Ruminations post-grad

stigma

2006-07-14T00:21:00.000-05:00

So, I'm going to be on ministry staff this fall. I always looked up to ministry staffers without really realizing it. I mean, they were COOL. Maybe not the ones you knew, but the ones I knew. And they seemed so wise and together and had this uncanny ability to care about a lot of people. And now I'm going to be one of them. So, aren't I supposed to be perfect like them, too?

No. They were people too. I am a person, with flaws and wrong thinking and mess-ups and weird, sometimes crazy emotions. They were like that too, I just didn't see it. So I'd get disappointed, because I'd forget they were PEOPLE. I don't mean to be cliche, but Christians are not perfect, they're forgiven, and I tell you, there's a reason that's cliche: because it's so TRUE it's annoying. ok, only maybe annoying. But definitely true. But I know why they and lots of other people try to act perfect sometimes: because it's scary being real!! There's so much risk: REJECTION, ridicule, alienation, being thought a freak, being thought a BURDEN, getting your heart into trouble, etc, etc, etc. I hold back a lot because of many of these reasons, albeit not always all at once.

And you know where those fears come from? Fearing man more than God. Because God created me. He made me with a BIG personality - lots of passion that is usually expressed in relationships, and that can and has get/gotten me into trouble a time or million. But God made me that way, and set me free in Christ so I could be that way for Him. Because He not only can handle my intensity, but delights in it when it's put into the right thing (i.e. Jesus, His glory, LOVING Him). That's not to say that there aren't good and appropriate times to hold back, but I love and long for the freedom that is mine in Christ, where I really can "throw off the sin that so easily entangles" me and run the race, looking toward the finish line with Him as my only goal. Do you ever notice how passionate the Bible is? That's why I love it. I remember in Sunday School class in 5th grade thinking the Bible was so boring. It's because I didn't know HIM yet. Have you ever noticed how knowing about the author brings a whole new dimension to a story? And knowing Him personally...it blows me away.

Note: my own personal cliche - I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now.

2006-06-12T22:55:00.000-05:00

If I ever have anything intelligent to say on here ever again, I will be surprised. And I'm not sure that anything I ever said was in fact intelligent. But now, my conclusion comes from the fact that I am plum tuckered out (yes, that's southern-speak).

Randomness of the day: there was a guy who plays MN football in my Latin American class today, and he is from Atlanta...he went to Lassiter High School, and I know lots of people who went there. It's in the same town as 'my' high school - Pope. Even though I went to Pebblebrook. It's complicated.

Also, I am now taking my first summer classes ever. I don't think it will be that bad. But add work and fundraising to that, and I think we've got a fast-paced, I'm-going-to-need-time-off-when-this-is-over summer. We'll see how this goes. God promised He would be there. So I'm going to believe it. It's funny how at peace I feel about this now, when before I was so not sure about it at all.

So, let's talk about trust. There are, I think, two kinds that play out in life: the first starts in your head and heart. It's more of an idea, kind of like "yeah, I could trust this or that," and the second is practical trust - the kind that plays out in your life. It comes from the first kind of trust. So I would say that the first can exist without the second, but the second cannot exist without the first. I had the first kind of trust for a long time. Mostly because I didn't take any risks. I had the IDEA that God was trustworthy and faithful. And it played out well - I saw it a lot. But it was a passive seeing. I wasn't experiencing it to the fullest extent. And I'm thinking that this is why the EDGE decision was so difficult. I'm good at trusting God for things that don't require much on my part - no risk taking or possibilities of being hurt or anything. I'm not good at trusting Him with the things that really cost me something. And I'm pretty much getting the feeling from some time I had with Him that it's only going to get harder - but also that He'll be right there with me, not rejecting me, not casting me off. But I still find it to be difficult. But what is faith, if I don't let Him work. I prayed for deeper intimacy with Him. I prayed that I would be broken so I would not try to do life apart from Him. I prayed that I would matter for His name and renown on the MN campus. Did I think that would be easy? Did I know what I was praying myself into? Do I know, even now? I don't think so.

