Ruminations post-grad

stigma

2006-07-14T00:21:00.000-05:00

So, I'm going to be on ministry staff this fall. I always looked up to ministry staffers without really realizing it. I mean, they were COOL. Maybe not the ones you knew, but the ones I knew. And they seemed so wise and together and had this uncanny ability to care about a lot of people. And now I'm going to be one of them. So, aren't I supposed to be perfect like them, too?

No. They were people too. I am a person, with flaws and wrong thinking and mess-ups and weird, sometimes crazy emotions. They were like that too, I just didn't see it. So I'd get disappointed, because I'd forget they were PEOPLE. I don't mean to be cliche, but Christians are not perfect, they're forgiven, and I tell you, there's a reason that's cliche: because it's so TRUE it's annoying. ok, only maybe annoying. But definitely true. But I know why they and lots of other people try to act perfect sometimes: because it's scary being real!! There's so much risk: REJECTION, ridicule, alienation, being thought a freak, being thought a BURDEN, getting your heart into trouble, etc, etc, etc. I hold back a lot because of many of these reasons, albeit not always all at once.

And you know where those fears come from? Fearing man more than God. Because God created me. He made me with a BIG personality - lots of passion that is usually expressed in relationships, and that can and has get/gotten me into trouble a time or million. But God made me that way, and set me free in Christ so I could be that way for Him. Because He not only can handle my intensity, but delights in it when it's put into the right thing (i.e. Jesus, His glory, LOVING Him). That's not to say that there aren't good and appropriate times to hold back, but I love and long for the freedom that is mine in Christ, where I really can "throw off the sin that so easily entangles" me and run the race, looking toward the finish line with Him as my only goal. Do you ever notice how passionate the Bible is? That's why I love it. I remember in Sunday School class in 5th grade thinking the Bible was so boring. It's because I didn't know HIM yet. Have you ever noticed how knowing about the author brings a whole new dimension to a story? And knowing Him personally...it blows me away.

Note: my own personal cliche - I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now.

2006-06-12T22:55:00.000-05:00

If I ever have anything intelligent to say on here ever again, I will be surprised. And I'm not sure that anything I ever said was in fact intelligent. But now, my conclusion comes from the fact that I am plum tuckered out (yes, that's southern-speak).

Randomness of the day: there was a guy who plays MN football in my Latin American class today, and he is from Atlanta...he went to Lassiter High School, and I know lots of people who went there. It's in the same town as 'my' high school - Pope. Even though I went to Pebblebrook. It's complicated.

Also, I am now taking my first summer classes ever. I don't think it will be that bad. But add work and fundraising to that, and I think we've got a fast-paced, I'm-going-to-need-time-off-when-this-is-over summer. We'll see how this goes. God promised He would be there. So I'm going to believe it. It's funny how at peace I feel about this now, when before I was so not sure about it at all.

So, let's talk about trust. There are, I think, two kinds that play out in life: the first starts in your head and heart. It's more of an idea, kind of like "yeah, I could trust this or that," and the second is practical trust - the kind that plays out in your life. It comes from the first kind of trust. So I would say that the first can exist without the second, but the second cannot exist without the first. I had the first kind of trust for a long time. Mostly because I didn't take any risks. I had the IDEA that God was trustworthy and faithful. And it played out well - I saw it a lot. But it was a passive seeing. I wasn't experiencing it to the fullest extent. And I'm thinking that this is why the EDGE decision was so difficult. I'm good at trusting God for things that don't require much on my part - no risk taking or possibilities of being hurt or anything. I'm not good at trusting Him with the things that really cost me something. And I'm pretty much getting the feeling from some time I had with Him that it's only going to get harder - but also that He'll be right there with me, not rejecting me, not casting me off. But I still find it to be difficult. But what is faith, if I don't let Him work. I prayed for deeper intimacy with Him. I prayed that I would be broken so I would not try to do life apart from Him. I prayed that I would matter for His name and renown on the MN campus. Did I think that would be easy? Did I know what I was praying myself into? Do I know, even now? I don't think so.

But I know that I'm at least feeling emotion now. I recognize more often the times when I turn to idols. I've heard His promise that He will answer when I call, and He will cause me to defile the idols and altars I've set up. I'm working out of a broken, bleeding, hurting faith. I have nothing to give, even though I still try to make it look like I do. I look at myself, wondering how God can work with a mess like me, and why He even wants to. And then I find myself wanting only to lay facedown at the foot of the Cross. I don't want to be anywhere else, ever. Where else can I go? Who else can heal me from my sinfulness and my hurt and my emptiness?

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered [and will suffer] the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith-- that I may know him...

Those verses are going to mean a lot to me in the coming months.

Inevitabilities

2006-04-11T21:46:00.000-05:00

Inevitability #1: writing a blog entry when I'm writing a paper the night before it's due.

Inevitability #2: writing a paper the night before it's due, no matter how good my intentions may be to get it done earlier.

Inevitability #3: things always change.

I received a phone call today that rocked my boat a little bit about the future. It staggered me at first, as I realized that the first of my expectations I held for it was shattered (though this shattering was not necessarily devastating, just disappointing). But it was good to realize that despite this new information I still desire to do what I think God is calling me to do.

On Friday, too, I realized the inevitability of change, and today's events confirmed this realization, but in a different way. Letting go is a must, trust is mandatory, and loving boldly is more necessary now than ever. But what does that look like? It should look patient, kind, not envious, not jealous or rude or boastful, but bearing all things, enduring all things and hoping all things. It should be wonderfully and beautifully biblical. But as the situation seems to endlessly go opposite of the way I want it to go, I realize again that I need God to love like this, because I don't have the capacity. Am I being painfully vague? Well, I'm doing it on purpose.

