body hair / learn to walk and to laugh / because it would be too senseless / after all / for so many to have died / while you live / doing nothing with your life." - Charlotte Delbo (Auschwitz survivor)

Charlotte Delbo speaks very much of what she calls "useless knowledge" - that is, knowledge about things, in her case her experiences in Auschwitz, that destroy hope and make your life irrelevant to the world. Her writings shed a lot of light on our everyday proceedings, worries, and interactions, and for me, specifically, I am convicted by what she says. What good is my life if I waste it on myself? What good am I if I do not battle for the poor, the fatherless, the widows, the oppressed (not just the physically or politically oppressed, but the spiritually oppressed as well)? Is this not a charge, a command from God? And it's not just old testament, it's in James and 1 Peter to name a couple.

what am I living for? that question is essential. it brings us back to the Cross. It challenges us to look beyond everyday annoyances. Why? First and foremost, because of what Jesus did. Second, because most of the people groups in the 1040 window (that is, the groups of the most unreached peoples in the world) are POOR. They are destitute. As the entire universe wrapped up in Jesus Christ has been freely given to me with all its resources, so should I freely give. May it NEVER be that I hoard my blessings, even from those whom I, at first glance, would not judge worthy of them. Because my heart is judgmental, selfish, I don't naturally WANT to spend the time it takes to care for another person. In Christ alone do I have any capability to forsake the sinfulness of my heart in order to meet the needs of others for the glory of God. Not that I think (authentic) Christians are the only ones who defend the cause of the oppressed. Unfortunately I think that too often we aren't doing our job in that area. But I think, too, that it is essential to meet not only temporal needs, but eternal ones, because that is what God desires.

Isaiah 58 comes to mind...if God will work that out in my life, and let me be part of spreading a passion for this kind of living for the end goal of getting to God in Jesus Christ, then I think I could say confidently that by His grace I've not wasted my life. I am speaking out of a week's worth of serious conviction and total dependence, because I don't think I can live up to this unless He's with me, fighting for me, loving me, and calling me to Himself. When I think about this, knowing this is how God wants us to live our lives, I don't understand how Christianity can seem boring. I mean, come on, this is adventure! It's exciting! Not sacrifice, but joy! And so I end with a resounding YESSSSSSSS!!!!

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field." Matthew 13:44

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith-- that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death..." Philippians 3:7-10

all too soon, things pass

Well, it's 1 AM and I'm tired, but I have to write. This past weekend, as I wrote before I was a little worried about how it would turn out, like my expectations were going to exceed the experience, but in fact the opposite happened. I don't think I could love a group of people more, and what joy to celebrate with them at the wedding! Yeah, it was just a sweet time of encouragement.

THEN, as if that wasn't enough, I got to go to the David Crowder/Shane & Shane concert. It was so great, although I have to say it, even, was a step down from the weekend. Maybe half a step, because of the people I went with and then the other people I went to Perkins with afterward. New thought (though, perhaps, not so new): I love people, wait, better yet, 1 Peter 1:22: Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth, so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from a [pure] heart." Yeah, that says it better. Life is moving at an incredible pace, lately. I'm ok with that, but I also long to savor the moments. Like when Crowder and the Shanes and Robbie Seay all came out to end the concert with the bluegrass section, or dancing with everyone at the reception, or talking with the girls until 2:30 on Friday night even though we were all dead tired, or our really fun conversation at Perkins tonight...where do these moments go, and why do they go so fast? Which leads to another question: what will eternity, a place without end, a place with no boundaries between me and God be like? It's too crazy to think about!
Life moves too fast, and yet too slow:

what joy is this I find in You?
what life did you invite me to?
this all-surpassing joy I find,
it comes from You, abides in You
Your call makes life alive
and I can't sleep another moment
waiting in anticipation
anxious for the culmination
HOW MUCH LONGER LORD?
HOW MUCH LONGER?
When will I see you face to face,
nothing in between...
bring me to this place
and thank you for the taste you give
in moments like these
it's satisfies, intensifies my longings.
...just let me see You, Jesus, let me see your face

I feel a little bit exposed. some friends and I actually talked about our blogs tonight. it's weird, isn't it? it doesn't seem like people actually read this until they say something about it and then you're just like...wow, people read this. Crazy. It almost makes me want to censor what I write, but I won't.