But I know that I'm at least feeling emotion now. I recognize more often the times when I turn to idols. I've heard His promise that He will answer when I call, and He will cause me to defile the idols and altars I've set up. I'm working out of a broken, bleeding, hurting faith. I have nothing to give, even though I still try to make it look like I do. I look at myself, wondering how God can work with a mess like me, and why He even wants to. And then I find myself wanting only to lay facedown at the foot of the Cross. I don't want to be anywhere else, ever. Where else can I go? Who else can heal me from my sinfulness and my hurt and my emptiness?

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered [and will suffer] the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith-- that I may know him...

Those verses are going to mean a lot to me in the coming months.

Inevitabilities

2006-04-11T21:46:00.000-05:00

Inevitability #1: writing a blog entry when I'm writing a paper the night before it's due.

Inevitability #2: writing a paper the night before it's due, no matter how good my intentions may be to get it done earlier.

Inevitability #3: things always change.

I received a phone call today that rocked my boat a little bit about the future. It staggered me at first, as I realized that the first of my expectations I held for it was shattered (though this shattering was not necessarily devastating, just disappointing). But it was good to realize that despite this new information I still desire to do what I think God is calling me to do.

On Friday, too, I realized the inevitability of change, and today's events confirmed this realization, but in a different way. Letting go is a must, trust is mandatory, and loving boldly is more necessary now than ever. But what does that look like? It should look patient, kind, not envious, not jealous or rude or boastful, but bearing all things, enduring all things and hoping all things. It should be wonderfully and beautifully biblical. But as the situation seems to endlessly go opposite of the way I want it to go, I realize again that I need God to love like this, because I don't have the capacity. Am I being painfully vague? Well, I'm doing it on purpose.

As a dear friend and I were talking today about what it means to love, especially those who are hard to love, this C.S. Lewis quote came to mind:

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

This quote meant a lot to me a couple of years ago during a hard time with a guy I was involved with. Having long moved past that circumstance, having been encouraged by it, I now am remembering this quote feeling convicted. People have asked me lately who I'm close to and it's been really hard to come up with anyone. I tell people things, but I don't usually let them see me hurting, and if I do it's on accident, when they're sitting in my dining room unexpectedly. I shut people out from what I'm really feeling, and yet one of the things I long for most deeply is intimacy in my friendships, but even more deeply, with Christ. I'm understanding this thought on love...it's hard. Trully loving people means you will almost always get hurt in some way, whether it's by a person's rejection or failure to come through for you or even the end of a friendship. I have been failed by others and I have failed others numerous times, as I'm sure is the same for you.

But this is where God calls us to seek Him for our deepest needs of being loved and feeling like we matter. The failure of others, the lonliness you often feel when choosing to love someone boldly and biblically ought to call us to embrace the lonliness we feel and seek God there. The joy of finding Christ is what we are meant to find when we seek Him there.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

"The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."
Psalm 16:4-6

All to You

2006-04-02T00:17:00.000-06:00

Today I was obsessed with learning this song:

I can’t wait to get out of here
I can’t fake through this pain I feel
It’s been too long, that I’ve been gone
Now I’m coming back, I’m coming back
So long, it’s gone
This burden that I carry

I’ll give it all to You, to You

I wade out and the waves are bigger
I can’t sort through all this junk so I surrender
I’ve gone on, way too long
Now I’ve had enough, I’ll give it up to you
This storm is great, but You are so much greater

CHORUS

I can’t wait to see you standing there so bright and special
And all the waves that crashed around my head
Fall silent at the whisper of your voice

It's April and I think I'm finally seeing. At least glimpses. God has been faithful, and will continue to be. Which is crazy, because I'm just seeing the grossness of my sin. And I'm hearing about the beauty of Jesus and ever so slowly beginning to believe again that He really has covered my sin, that He desires and delights to do it, and that He had covered EVERYTHING, not just my past and my present sin, but also my future sin. I just don't get how much I need Him, I don't understand the lengths of His salvation. But I know I need a Savior, I need my Savior, my Jesus. And that He wants to do a good work in me. And that He "who calls [me] is faithful; He will DO IT" (1 thess 5:24).

All we like sheep have gone astray, we have - everyone - turned to his own way, and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. (Is 53:6)

All I can say is I want to BE and not DO, I want to LOVE, and I want to MATTER for spreading His glory - I want to be part of it. I don't want to be the same tomorrow as I am even today. I want to be compelled by the love of my Jesus for me. Oh the implications of such desires...