As a dear friend and I were talking today about what it means to love, especially those who are hard to love, this C.S. Lewis quote came to mind:

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

This quote meant a lot to me a couple of years ago during a hard time with a guy I was involved with. Having long moved past that circumstance, having been encouraged by it, I now am remembering this quote feeling convicted. People have asked me lately who I'm close to and it's been really hard to come up with anyone. I tell people things, but I don't usually let them see me hurting, and if I do it's on accident, when they're sitting in my dining room unexpectedly. I shut people out from what I'm really feeling, and yet one of the things I long for most deeply is intimacy in my friendships, but even more deeply, with Christ. I'm understanding this thought on love...it's hard. Trully loving people means you will almost always get hurt in some way, whether it's by a person's rejection or failure to come through for you or even the end of a friendship. I have been failed by others and I have failed others numerous times, as I'm sure is the same for you.

But this is where God calls us to seek Him for our deepest needs of being loved and feeling like we matter. The failure of others, the lonliness you often feel when choosing to love someone boldly and biblically ought to call us to embrace the lonliness we feel and seek God there. The joy of finding Christ is what we are meant to find when we seek Him there.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

"The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."
Psalm 16:4-6

All to You

2006-04-02T00:17:00.000-06:00

Today I was obsessed with learning this song:

I can’t wait to get out of here
I can’t fake through this pain I feel
It’s been too long, that I’ve been gone
Now I’m coming back, I’m coming back
So long, it’s gone
This burden that I carry

I’ll give it all to You, to You

I wade out and the waves are bigger
I can’t sort through all this junk so I surrender
I’ve gone on, way too long
Now I’ve had enough, I’ll give it up to you
This storm is great, but You are so much greater

CHORUS

I can’t wait to see you standing there so bright and special
And all the waves that crashed around my head
Fall silent at the whisper of your voice

It's April and I think I'm finally seeing. At least glimpses. God has been faithful, and will continue to be. Which is crazy, because I'm just seeing the grossness of my sin. And I'm hearing about the beauty of Jesus and ever so slowly beginning to believe again that He really has covered my sin, that He desires and delights to do it, and that He had covered EVERYTHING, not just my past and my present sin, but also my future sin. I just don't get how much I need Him, I don't understand the lengths of His salvation. But I know I need a Savior, I need my Savior, my Jesus. And that He wants to do a good work in me. And that He "who calls [me] is faithful; He will DO IT" (1 thess 5:24).

All we like sheep have gone astray, we have - everyone - turned to his own way, and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. (Is 53:6)

All I can say is I want to BE and not DO, I want to LOVE, and I want to MATTER for spreading His glory - I want to be part of it. I don't want to be the same tomorrow as I am even today. I want to be compelled by the love of my Jesus for me. Oh the implications of such desires...

Underneath all this I want to know and feel and experience His love so that everything else pleasurable loses its pleasure if it's not from Him. Because everything is a waste if it's not about the Saving, Redeeming, Breathtaking, Eternal Jesus. Without Him, life is meaningless. Where else can I go?

post-phone call

2006-03-06T21:47:00.000-06:00

she writes and writes but says nothing, seeking more than what she sees, wishing for an open heart to receive and pour and receive and pour, here she sits not seeing what can not be seen with her eyes but hoping and trusting that there is more going on than what seems so hopeless.

HE will answer her.

He is her desire, where there is no desire to feel
He is her faith where faith cannot be found
He is her righteousness where death once reigned- it threatens now, but fails at the power of His sacrifice, it WILL NOT win.
He is her hope, He is her love, He is her refuge, He is her everything, He is her Jesus.

ok, so sometimes I hate change

2006-02-04T12:04:00.000-06:00

do you ever have these friendships that rock so much for lots of time, and then something changes, whether between the two of you or at the encouragement of some outsider, or even due to some unknown random catalyst?

Yeah I don't like that. I know there are seasons for friendships, and that friendships basically always have to change, because otherwise it will get stale, but sometimes I don't think the change is for the better. Sometimes the change makes things unhappy and confusing, where you feel just like your dog died or something.

So I think I'm mourning that change right now. Usually when I do this, I run away, but in this instance, it's not all that possible. I mean, if I really tried, I could, but that would mean sacrificing a lot of other important things that I'm not willing to sacrifice. So the solution? Grin and bear it. And trust that my Jesus, who withholds no good thing from me, has the best in mind and is going to take care of it. If not on the outside, at least within my own heart.

And that brings to mind another thing: I miss Him. Do you ever get that? David did - "In your presence there is fullness of joy." I'm in his presence, I know, but I want it all. I don't want the mirror. But waiting makes things sweeter. I know it does. And it changes my heart, which is probably what I really need right now. I need more of Him and less of me.

Response

2006-02-01T23:08:00.000-06:00

So, you know how things have been kinda crazy in a not so hot kind of way? Yeah, God is FAITHFUL. 1 Thess 5:21-24. Or Something.

The week has been full of self-discovery revealed by my favorite Jesus. He showed me my pride. Oooooooh, my pride, YUCK. And He's opening my heart to learn (again, for the first time) what it really means to live by grace. This is an awesome thing. Because with grace, your sin drives you to the Cross to be made clean and whole, not away from God. Grace is only possible to live by when you're humble. Not that I don't need work still on this, but that's why I'm learning. I like to learn from God, because it's like drinking the purest and most refreshing water you could ever imagine. And I can't ever get enough of it or too much of it...like you know when you drink too much water too fast and you can feel the water sloshing around in your stomach? Yeah, God's not like that.