So tomorrow I see my EA team again for the first time since China. I cannot stinkin' wait! How crazy is it to see these 15 amazing people again. I wonder how it will be different. Will I be disappointed? Maybe, simply because I've built it up so much. But then, maybe not. They are some sweet brothers and sisters. The question now is, why am I still awake?

Another thing: it's funny how sad things can be when a routine gets messed up. I never really thought I was much of a routine kind of person. anyway, I'm done thinking tonight. I just can't anymore. If I do, I'll think too much.

Two Things

1) Praise God and our Lord Jesus Christ for my beautiful believing roommates

2) Go through, go through the gates; prepare the way for the people; build up, build up the highway; clear it of stones; lift up a signal over the peoples; 11Behold, the LORD has proclaimed to the end of the earth: Say to the daughter of Zion,"Behold, your salvation comes; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him." 12And they shall be called The Holy People, The Redeemed of the LORD; and you shall be called Sought Out, A City Not Forsaken. from Isaiah 62

My Favorites

So, as I was walking the five blocks home from my bus stop today, I realized that one of my favorite things to do is look at the sky. Especially on days like this. Have you ever noticed how the sky doesn't actually look real, it looks more like a painting? It implicitly points to something greater...at least, to me.

I not only love the sky on clear days during the daytime (or on stormy days, for that matter...storms are amazing! Have you ever been out in the middle of nowhere watching a storm? Or out on the beach? Wow, is it incredible.) Anyway, I also LOVE looking at the stars. But, the bad thing about the Cities is that you can't see many. And really, I've only seen stars in the way I love to see them once, when my family went to Yosemite National Park. Nighttime came, and I could not believe how incredibly beautiful the sky was. Now, when I think about it (because at the time I was not following Jesus, so I didn't think this at the time), I can't believe that my beautiful God did all of that! So, needless to say, I would LOVE to go back to Yosemite, or any national park, really but especially Yosemite, someday and see it again, for the first time. That would be in my top five dream vacations-camping at Yosemite.

Other Observations of Late:

So I had a short conversation with a friend yesterday, and one of the things I love about our conversations is that we talk about scripture and theology and apologetics AND this person chanllenges me! So they're becoming one of my favorite people to talk to because our friendship I think embodies the kind of friendship described in Hebrews 10:24-25 - "And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

I think the reason why I love conversations like this so much is because they are just so rich, so full of the things that really matter, and they are weighty and hard to think about sometimes, yes, but how sweet it is to think on the things of God, the glory of Christ, and be filled by the Holy Spirit through talks like this. I love it in a gushy, excited, overflowing kind of way. I can't help it. :) Praise God for His work in the life of this friend, and honestly, in the lives of my other friends too. His work has just been so apparent to me in each of their lives. It's such a blessing to see this. Anyway...I bet everybody who reads this is wondering who this friend is. Well, I won't tell. Far be it from me to single anyone out so publicly. It might embarrass them...

Captivating

battered, beaten, bruised I came to You
hardly breathing, barely able,
hiding
it hurt so much to finally say what was going on with me
I was so afraid...
and You offered life
I was wasting away, but You gave me hope

No I am not yet what I long to be,
but I am underway
restoration has begun.

this morning I was given probably the best compliment I could ever get. I was having coffee with a new friend and we were talking about God and I paused and said that He is the most important thing to me. And she said, "you know, before I ever really talked to you, I knew that."

Can you believe that? I thought I was going to burst with happiness!! What a thing to have said to you! I'm in love, and it's obvious.

