ok, so sometimes I hate change

do you ever have these friendships that rock so much for lots of time, and then something changes, whether between the two of you or at the encouragement of some outsider, or even due to some unknown random catalyst?

Yeah I don't like that. I know there are seasons for friendships, and that friendships basically always have to change, because otherwise it will get stale, but sometimes I don't think the change is for the better. Sometimes the change makes things unhappy and confusing, where you feel just like your dog died or something.

So I think I'm mourning that change right now. Usually when I do this, I run away, but in this instance, it's not all that possible. I mean, if I really tried, I could, but that would mean sacrificing a lot of other important things that I'm not willing to sacrifice. So the solution? Grin and bear it. And trust that my Jesus, who withholds no good thing from me, has the best in mind and is going to take care of it. If not on the outside, at least within my own heart.

And that brings to mind another thing: I miss Him. Do you ever get that? David did - "In your presence there is fullness of joy." I'm in his presence, I know, but I want it all. I don't want the mirror. But waiting makes things sweeter. I know it does. And it changes my heart, which is probably what I really need right now. I need more of Him and less of me.

Response

So, you know how things have been kinda crazy in a not so hot kind of way? Yeah, God is FAITHFUL. 1 Thess 5:21-24. Or Something.

The week has been full of self-discovery revealed by my favorite Jesus. He showed me my pride. Oooooooh, my pride, YUCK. And He's opening my heart to learn (again, for the first time) what it really means to live by grace. This is an awesome thing. Because with grace, your sin drives you to the Cross to be made clean and whole, not away from God. Grace is only possible to live by when you're humble. Not that I don't need work still on this, but that's why I'm learning. I like to learn from God, because it's like drinking the purest and most refreshing water you could ever imagine. And I can't ever get enough of it or too much of it...like you know when you drink too much water too fast and you can feel the water sloshing around in your stomach? Yeah, God's not like that.

I went to a Campus Outreach meeting tonight at church, and was refreshed. I had forgotten how much I love the teaching there. And the worship. And the theology. and the people. And wow, it had grown SO MUCH since even last semester. God is doing amazing things in that ministry. I hope He continues to bless it, because I am ALL FOR what they're about. They're about Jesus and people knowing Jesus better every day and loving Him with their MINDS AND THEIR HEARTS. They're about His glory. They're not perfect, but they are seeking after Him and God is giving Himself to them. Being there makes it hard not to want to get right in the middle of what they're doing. Thinking about that makes me think about how I struggled last year with leaving Navs and joining CO, and then I knew God wanted me with Navs. But is that still where He wants me? Or maybe He wants me with Navs on another campus. Or maybe He wants something entirely different and I'm just refusing to listen. I'm not sure about any of this, but I am sure of one thing. In ministry, I want to be about first pursuing God passionately with my own heart and mind, and second about pursuing others passionately for Him so that their hearts will connect with Him and they will begin to pursue Him passionately with their whole hearts and minds. HEARTS AND MINDS. For their JOY, and HIS GLORY.

Can you even believe what and Who we are made for? How big is our God and how small are we? Why on EARTH did He even think to create us? BECAUSE (I heard this illustration tonight) He and His Son and His Spirit - the Trinity - are by nature so full and whole and complete that they overflow like a fountain. So it's like He is by nature a Creator because there is so much of Him. Can you even fathom the billions of stars that are in our own galaxy? Let alone the billions upon billions upon billions in the billions upon billions of galaxies there are? And this God NAMED THOSE STARS, EACH ONE?? He MADE ME? I can't even begin to understand infinity, and I can't even begin to understand my God. But He's MY GOD! He gave himself to me?! Lord, WHAT CAN I DO TO SPREAD YOUR FAME ON MY CAMPUS? What can I do to show everyone I meet JUST HOW GREAT YOU ARE?

He is worthy of worship. Not just for what I just said, but for His mercy on me because I don't praise Him or worship Him like I ought. I can't wait for no more sin so I can worship and love and enjoy my Jesus better. I feel so free right now I could fly. How PRECIOUS is the Cross. How CENTRAL! How TRUE! How RIGHT! How GOOD and PERFECT and MARVELOUS!

Whew, I'm tired. Yay for good tiredness, that's all I have to say. And Praise God for making me able to see and savor and worship Him tonight, and let it always be like this and let it always be MORE like this than it was the day before.