I went to a Campus Outreach meeting tonight at church, and was refreshed. I had forgotten how much I love the teaching there. And the worship. And the theology. and the people. And wow, it had grown SO MUCH since even last semester. God is doing amazing things in that ministry. I hope He continues to bless it, because I am ALL FOR what they're about. They're about Jesus and people knowing Jesus better every day and loving Him with their MINDS AND THEIR HEARTS. They're about His glory. They're not perfect, but they are seeking after Him and God is giving Himself to them. Being there makes it hard not to want to get right in the middle of what they're doing. Thinking about that makes me think about how I struggled last year with leaving Navs and joining CO, and then I knew God wanted me with Navs. But is that still where He wants me? Or maybe He wants me with Navs on another campus. Or maybe He wants something entirely different and I'm just refusing to listen. I'm not sure about any of this, but I am sure of one thing. In ministry, I want to be about first pursuing God passionately with my own heart and mind, and second about pursuing others passionately for Him so that their hearts will connect with Him and they will begin to pursue Him passionately with their whole hearts and minds. HEARTS AND MINDS. For their JOY, and HIS GLORY.

Can you even believe what and Who we are made for? How big is our God and how small are we? Why on EARTH did He even think to create us? BECAUSE (I heard this illustration tonight) He and His Son and His Spirit - the Trinity - are by nature so full and whole and complete that they overflow like a fountain. So it's like He is by nature a Creator because there is so much of Him. Can you even fathom the billions of stars that are in our own galaxy? Let alone the billions upon billions upon billions in the billions upon billions of galaxies there are? And this God NAMED THOSE STARS, EACH ONE?? He MADE ME? I can't even begin to understand infinity, and I can't even begin to understand my God. But He's MY GOD! He gave himself to me?! Lord, WHAT CAN I DO TO SPREAD YOUR FAME ON MY CAMPUS? What can I do to show everyone I meet JUST HOW GREAT YOU ARE?

He is worthy of worship. Not just for what I just said, but for His mercy on me because I don't praise Him or worship Him like I ought. I can't wait for no more sin so I can worship and love and enjoy my Jesus better. I feel so free right now I could fly. How PRECIOUS is the Cross. How CENTRAL! How TRUE! How RIGHT! How GOOD and PERFECT and MARVELOUS!

Whew, I'm tired. Yay for good tiredness, that's all I have to say. And Praise God for making me able to see and savor and worship Him tonight, and let it always be like this and let it always be MORE like this than it was the day before.

thoughts on Grace

2006-01-27T00:06:00.000-06:00

so, it's been a hard week. or month. or maybe even half a year. And don't misinterpret that statement, because hard doesn't always mean bad. It's more of an intermingling of pain with the sweetest joy which is, ultimately, good. Does that makes sense to you? If not, I say this because I believe that joy-that is the greatest possible joy on this earth-does not depend on circumstances but rather on one Person. You guessed it: Jesus.

So again, it's been a hard...six months. And today I realized why it has recently been hard and not so good. Because I am trying to be an achiever. I don't want to need anything. I don't want to burden anyone, because they have their own problems. I try and try and try to be good FOR God, and instead I am met with silence. Today, He showed me why. My achieving spirit makes me realize how NOT good enough I am for Him, and so I push Him away, trying to be better, trying for myself to get closer, asking "what can I do, what can I do?" This question isn't always bad, but it is in this case, because I'm asking out of a heart of defiant independence. But that's not what God wants. He wants a contrite heart - that is, a heart that needs and knows it needs and that the need can only be met by Him. That's why He came to save us while we were still sinners. Because we need Him.

That's what grace means. It means rest in Him. It means trust in Him. And it means great joy and celebration with Him. Jesus came so we wouldn't have to strive anymore and that glorifies Him and gives us peace and relief and freedom to enjoy God.

come awake

2006-01-23T22:35:00.000-06:00

it's funny to me how quickly life changes and how short the seasons really are. Like college. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was a freshman? Now I'm a senior about to graduate...hopefully. Ha. My life has done a 180 since graduating high school, and I have to wonder where it'll be four years from now. Maybe five is a better measure, though, since after this there will be no more school. Maybe.

I have to say, I hope things change as much or more in the next five years that they have in the past four. I hope I grow even more than I did in the past four years. But school coming to an end is scary. I have to admit, I am more than excited to be done with tests and homework. But I will be very sorry to leave college life. I've LOVED it. It's been so hard, but it's been so worth it. And that has more to do with Jesus and people than it does to do with all my book-learnin'. :) God has been FAITHFUL. So that being said, two things have changed since I last wrote:

1) I am not going to Montpellier, France in May, even though I'd still like to someday. (that rhyme was not intentional)
2) I am officially applying for EdgeCorps and waiting on the Lord for His will in this.

I've been thinking about John 10:10 (The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but I come that you may have life and have it to the full), and my only thought is that it is SO TRUE. I am experiencing both sides of that verse and it's so hard. I've been fighting against unbelief and blindness. Do you ever pray and feel like you're talking to a wall? I have and was and it was awful, but He's faithful-He was so good to me today. And I think, too, that some family things are coming to the surface...I think I have to deal with it. If I don't, I will fall away. So then, here comes the inevitable: I will deal. Because I can't fall away. Where else can I go? I literally will become nothing if I abandon Christ. Not that it's up to me anyway, thankfully. Because if it was, I would surely have abandoned everything by now. But no, God is sovereign, God alone has victory and power and strength to overcome the Enemy. But to live this- it's hard.

Fun Tuesday

2006-01-11T10:23:00.000-06:00

While at work, I was listening to our (male) receptionist and the FedEx guy talk. Now, neither of these guys really seem like they play a whole lot of sports, but they sure talked a lot about it. They were going through all the players of some football team (probably the Vikings, this is Minnesota after all, but who really knows), and they were basically giving each other a rundown of all the strengths and weaknesses of the players individually and how these things reflected on the team. And it dawned on me, as I remembered my first and very fun Gopher basketball experience, that it isn't necessary for men to have played a particular sport, they just have to know enough about it to be able to talk to each other in an in-depth, 5 minute minimum conversation in order to be able to relate to one another. I don't know, for some reason that's interesting to me.