I just find myself praising Him for the rest I have in Him:

"They looked to Him and were radiant." (Psalm 34:5 NKJV)

I was listening to this song, Stars by David Crowder, and these lyrics just stuck out to me again:

I've got nothin' on my own to give to You
but this Light that shines on me, shines on You
and makes everything beautiful again

And then I had another thought, in thinking about my dad and the ex-boyfriend and just my longing to be pursued, and how, a couple of summers ago I was looking for a passage where God is pursuing me, and He showed me, it's there--He has a passionate longing for me like I have for Him! Isaiah 62:

1For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
and for Jerusalem's sake I will not be quiet,
until her righteousness goes forth as brightness,
and her salvation as a burning torch...
4You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
and your land shall no more be termed Desolate,
but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,
and your land Married;[d]
for the LORD delights in you,
and your land shall be married.
5For as a young man marries a young woman,
so shall your sons marry you,
and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
so shall your God rejoice over you.


I am so taken with this passage. I keep coming back to it. I might not get what my heart longs for (specifically a husband), but I will always have my deepest longing, Him my Husband. He knew it, He speaks into the very thing I long for. And it frees me to love! It gives me the passion and energy to run the race, and I don't have to be ashamed.

an answer to the questions

Well, as I sit here, it is 2:30 in the morning, can't sleep because I drank too much diet coke, and there's maybe just too much going on in my head.

So, briefly: I went to my endocrinologist today (that's a doctor who specializes in the endocrine system, of which diabetes is in the realm), and it was my first time. I signed up to see a woman, but I was first interviewed by, basically, an intern type doctor (not a resident, I think he was a full doctor, but still a man) and so I got to be asked all the embarrassing questions by him. It's ok, I got through the awkward moment, but there was one question which I have always of late been asked which always turns out some kind of funny. That is, 'do you drink alcohol?' Of course, I say no, and he says 'really?' Of course he doesn't believe me at first. But then I had to say, 'oh wait, I have had some alcohol, but after a few sips I was thoroughly disgusted, so I drank diet coke. diet coke is my alcohol.' That's what I said. And he kind of laughed...and there you go. Maybe it wasn't so funny as it was awkward and very likely suprising to him. Anyway, so there's my story, on to more profound thinking.

The questions I asked myself came together in an answer this afternoon. Of course, the answer to all those questions could be summed up like this: "Christ is most precious, most valuable, most beautiful to me...and by His grace, that will NEVER change no matter what happens in life...Christ is ALL." There was, however, another answer, which I think was God's way of telling me, hey, I know you're messy, I love you anyway, come back to Me. And it was, of course, from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Good book...I admit, there are a couple of times where it gets so cheesy that I cringe, but most of it I read and wonder if they were stalking me before they wrote this book because that's how much it describes my longings, my heart, my life. It's a long part, so I won't write it, but, wow...it was just good. Nourishing. It made me feel not crazy that I'm so passionate and, well, fierce in my devotion, above all to Christ Jesus but to other things as well. Like my family, my friends, my convictions. Ok, all those things center around God anyway. But sometimes that scares me, because I don't want to be swept away in my emotions, I want to hold to the Truth. But I believe God gave us a heart, a tender and fierce heart (and I'm speaking specifically about women now, I don't really understand men's hearts too well), He gave us a heart to LOVE others and with the desire to BE LOVED by Him first of all, but also by one 'him'. This is basically from Captivating, and the book talks a lot about relationships which is why it's been on my mind so much lately.

I feel ready for anything, and not so much like an idiot as before.