Underneath all this I want to know and feel and experience His love so that everything else pleasurable loses its pleasure if it's not from Him. Because everything is a waste if it's not about the Saving, Redeeming, Breathtaking, Eternal Jesus. Without Him, life is meaningless. Where else can I go?

post-phone call

2006-03-06T21:47:00.000-06:00

she writes and writes but says nothing, seeking more than what she sees, wishing for an open heart to receive and pour and receive and pour, here she sits not seeing what can not be seen with her eyes but hoping and trusting that there is more going on than what seems so hopeless.

HE will answer her.

He is her desire, where there is no desire to feel
He is her faith where faith cannot be found
He is her righteousness where death once reigned- it threatens now, but fails at the power of His sacrifice, it WILL NOT win.
He is her hope, He is her love, He is her refuge, He is her everything, He is her Jesus.

ok, so sometimes I hate change

2006-02-04T12:04:00.000-06:00

do you ever have these friendships that rock so much for lots of time, and then something changes, whether between the two of you or at the encouragement of some outsider, or even due to some unknown random catalyst?

Yeah I don't like that. I know there are seasons for friendships, and that friendships basically always have to change, because otherwise it will get stale, but sometimes I don't think the change is for the better. Sometimes the change makes things unhappy and confusing, where you feel just like your dog died or something.

So I think I'm mourning that change right now. Usually when I do this, I run away, but in this instance, it's not all that possible. I mean, if I really tried, I could, but that would mean sacrificing a lot of other important things that I'm not willing to sacrifice. So the solution? Grin and bear it. And trust that my Jesus, who withholds no good thing from me, has the best in mind and is going to take care of it. If not on the outside, at least within my own heart.

And that brings to mind another thing: I miss Him. Do you ever get that? David did - "In your presence there is fullness of joy." I'm in his presence, I know, but I want it all. I don't want the mirror. But waiting makes things sweeter. I know it does. And it changes my heart, which is probably what I really need right now. I need more of Him and less of me.

Response

2006-02-01T23:08:00.000-06:00

So, you know how things have been kinda crazy in a not so hot kind of way? Yeah, God is FAITHFUL. 1 Thess 5:21-24. Or Something.

The week has been full of self-discovery revealed by my favorite Jesus. He showed me my pride. Oooooooh, my pride, YUCK. And He's opening my heart to learn (again, for the first time) what it really means to live by grace. This is an awesome thing. Because with grace, your sin drives you to the Cross to be made clean and whole, not away from God. Grace is only possible to live by when you're humble. Not that I don't need work still on this, but that's why I'm learning. I like to learn from God, because it's like drinking the purest and most refreshing water you could ever imagine. And I can't ever get enough of it or too much of it...like you know when you drink too much water too fast and you can feel the water sloshing around in your stomach? Yeah, God's not like that.

I went to a Campus Outreach meeting tonight at church, and was refreshed. I had forgotten how much I love the teaching there. And the worship. And the theology. and the people. And wow, it had grown SO MUCH since even last semester. God is doing amazing things in that ministry. I hope He continues to bless it, because I am ALL FOR what they're about. They're about Jesus and people knowing Jesus better every day and loving Him with their MINDS AND THEIR HEARTS. They're about His glory. They're not perfect, but they are seeking after Him and God is giving Himself to them. Being there makes it hard not to want to get right in the middle of what they're doing. Thinking about that makes me think about how I struggled last year with leaving Navs and joining CO, and then I knew God wanted me with Navs. But is that still where He wants me? Or maybe He wants me with Navs on another campus. Or maybe He wants something entirely different and I'm just refusing to listen. I'm not sure about any of this, but I am sure of one thing. In ministry, I want to be about first pursuing God passionately with my own heart and mind, and second about pursuing others passionately for Him so that their hearts will connect with Him and they will begin to pursue Him passionately with their whole hearts and minds. HEARTS AND MINDS. For their JOY, and HIS GLORY.