But yeah, I went to my first Golden-Gopher basketball game, and I had a ton of fun. I wasn't going to go, and on my way there I actually thought about backing out, because honestly, I hate watching basketball on TV. But it's a different experience live. Plus, it was the Gopher-Badger game, and it was an amazing game. It was so close...but we lost. Which was not so good, but it was still fun cheering and hanging out with people and stuff. Actually, I was with four other people, one good friend, two people I barely knew, and an old roommate who joined us later. I ended up sitting with the two people I barely knew, but that was sweet. It's really hard to hold a conversation at games though...and I'm a conversation person. Which makes sense, because I'm a girl and girls generally like to talk more than guys, at least for the most part.

Even more fun was going back to one of the guys dorms after the game and hanging out and playing a little guitar. That's right, I bought a guitar yesterday-ladies and gentlemen, I am officially a musician. Anyway, so by a little, I mean I learned like, two chords (actually three, but I can only remember two right now), and then watched my friend who helped me pick out my guitar play. I can't wait to be able to really play. I've been wanting to learn to play guitar for so long! Yeah...yesterday was a really fun day.

new anxieties, new ideas

2005-12-30T23:57:00.000-06:00

well...I think I might want to go to France for three weeks this summer. But that's just an idea, and a really REALLY attractive one at that. It's only three weeks, anyway. And I have to take a summer class, so why not have a ton of fun before I do that? I mean, France would be work too, it IS Study Abroad. But FRANCE. I'd be studying medieval and Roman civilization in Montpellier, France!! You know, I really think that 1st century history is a passion of mine. And Jewish History. I haven't studied much of Early Christian history (outside of the 1st century), but from what I know, I'd love to know more about that too. Why history? It's so tedious. Maybe because it's not a mystery, but it is all at the same time. Wow, I am liking this idea more and more. Ok, but it's just an idea. (I need to slow down some, I think.) Anyway, I need to figure some other things out first, like EdgeCorps.

I just looked up where Montpellier is (geographical knowledge is not my strength) and honestly, it's location makes it even MORE attractive to me. It's on the southeastern border, on the northern side of the Mediterranean Sea near Marseille. Man, I want to go. I can at least appply, right? Well, enough about that.

I read over Micah chapters 6 and 7 today. I have been familiar with Micah 7:8-9 for a few months, but reading those two chapters together helped put it more into perspective. Chapter 6 is God's indictment of Israel, and what the wicked will get if they continue in their wickedness. All I could think was, I deserve all of that. And I'm having a really really hard time believing God's grace right now. There's just something about home that brings up the awful memories of who I used to be and where I came from. It makes me want to cast myself into Sheol. But here, I ask the question, is my shame becoming my pride? Will I "nullify the grace of God?" Will I have contempt for all He has done for me, for all the love and redemption I have already received, and all that is mine for eternity? I don't want to, at all, I hate being separated from Him.

What sucks is that struggles aren't resolved in moments. At least mine aren't. And another thing, I say a whole ton of things to myself and believe them in my head before I believe them in my heart. I do it all the time. Even when I %100 know that my head knowledge is truth. But head knowledge isn't what transforms, and so I'm stuck here right now. Waiting. Waiting for my God to offer me the vindication I want and so desperately need.

7But as for me, I will look to the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
my God will hear me.
8Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be a light to me.
9I will bear the indignation of the LORD
because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my cause
and executes judgment for me.
He will bring me out to the light;
I shall look upon his vindication.
10Then my enemy will see,
and shame will cover her who said to me,
"Where is the LORD your God?"
My eyes will look upon her;
now she will be trampled down
like the mire of the streets.

between Christmas and New Year's

2005-12-27T18:42:00.000-06:00

well, I've been home for almost a week, and with different things happening on both sides of the good-bad spectrum, it's balanced out to be...not worse than I expected. So that's good. But it's still been hard. Being here makes me want a family, simply because I lack one. It's me and my mom at one house, and my brother and sister and dad at another. How much more split up can you get? Besides everyone being alone, and at least that isn't the case.

Usually I love Christmas, I love the season and the music and everything that goes with it. This year, it's different. I don't really know what else to say, it's just different. I love Jesus. And when I'm here, and I remember my past and I see what's going on now, I see- the experiential, heartfelt, spiritual kind of see -God's mercy. My mom makes these comments that I'm smarter than she was (this was around the age when she married my dad), but I hate that, because I know I'm not, God just had mercy on me. I would have gotten married if I had had my way. I was set on it. The only difference was one little answer to prayer. So why was I spared everything? But is that really the right way to look at it? If all of this lead my mother to faith, it was good. God knows what He's doing, I just have a hard time understanding why I can't understand His way. I want to understand. But that doesn't come this side of heaven.

Truth is a major theme this holiday break. I'm learning lots of things I didn't want to know, but it's good that I know. I'm revealing things that I never had the courage to reveal before, and most of that is because of my mom and her courage. And because I am changed. I am completely different from who I was even just three short years ago. I'm a new creation. Sometimes it's hard to believe that, others it's not. Right now, I don't know what to think. Two things I am glad of: 1) that truth doesn't depend on how I feel in a given situation and 2) that God's plans cannot be thwarted by man. Because I seriously do everything I can to mess with them. But He hems me in, I'm brought to my knees again, and He reminds me who the Creator is, who the Father is, and who Love is.

anger, nothingness, brokenness, hurt, brokenness, perseverance...Hope. And Hope does not disappoint us. If God is for us, who can be against us? Bring on the New Year. I'm ready.