I also saw the movie Crash tonight. It was intense...eye opening. and heartbreaking. I know it's just a movie, but it was a movie that was meant to say something about who we are, just as people. It talks mainly about racism...not just the traditional white people against everyone, but everyone against everyone. And it hurt to watch it. It made me think about who I hang out with, why I hang out with them, why I'm scared to walk alone at night, and while granted, walking alone at night as a girl IS dangerous, still...I don't know. God is growing my heart for the nations. I was talking to a friend tonight about business (yeah, me talking about business, weird, but it's a true story) and we were talking about how China and India are the next big ones, which I believe, I was in one of those countries this summer and I see it, especially because, personally, I think that they're more hardworking as a whole, but yeah. It is obvious that God is moving there. And I LONG to be part of it. I long to spread a passion to others to be part of it. Which leads me to believe even further that EdgeCorps would be a good decision. And also, I need to know more about what's going on in the world, so I'm thinking of subscribing at least to a newspaper or something. We don't have cable, so none of the all the time news stations are a possibility. I don't know. I'm getting random here.

For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. 8If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. Romans 14

questions I have to ask myself today

there are questions I have to ask myself today:

1) is Jesus enough?
2) can I let go?
3) will I let God be my Isaiah 62?
4) will I live passionately, singly for His glory, no matter whether I live for 60 more years or die tomorrow, whether I am single for the rest of my life or whether I get married, whether I go on staff with Navs or work in an office...

I could go on. In the face of disappointment, brokenness, hurt, joy, blessing, hardships, persecution, trials, abundance, desolation...will I open my heart and ask God to be the One who keeps me breathing?

He's calling me to more! What is this? I don't get, I can't explain this. What is it that's been happening in my heart the past couple of months? What is this transformation?

He hems me in so that I might WAIT for Him, because He is better than a husband, better than an earthly dad, better than being super skinny and beautiful, better than always getting good grades, better than a nice house, better than always getting what I want

He is better. What is this joy?

so sometimes I feel like an idiot...today would be one of those days.

1O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
2So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
3Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
4So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.


5My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
6when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
7for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
8My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
Psalm 63:1-8

Maybe because it's 4 in the morning and I'm writing a paper and I'm tired and all that, maybe that's why now, at this very moment, I feel so deeply this passage. my soul faints for You, O God, my soul clings to You.

My first instinct is to reject that, but in thinking more, I embrace that. I am not a morning person, or an all-nighter person anymore, and so I am at the end of myself as I write this. I was so frustrated earlier, I was almost frantic because I had such a strong inclination against all productivity, but praise God for His mercy in ordaining that a friend would call and through her He would set me straight again. He used this fellowship for His glory, He calmed my untrusting, panic-ridden heart and whispered once again to let Him love me. For the past couple of weeks I have really been experiencing that love, and so my heart resonates with David's as he declares that the Lord our God's love is better than life. And here I am, still in my sinful self which admittedly does NOT always say that, but by His grace I can say it now and that satisfies me to the very depths but at the same time awakens such a longing, because I know that there is so much more of Him to know and experience and understand and love.

So let my passion be single, let it always grow more single for You God, let me continue to run with abandonment, there is so much freedom here! Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer, search me and know me to see if there is any way in me that is offensive to You and rid me of it for Your namesake.

"You find me. When I'm hiding behind all my disguises you see me, it takes You to keep me breathing, You are heart, passion, vision..."

So I was going through my journal, and I found these from this summer, and I wrote them kind of as prayers. but yeah...I'm just going to say, God has been faithful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I want to walk forever
And let the hurt I know
just melt away
escape the heaviness that comes with this
feeling,
maybe, maybe today
I'll fly free from all the circumstances
Or maybe tomorrow it'll happen

Sooner or later, tomorrow or today
Just let it be today, let it be today

O God, why can't I find you?
Why do I run away
I know you want to heal this hurting
If only I could stay kneeling
At your feet, at the cross
If only I could stay resting
In your arms
Maybe today, maybe today
Maybe tomorrow it'll happen
Sooner or later, tomorrow or today

Just let it be today, let it be today

(written 08/17)


all my doubt is in vain
when You peel away
at all the layers I use
to hide who I really am
from You
(who am I kidding, I can't hide)
and I'm surprised to find
You still love me, You still love me,
You still love me
I was never enough, but You still covered me
You still cover me

even though I see the mess
I won't begin to understand
how great is Your salvation
the length of Your salvation
the heights of Your salvation-
with all the sin still hiding there,
Your blood covers me.