Can you even believe what and Who we are made for? How big is our God and how small are we? Why on EARTH did He even think to create us? BECAUSE (I heard this illustration tonight) He and His Son and His Spirit - the Trinity - are by nature so full and whole and complete that they overflow like a fountain. So it's like He is by nature a Creator because there is so much of Him. Can you even fathom the billions of stars that are in our own galaxy? Let alone the billions upon billions upon billions in the billions upon billions of galaxies there are? And this God NAMED THOSE STARS, EACH ONE?? He MADE ME? I can't even begin to understand infinity, and I can't even begin to understand my God. But He's MY GOD! He gave himself to me?! Lord, WHAT CAN I DO TO SPREAD YOUR FAME ON MY CAMPUS? What can I do to show everyone I meet JUST HOW GREAT YOU ARE?

He is worthy of worship. Not just for what I just said, but for His mercy on me because I don't praise Him or worship Him like I ought. I can't wait for no more sin so I can worship and love and enjoy my Jesus better. I feel so free right now I could fly. How PRECIOUS is the Cross. How CENTRAL! How TRUE! How RIGHT! How GOOD and PERFECT and MARVELOUS!

Whew, I'm tired. Yay for good tiredness, that's all I have to say. And Praise God for making me able to see and savor and worship Him tonight, and let it always be like this and let it always be MORE like this than it was the day before.

thoughts on Grace

2006-01-27T00:06:00.000-06:00

so, it's been a hard week. or month. or maybe even half a year. And don't misinterpret that statement, because hard doesn't always mean bad. It's more of an intermingling of pain with the sweetest joy which is, ultimately, good. Does that makes sense to you? If not, I say this because I believe that joy-that is the greatest possible joy on this earth-does not depend on circumstances but rather on one Person. You guessed it: Jesus.

So again, it's been a hard...six months. And today I realized why it has recently been hard and not so good. Because I am trying to be an achiever. I don't want to need anything. I don't want to burden anyone, because they have their own problems. I try and try and try to be good FOR God, and instead I am met with silence. Today, He showed me why. My achieving spirit makes me realize how NOT good enough I am for Him, and so I push Him away, trying to be better, trying for myself to get closer, asking "what can I do, what can I do?" This question isn't always bad, but it is in this case, because I'm asking out of a heart of defiant independence. But that's not what God wants. He wants a contrite heart - that is, a heart that needs and knows it needs and that the need can only be met by Him. That's why He came to save us while we were still sinners. Because we need Him.

That's what grace means. It means rest in Him. It means trust in Him. And it means great joy and celebration with Him. Jesus came so we wouldn't have to strive anymore and that glorifies Him and gives us peace and relief and freedom to enjoy God.

come awake

2006-01-23T22:35:00.000-06:00

it's funny to me how quickly life changes and how short the seasons really are. Like college. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was a freshman? Now I'm a senior about to graduate...hopefully. Ha. My life has done a 180 since graduating high school, and I have to wonder where it'll be four years from now. Maybe five is a better measure, though, since after this there will be no more school. Maybe.

I have to say, I hope things change as much or more in the next five years that they have in the past four. I hope I grow even more than I did in the past four years. But school coming to an end is scary. I have to admit, I am more than excited to be done with tests and homework. But I will be very sorry to leave college life. I've LOVED it. It's been so hard, but it's been so worth it. And that has more to do with Jesus and people than it does to do with all my book-learnin'. :) God has been FAITHFUL. So that being said, two things have changed since I last wrote:

1) I am not going to Montpellier, France in May, even though I'd still like to someday. (that rhyme was not intentional)
2) I am officially applying for EdgeCorps and waiting on the Lord for His will in this.

I've been thinking about John 10:10 (The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but I come that you may have life and have it to the full), and my only thought is that it is SO TRUE. I am experiencing both sides of that verse and it's so hard. I've been fighting against unbelief and blindness. Do you ever pray and feel like you're talking to a wall? I have and was and it was awful, but He's faithful-He was so good to me today. And I think, too, that some family things are coming to the surface...I think I have to deal with it. If I don't, I will fall away. So then, here comes the inevitable: I will deal. Because I can't fall away. Where else can I go? I literally will become nothing if I abandon Christ. Not that it's up to me anyway, thankfully. Because if it was, I would surely have abandoned everything by now. But no, God is sovereign, God alone has victory and power and strength to overcome the Enemy. But to live this- it's hard.