2005-12-19T21:45:00.000-06:00

It's the middle of finals, and I should be studying for a final right (two, actually), but I can't concentrate. I'm borrowing my roommate's laptop as I write this, since they are downstairs watching Christmas with the Kranks. I really want to watch it too, but I will refrain. I am supposed to be studying, after all...

I've been feeling so despondent the last few days. How come everything has to get difficult again right in the middle of finals? Is it asking too much to have a moment's rest while I'm supposed to be concentrating on getting good grades so I can graduate? I suppose so. I just abhor school right now. Abhor means hate, but I think it more adequately describes my feelings...it seems to me a more colorful adjective. I hate that I'm like this right now, and that I've been like this for the past week and a half. I'm moody. I'm mean. I'm jealous and vindictive. I'm selfish and self-pitying. I have no motivation. And I feel a little hopeless.

Yet this I call to mind, and still I have hope: God has saved me, He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. I believe this, but I need help to believe. My heart longs for this, but I am "laid low in the dust," angry, somewhat bitter, and frustrated that I won't stop doing the things I hate. I need a big God. No, I need an infinite God, who is infinitely merciful. I need a God who will fill this emptiness that is now threatening to overwhelm me. The other day, as I was walking home, all I could think to ask was for Him to take me home. Because I feel like a failure. I feel alone. I feel defeated and sick, and I loathe myself. So my conversation with Him went like this:

"God, please, just let me stop breathing, stop my heart, right now, please God..."
"My grace is sufficient for you."
"But God, I'm so tired, I'm weak, I'm helpless, how could everything have fallen apart like this, was it me? Can I even do this? I can't! I can't!"
"For I know the plans I have for you..."
"God, just let me die, take me Home, please Lord, it hurts to breathe"
"...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

He had to say that last thing to me a couple of times. In case you're wondering if I've gone off the deep end, I haven't, His responses were His Word from 2 Corinthians 12 and Jeremiah 29. The Jeremiah verse was interesting, because I haven't thought about that verse in a long time. It probably seems unbelievable that this conversation took place, and that's ok, I know it happened. That's the purpose of memorizing scripture, after all. To fight despair and sin, and the lies the Enemy would have us believe.

I'm in a hard place right now. I'll cling to God, (but in reality, He'll cling to me, He won't let me go, He'll fight for me). I just need my heart to be alive enough to respond to Him. Can it be? Can I be alive enough to struggle against the flesh and against bitterness and rage and envy? Can I struggle against clinging to any feeble hope in what the world has to offer? Oh Lord, I hope so. Am I able to serve while I'm like this? How could I possibly? If there's one thing I learned a couple of months ago, it's that 1) it's not God that I'm serving, it is not He who is the beneficiary, the receiver, I am. This is where He meets me-in brokenness, in weakness, in hardships, in despair. This is how He perfects His power. 2) God will do it for His namesake, for His renown. He will do it for His glory, in my heart and in the hearts of others. It's about Him. So I should wait.

The Lord is my refuge, my fortress. My hope is in Him.

2005-12-13T05:39:00.000-06:00

note: we do not start out good, we do not even start out neutral. We start by being utterly depraved, incapable of not sinning with every ounce of our hearts, souls, and minds against the Creator God.

We are not on the same level as God. We can neither compare ourselves to Him, nor think that He is held to our same standards. We are corrupt, even our idea of justice is perverted by sin. Can we know, do, or savor anything good without sin being present-even the very sin of being satisfied with ourselves for having known, done, or savored the good? Ask yourself this honestly. Really examine yourself.

Did we create the heavens, did we set the stars in the sky, did we raise mountains or set the boundaries for oceans, do we know what tomorrow will bring, were we there when the earth began?

Was I?

So who am I to tell God how to run things? Who am I to judge in this moment what is good and what is best? Should I submit to pride and arrogance, over-valuing the human condition and the place of man in the world? NO. DO NOT BE SO FOOLISH AS TO THINK THAT LIFE IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR COMFORT. Do not think that there is not a more glorious story being played out in history than the extent of your life. DO NOT.

I am laid low in the dust. In Your righteousness, O God, do not judge, for no one is righteous.

2005-12-12T22:10:00.000-06:00

right now I feel vastly unmotivated and completely overwhelmed. I just want to quit. I want to quit school, I want to quit being visible to people, I want to quit life. I'm tired. I'm confused. I don't know where I'm going. I know I'm angry down there somewhere too, but it's manifesting itself as a general feeling of weightyness. And I have to think critically for two final papers. And I've realized how shallow my interaction with God has been the last couple of weeks. Where have I turned? Certainly not to Him. And I feel it. I always feel it, but I always find myself in places where I do what I hate.

Based on biblical texts and ideas, I believe He's letting me feel like this, in order that I might trust Him and let go of the worldly things I depend on. "Yet even now," declares the Lord, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. Rend your hearts and not your garments." Joel 2.

So I say to myself:
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar...By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God my Rock,"Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?" My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?" Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

At least I'm not the only one who's ever felt this. Why does life get harder all the time? Will it ever get better? "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world." My only hope is Christ. I cling to Him...no, I don't have the strength. He clings to me. He keeps me. He will be faithful. By His grace and mercy I will finish the race. I will finish.

Amusing things about Greg Koukl

2005-12-09T11:07:00.000-06:00

1. Greg Koukl is funny. He's this Christian apologetics teacher, and he's got good theology, basically he's just great. Anyway, on a recent radio show, he said he had John Piper's prayer and fasting book, but he hasn't read it because he figures once he does he'll have to apply it, and he's not a big faster. It just struck me as amusing, and I just smiled and thought, "oh, Greg."

2. He says "chaps my pajamas." this is a previously discovered amusing thing, but it's still amusing. who says that? one person: Greg Koukl.

Also, I really like how he tries to understand concepts about the Bible by using all (or at least more than one of) the verses pertaining to the topic in the Bible, not just one verse. I think that's good.