(written 8/16)

musings

the best days are the days when you run into friends you haven't seen for awhile, when someone calls you just to talk and see how you're doing, and when you realize that there is a place where your heart is leading you...

So, I was talking to my friend Kat(i)e today (I ran into her on my way to work) and I told her how I feel my heart going towards EdgeCorps. It was exciting to tell her this, and to realize that God is answering my prayer to show me the next step. I hadn't really thought about EdgeCorps seriously before. I wanted to go straight into overseas missions. But God knew better, and I am finding that I really don't have to try to love investing in women, it's a fruit of the Spirit that God is producing by increasing my love for, trust in, and overall relationship with Him! It's about Jesus first! That's what makes me love my relationships with these girls God has put in my life.

One really exciting aspect of this is that this knowledge has been in my head for quite some time, but now it's pouring into my heart. I've seen a lot how a lot of this knowledge has been present in my intellect for a while before I REALLY get it. It simmers there for sometimes a long time, and I wonder what the purpose of letting it sit there for so long is. Wait, here's a thought: maybe now, when I am almost always at the end of myself and running in desperation for God so that I feel how only He can fulfill my longings, maybe that's what God has been doing in order to prepare me for the works He had already prepared in advance for me to do. He needed to break me down and remove the walls I've built up all my life around my heart. I was ok with needing Him, but only on my terms.

I talk as if this is something I've accomplished fully...but it isn't. I am afraid of the times in the future when I know I will have to relearn this lesson and learn for the first time a million new ones. I like being in this place: dependent, needy, reliant on God alone, falling madly in love with Him as my Creator, Sustainer, Father, Savior. This is the fruit of waiting on Him. This is Psalm 37:4!! HE is my desire, my delight. Where did this come from? How did I go from pursuing everything the world sought to entice me with to running hard after the Savior? There's no explanation for it, other than that I have BEEN MADE NEW BY THE HOLY SPIRIT!

This is a redeemed end to the abandonment of my dad, the rejection of old friends, and failing Greek! Let it keep going. That's what I want, if it means more of Jesus, then that's what I want. Let all of my worldly pursuits fail me and crush me if that means seeing more of Him. It's not that I like suffering, it's just that I love God so much. "For to me, to live is Christ, to die is gain."

today I felt with new depth the eternity that has been set on my heart.

I think, based on a comment made last night, that a deeper passion is not necessarily a louder one, that sometimes a quieter passion hold more sway.

I am so completely in love with my Jesus. I can't explain it any other way. It might sound weird, but what else could this depth of feeling be? He is the end to every desire.

There was a survivor of the Holocaust who came in and spoke to our class today. She was in Auschwitz for 6 months, and then Bergen-Belsen for 6 weeks. Both her parents, her brother, and her husband survived with her. What struck me was that she kept saying it was by pure luck that she survived. She couldn't explain it...but as I listened to her, I saw the guidance of God in it. Especially as she described the death march from Auschwitz to Bergen-Belsen, and then compared it to a charity walk she did some years later- a 20 mile endeavor. She said after the charity walk, her feet hurt so bad, and she was so tired, even with the breaks and the water and juice and the most comfortable shoes she had to wear, and a hot bath to soak her feet in afterward. And then she said, as she was soaking in her bath, all she could think was how did she ever survive the walk from Auschwitz to Bergen, when then she had none of the comforts present at the charity walk. She couldn't explain it. She was SO CLOSE to seeing! And then she said, it must have been the pure instinct of survival. I wanted to weep. She did not see...and that moment of "how could I have survived" was a moment when I know God must have been speaking to her. But she did not see.

I feel such a burden for the lost. A heavy weight. And I want them to know the joy that is found only in Christ.