thoughts on Grace

so, it's been a hard week. or month. or maybe even half a year. And don't misinterpret that statement, because hard doesn't always mean bad. It's more of an intermingling of pain with the sweetest joy which is, ultimately, good. Does that makes sense to you? If not, I say this because I believe that joy-that is the greatest possible joy on this earth-does not depend on circumstances but rather on one Person. You guessed it: Jesus.

So again, it's been a hard...six months. And today I realized why it has recently been hard and not so good. Because I am trying to be an achiever. I don't want to need anything. I don't want to burden anyone, because they have their own problems. I try and try and try to be good FOR God, and instead I am met with silence. Today, He showed me why. My achieving spirit makes me realize how NOT good enough I am for Him, and so I push Him away, trying to be better, trying for myself to get closer, asking "what can I do, what can I do?" This question isn't always bad, but it is in this case, because I'm asking out of a heart of defiant independence. But that's not what God wants. He wants a contrite heart - that is, a heart that needs and knows it needs and that the need can only be met by Him. That's why He came to save us while we were still sinners. Because we need Him.

That's what grace means. It means rest in Him. It means trust in Him. And it means great joy and celebration with Him. Jesus came so we wouldn't have to strive anymore and that glorifies Him and gives us peace and relief and freedom to enjoy God.

come awake

it's funny to me how quickly life changes and how short the seasons really are. Like college. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was a freshman? Now I'm a senior about to graduate...hopefully. Ha. My life has done a 180 since graduating high school, and I have to wonder where it'll be four years from now. Maybe five is a better measure, though, since after this there will be no more school. Maybe.

I have to say, I hope things change as much or more in the next five years that they have in the past four. I hope I grow even more than I did in the past four years. But school coming to an end is scary. I have to admit, I am more than excited to be done with tests and homework. But I will be very sorry to leave college life. I've LOVED it. It's been so hard, but it's been so worth it. And that has more to do with Jesus and people than it does to do with all my book-learnin'. :) God has been FAITHFUL. So that being said, two things have changed since I last wrote:

1) I am not going to Montpellier, France in May, even though I'd still like to someday. (that rhyme was not intentional)
2) I am officially applying for EdgeCorps and waiting on the Lord for His will in this.


I've been thinking about John 10:10 (The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but I come that you may have life and have it to the full), and my only thought is that it is SO TRUE. I am experiencing both sides of that verse and it's so hard. I've been fighting against unbelief and blindness. Do you ever pray and feel like you're talking to a wall? I have and was and it was awful, but He's faithful-He was so good to me today. And I think, too, that some family things are coming to the surface...I think I have to deal with it. If I don't, I will fall away. So then, here comes the inevitable: I will deal. Because I can't fall away. Where else can I go? I literally will become nothing if I abandon Christ. Not that it's up to me anyway, thankfully. Because if it was, I would surely have abandoned everything by now. But no, God is sovereign, God alone has victory and power and strength to overcome the Enemy. But to live this- it's hard.

Fun Tuesday

While at work, I was listening to our (male) receptionist and the FedEx guy talk. Now, neither of these guys really seem like they play a whole lot of sports, but they sure talked a lot about it. They were going through all the players of some football team (probably the Vikings, this is Minnesota after all, but who really knows), and they were basically giving each other a rundown of all the strengths and weaknesses of the players individually and how these things reflected on the team. And it dawned on me, as I remembered my first and very fun Gopher basketball experience, that it isn't necessary for men to have played a particular sport, they just have to know enough about it to be able to talk to each other in an in-depth, 5 minute minimum conversation in order to be able to relate to one another. I don't know, for some reason that's interesting to me.

But yeah, I went to my first Golden-Gopher basketball game, and I had a ton of fun. I wasn't going to go, and on my way there I actually thought about backing out, because honestly, I hate watching basketball on TV. But it's a different experience live. Plus, it was the Gopher-Badger game, and it was an amazing game. It was so close...but we lost. Which was not so good, but it was still fun cheering and hanging out with people and stuff. Actually, I was with four other people, one good friend, two people I barely knew, and an old roommate who joined us later. I ended up sitting with the two people I barely knew, but that was sweet. It's really hard to hold a conversation at games though...and I'm a conversation person. Which makes sense, because I'm a girl and girls generally like to talk more than guys, at least for the most part.

Even more fun was going back to one of the guys dorms after the game and hanging out and playing a little guitar. That's right, I bought a guitar yesterday-ladies and gentlemen, I am officially a musician. Anyway, so by a little, I mean I learned like, two chords (actually three, but I can only remember two right now), and then watched my friend who helped me pick out my guitar play. I can't wait to be able to really play. I've been wanting to learn to play guitar for so long! Yeah...yesterday was a really fun day.