2005-12-05T22:41:00.000-06:00

I AM BURNT OUT!!!! I am so sick of writing papers. And I'm sick of school. And I'm sick of not getting eight hours of sleep per night.

Ok, I'm done complaining now. Sorry about that.

I was looking at my last entry, and I think I shouldn't write things like that. I thought about deleting it, but then I was like, no, just let it be. But I renounce my "yeah, that'll happen" comment. That was dumb. It's like asking for someone to say "of course it will happen, Morgan." No no no no no no no no no no no. In reality, yeah, I want to get married, I don't know many people who don't, but that's not my main goal, I refuse to let it be, because ok, it can be great, but it can be stinkin' hard and Jesus is better anyway! If He's the only man in my life the rest of my life, GOOD!! I'll have consistency throughout life and into eternity! I have to be careful about saying that kind of thing though too, because I think sometimes the reason people want to stay single can be just as selfish as some of the reasons for wanting to get married. My selfish reason for remaining single would be fear. But then my selfish desire for wanting to be married would be to feel good about myself. I must continue to fight against both of those. Anyway, feel free to disagree, but it's a thought.

You know what I'm supposed to be doing right now? Writing a paper. That's right. I'll get it done. Hopefully. I better.

This is a very pointless blog entry.

2005-12-03T21:16:00.000-06:00

So, have you ever seen the movie Cinderella Man? It's based on a true story. That's the kind of man I'm going to marry, except add that he's completely sold out for God and will love God more than me. ...yeah, that'll happen.

Oh, and I was going to be really productive today, but seeing as how it's 9:30 and I'm about to go out, I'd say that isn't happening.

Now that's really all.

2005-11-30T21:08:00.000-06:00

Two things, both funny:

1) I fell on the ice today. I stepped out of Bordertown, my foot hit the ice, and boom! girl goes down. fortunately there was no one around to witness this feat of grace. :)

2) I saw the giant snoglobe from my neighbor's yard on TV today. It was in a KMart commercial, I believe. I laughed, because I remembered my stealth mission.

Other than that, I had a great day listening to Piper talk about prayer. Prayer is one of the things that's been on my heart lately, the other is forgiveness. I don't have much more to say on that right now, because my head hurts. I'll write more when I can think.

Also, I went to Aldi for groceries today. I felt like a "big girl" because I went all by myself. It was nice, because I moseyed through the grocery store without feeling guilty for holding any of my roommates up. I think I need alone time. I mean, I am most definitely an extrovert and I have noticed this semester especially how being around people energizes me, but I also just need time to myself. I wonder, is this selfish? Maybe I should live alone for a year and see what it's like. Or maybe not, because I can just see myself becoming a hermit. Seriously.

Back to prayer, I made my official prayer list today. Official doesn't mean permanent, it's just I feel like I made progress by actually writing it down. I think praying with a list is a good idea, because otherwise I forget the needs of the people I'm praying for. I've been listening to a lot of Piper's sermons on prayer lately. And today I realized that prayer is breath-taking and should be my very breath. That's right: I think that I ought to breathe prayer. Because I need God all the time. ALL THE TIME. For every temptation, for every desire, for every task. I need Him so I can feel the horror of my sinfulness when I try not to need Him. I long to know the lengths and heights and depths to which I need Him, because then I think I will know Him better. Really, I just want to experience His love more fully. Sins pleasures are pleasures indeed, but at the culmination of sin's pleasure comes the deepest realization of emptiness. And it's in that moment that I see. Why do I sin? What can it offer me? Only insatiable, perverted desire that gets worse the more I acquire what I desire, ultimately leading to destruction.

There's another thought from Piper that makes so much sense: when we talk about sin, especially with non-believers, it's important to stress that sin is not just horizontal (person to person) but the gravest sin is vertical (person to God). Because who were we made for? God. By whom? God. For what purpose? to display His infinite glory. But I'm sinful, I can't not be, how can I possibly live for that end? I can't. Then how can I possibly know God? through Christ alone. My Jesus. How am I so lucky that I can call Him mine, and know that in turn I belong to Him? It's what I've wanted my whole life. To belong to someone. Isaiah 62, He calls me His, He pursues me without end to completion in perfection. How can I not be in love with a God like that? I can't, not now that I've tasted and seen. Man, I probably sound crazy, but "if I am out of my mind it is for Christ, if I am in my right mind it is for you, for Christ's love compels me."

My headache feels better.

complimentarianism

2005-11-29T21:48:00.000-06:00

yeah, big word. but it means simply that man and woman were created by God to compliment one another. I wholeheartedly agree with this. Now, you might be thinking, this sounds a little like the "separate but equal" policy that the government tried to pin on the educational systems in favor of segragation between African-Americans and Caucasian-Americans. I would respond, yes, this is that idea, but the difference is God created this concept for man and woman's good and so it actually works when done right, but then of course with the fall and everything, we messed it up, and so women now want men and power and men want to lord their power over women and abuse that right. Well that's not my main point here, and plus it is a problem that can be and is redeemed through Jesus Christ. But I digress.

My thoughts on this stem from an experience I had today in my Religion and Society in Imperial China class. The topic was Christianity in China, and the article we read was critical of the missionaries' impact and response to the different religions in China. So I ended up in a small discussion with a guy who is very American but also claims to be Buddhist. I felt that it went alright, not in that I won and he lost, but in that neither of us got angry or anything, so I feel like we respected each other well. However, and this is the embarrassing part, I am rather loud, I think, especially when I am passionate about something, and I really tried to keep my volume low because I was in a class with a bunch of quiet people, but I could still here my voice over everyone else's. Anyway, what was supposed to be a small group discussion ended up being a me and this guy (yeah, I don't even know his name) discussion, and the other people broke off. But at the end, this kid, whose name is Robert, who knows a lot about China, announced to the whole class that we were arguing over Christianity and so I felt like "that Christian," and I hate that feeling. But after Robert announced this, my thought process was as follows:

I'm so embarrassed, why did he have to say that, why does he have to act like he knows everything, why did I let myself get into a debate like that, Galatians 1:10 - I am not ashamed of the Gospel. I shouldn't be ashamed of this, the Gospel is offensive, did I speak so that the only thing offending people was the Gospel itself and not my attitude?

I felt like I did (in response to my last question) with this guy, but then I started wondering about the other people in my group. Especially two girls who both said, "I'm Christian, but I would never proselytize anyone." Now, from this statement I am thinking they're probably nominal Christians, that is, they go to church and probably believe in God and know about the whole story about Jesus, but this poses a problem: it is an entirely different thing to know about God and to know God. But yeah, then I ended up thinking: Morgan, calm down, you're too emotional, you're too much. Ok, anyway, how this relates to complimentarianism:

So, as it so happens I was perusing facebook and then a friend's blog (it's important to note that he is a man) and I read his latest entry which addresses an issue I had brought up in my blog last week sometime. While reading it, all I could think was, that's why I need friends like him, because his argument, while addressing very similar topics, was way better than mine BECAUSE it was rational and more like an actual thought out argument whereas mine was simply, well, venting. I said true things in my version, but I did it with more emotion than was probably necessary. But then, emotion isn't wrong, we ought to be emotional and passionate about morality issues, but it's good to have a balance. So, in my roundabout way, there's my point. But I shouldn't just depend on my male friends to balance me out, I need to look to Christ first and ask Him to produce the fruit in me that I see Him producing in my friend's heart. I don't really know if this is making sense.

Bottom line: Men and women, when interacting with God and with each other in a God-glorifying way, compliment each other well and it makes me think that marriage can be a good thing when God is the center, but not just marriage, relationships between brother and sister in Christ, I just say marriage because that's more along the lines of the main point of complimentarianism. Yeah, that was a long bottom line.

2005-11-28T00:34:00.000-06:00

ok, three separate-but-equal things:

1) I am home safely from home. My flight was a bit bumpy, and by a bit, I mean, REALLY BUMPY. It was the first time I'd gotten scared on a flight in quite some time. But, thanks to God, we are ok.

2) the reconciliation I was praying for this weekend happened, at least a little. I was glad. Because it was a conviction, and it's always good to follow up on convictions. (not with my dad, I'm still seeking the Lord on this. baby steps, i.e. ex-boyfriend)

3) I have come to the realization that there are people who make risking your heart worth it.

Conclusion: there is hope.

2005-11-26T23:04:00.000-06:00

I'm hurting.

But I've decided that I want to be the kind of woman who invites people to live more fully and to be more themselves. You know, nurturing. (am I a woman yet? who knows...)

I don't want to hide.
I don't want to control.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
I don't want to manipulate.

I want to be honest. I want to be who I am and not be ashamed. I want to let myself mess up. I want to listen more. I want to take hold of...everything. I want to quit thinking that what I want is better than what He wants for me. He withholds no good thing from those whose walk is blameless. Well, in Christ, I'm blameless, not in myself. Thank goodness. That's His promise to me, and I'm going to believe it.

"she is responding/beat up and hurting/deserving death/but offerings of life are found instead"

I hurt. Suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us. If I choose to believe this, then this hurt is good. It doesn't feel good, but neither does setting a broken bone.

happy holiday

2005-11-25T21:12:00.000-06:00

So last night I tried to post this blog, but my computer froze (oh the joys of being at home). But it was probably a good thing, because I was maybe a tad emotional.

Ok, well, Thanksgiving so far has not been life shattering, but it hasn't been easy, either. Far from it. This whole thing with my dad sucks. I know, sucks is strong language, but that's how much it sucks. I got upset, I got angry, I cried a lot. A few times. I cried with my brother, and my mom says it's good because it's good for him to see that I'm struggling with this too. Yeah...I think that's about as far as I'm going to let myself go here. Because "A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back." Yeah, Solomon was definitely wise, even though he had like, 700 wives and concubines. I will say, though, that everything going on with my dad makes me want to be single for the rest of my life. But that's enough of that...

So it's the day after Thanksgiving, and our neighbors who are always first to put up decorations have theirs up. It's a giant blow-up santa and a gianter blow-up snowglobe. As my mom and I were driving by, I was like, tomorrow we're taking a picture and she was like, why don't you just do it now, and I was like only if you do it with me, and the result? I now have some crazy candid pictures of me and my mom with the giant santa and snow globe. Yeah, we're cool. There's no denying it. We're thinking about making them our Christmas cards. I don't usually make Christmas cards, but I'd do it just because of these pictures.

Other than all that, I miss my Minnesota friends. And my Indiana friend, and my Texas friend, and my Nebraska friends. I just miss my friends.

Abortion

2005-11-22T17:19:00.000-06:00

Since arriving at the U, I have been bombarded with issues on women's rights, especially in light of abortion. Over and over there have been arguments going back and forth in the MN Daily over whether or not abortion is right, whether or not a fetus is a person, and whether or not Roe vs. Wade should be overturned. And I have to say, I am so frustrated by men and women alike who argue for abortion based soley on a woman's right to choose. And isn't that what all pro-abortion arguments come down to? Choose to live free of health concerns, financial concerns, and lifestyle infringement concerns that come about when a woman is deciding, "should I have an abortion?"

The most recent editorial in the campus paper that has inspired me to voice my frustrations come from a girl who is obviously very passionate about women's rights. I don't fault her for this, but I do have a problem with the reasons she claims gives a woman to choose whether or not to keep her baby. She gives argument for choosing abortion with the following statements:

1. "It is more unsettling when they [the author of the column she is responding to] imply that the decision to terminate a pregnancy is arrived at lightly and just to escape responsibility."

First of all, I must state clearly that I believe that many women who seek to have abortions are evading the responsibility of their actions. Women who ask the questions she poses--"Can she afford this baby?; Will she have enough time to devote to it?; Will she have the support of her husband, boyfriend, or family?"--are, I believe avoiding the responsibiity it takes to care for another human being. I don't deny that it's a huge sacrifice. I spent enough time taking care of my baby brother rather than hanging out with friends when I was younger to know that. I know potty training is disgusting. I know it's difficult to keep an eye on a child every moment in order to ensure his safety, and I know what happens when you fail to do that and suffer the heartache of seeing the child hurt because you weren't there to protect him. It's hard. But abortion is not the answer. Adoption is a viable option, and I would say, it would be wise to ask yourself why you don't want to carry the child to term and then give it up for adoption. Is it because you don't want to mess up your figure or face the reality that this is, in fact, a human being growing inside of you? As an argument against adoption, this girl claims that it is a hard decision to make, whether or not you want your child to be cared for by another person. Maybe so, but if you care enough about your baby to not want another woman to be its mother, how does that justify killing it instead? The logic simply does not line up, and frankly it's selfish.

another statement she makes:

2. "Halverson's column...also sounded generally disapproving of women having intercourse for anything other than procreative purposes, which leads me to wonder about his real motivation for opposing birth control, Plan B, and abortion."

I don't deny that there are people out there who are blatantly anti-sex for any purpose save procreation. Halverson may in fact be one of them. But this is a ridiculous argument for supporting abortion. So I'm going to leave behind all qualms I have about talking about this straight out and be frank: Sex is meant to be pleasurable, and more importantly it is meant to be the culmination of the ultimate covenant between a man and a woman. It is GOOD because God created it, no, I'll go even further, it is PERFECT the way He created it. Did you know that God commands our joy and that includes sex within the boundaries He set up? In creating sex for our pleasure and His glory, He also lovingly created boundaries for the greatest enjoyment of this act. And did it ever occur to you that having sex outside these boundaries actually LESSENS our joy? Think about it--every time you have sex with someone, you give them a piece of yourself, and even if they receive it with care, there's not that trust or security that is more present within a marriage. And everytime you break up with that person, that piece is destroyed. And when you think about it, these boundaries also cover all the consequences (by which I simply mean plausible outcomes) of sex. We are to have sex with only one person in our lifetime, and it is to be between a man and a woman only within the bounds of marriage, a secure relationship where two people have in fact become one, this union being the foundation of family. How does marriage answer the questions considered by pregnant women who are thinking about abortion?
The author of the article asks:
A. Can she afford this baby once it is born? Well, when husband and wife work together, one or both of these jobs contribute to the financial responsibilities. Now, it is my opinion that it is ultimately the husband's responsibility to provide for his family, but I understand not everyone shares that opinion. I, myself, grew up in a household where my mother was the main bread-winner. But, case in point, if there are two people supporting one another in having a child, we can see that there are more resources for greater financial support.
B. Will she have enough time to devote to it? again, with both father and mother present, YES, of course. Not to say it won't be hard or that there isn't great sacrifice involved, but the burden is lightened when shared between two people.
C. Will she have the support of her husband, boyfriend, or family? Now, I have to admit that I don't really have an answer to this objection. If one or both parties in the marriage are not ready for a child, though, I would think that they both would be mature enough (since we assume they were mature enough to enter into a marriage in the first place) to use preventative measures. Here again, there is still responsibility in having sex even within marriage. As to birth control, I am very uninformed about it, and I have definitely heard that some forms are essentially chemically induced abortions, so here I feel compelled to say that I am going to learn more in order to be able to take a more informed stance on this issue.

Despite this third argument, I hold that the evidence suggests that two people who are committed and responsible enough to marry and therefore be in covenant with one another to take care of the other in all circumstances are certainly better equipped to handle a child. I would definitely argue that women were not meant to raise children on their own. And I would add that, in light of all the considerations one must take into account when having a baby, having sex outside of marriage simply because you want to feel good is not only irresponsible but also unloving! It is unloving not to consider any possible children which may result from having sex, and it is unloving to abort said child just because you don't think you can handle the responsibility, even if you come to that decision after a lot of careful deliberation.

So I think I've sounded a little harsh. But I should say, and this is my last comment on this issue, that I do not feel uncompassionate towards women who are single and pregnant and are considering or have already had an abortion, and I do not judge them. It's a hard issue. I don't know what I would do in that same situation. But the thing that keeps me from backing down from my anti-abortion position is my belief in a loving and sovereign God. I believe He alone has the authority to choose whether a not a child should come into this world, because I don't think that a pregnancy is merely the result of two people having sex. I think God is completely in control of whether or not a woman gets pregnant. Having a baby is a huge issue, but it's an issue in which He calls us, as women, to trust Him completely and follow His leading, not to simply go our own way. Because there is a way that seems right to us, but it is a way that leads to death (literally and figuratively). It's no different from any other aspect of life. He values every life, born or unborn. Why should we take the place of God in deciding who should live or who should die based on our convenience? And what gives us the idea that we possess that right? Our bodies are not our own, but are temples of the Living God. There is mercy for women who have made the wrong choice. There is forgiveness and compassion and love. And there is help for those who are at the point of making the decision.

2005-11-21T00:07:00.001-06:00

http://www.myspace.com/jeffmathena

So, you ought go to this site and listen to this kid. I knew him from high school and I haven't talked to him since a random run-in at 7:22 my freshman year of college. I listened, and I couldn't believe how stinkin' good he is. It's amazing where people end up after high school. Not that we've arrived anywhere yet.

Psalm 143.