Fun Tuesday

2006-01-11T10:23:00.000-06:00

While at work, I was listening to our (male) receptionist and the FedEx guy talk. Now, neither of these guys really seem like they play a whole lot of sports, but they sure talked a lot about it. They were going through all the players of some football team (probably the Vikings, this is Minnesota after all, but who really knows), and they were basically giving each other a rundown of all the strengths and weaknesses of the players individually and how these things reflected on the team. And it dawned on me, as I remembered my first and very fun Gopher basketball experience, that it isn't necessary for men to have played a particular sport, they just have to know enough about it to be able to talk to each other in an in-depth, 5 minute minimum conversation in order to be able to relate to one another. I don't know, for some reason that's interesting to me.

But yeah, I went to my first Golden-Gopher basketball game, and I had a ton of fun. I wasn't going to go, and on my way there I actually thought about backing out, because honestly, I hate watching basketball on TV. But it's a different experience live. Plus, it was the Gopher-Badger game, and it was an amazing game. It was so close...but we lost. Which was not so good, but it was still fun cheering and hanging out with people and stuff. Actually, I was with four other people, one good friend, two people I barely knew, and an old roommate who joined us later. I ended up sitting with the two people I barely knew, but that was sweet. It's really hard to hold a conversation at games though...and I'm a conversation person. Which makes sense, because I'm a girl and girls generally like to talk more than guys, at least for the most part.

Even more fun was going back to one of the guys dorms after the game and hanging out and playing a little guitar. That's right, I bought a guitar yesterday-ladies and gentlemen, I am officially a musician. Anyway, so by a little, I mean I learned like, two chords (actually three, but I can only remember two right now), and then watched my friend who helped me pick out my guitar play. I can't wait to be able to really play. I've been wanting to learn to play guitar for so long! Yeah...yesterday was a really fun day.

new anxieties, new ideas

2005-12-30T23:57:00.000-06:00

well...I think I might want to go to France for three weeks this summer. But that's just an idea, and a really REALLY attractive one at that. It's only three weeks, anyway. And I have to take a summer class, so why not have a ton of fun before I do that? I mean, France would be work too, it IS Study Abroad. But FRANCE. I'd be studying medieval and Roman civilization in Montpellier, France!! You know, I really think that 1st century history is a passion of mine. And Jewish History. I haven't studied much of Early Christian history (outside of the 1st century), but from what I know, I'd love to know more about that too. Why history? It's so tedious. Maybe because it's not a mystery, but it is all at the same time. Wow, I am liking this idea more and more. Ok, but it's just an idea. (I need to slow down some, I think.) Anyway, I need to figure some other things out first, like EdgeCorps.

I just looked up where Montpellier is (geographical knowledge is not my strength) and honestly, it's location makes it even MORE attractive to me. It's on the southeastern border, on the northern side of the Mediterranean Sea near Marseille. Man, I want to go. I can at least appply, right? Well, enough about that.

I read over Micah chapters 6 and 7 today. I have been familiar with Micah 7:8-9 for a few months, but reading those two chapters together helped put it more into perspective. Chapter 6 is God's indictment of Israel, and what the wicked will get if they continue in their wickedness. All I could think was, I deserve all of that. And I'm having a really really hard time believing God's grace right now. There's just something about home that brings up the awful memories of who I used to be and where I came from. It makes me want to cast myself into Sheol. But here, I ask the question, is my shame becoming my pride? Will I "nullify the grace of God?" Will I have contempt for all He has done for me, for all the love and redemption I have already received, and all that is mine for eternity? I don't want to, at all, I hate being separated from Him.

What sucks is that struggles aren't resolved in moments. At least mine aren't. And another thing, I say a whole ton of things to myself and believe them in my head before I believe them in my heart. I do it all the time. Even when I %100 know that my head knowledge is truth. But head knowledge isn't what transforms, and so I'm stuck here right now. Waiting. Waiting for my God to offer me the vindication I want and so desperately need.

7But as for me, I will look to the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
my God will hear me.
8Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be a light to me.
9I will bear the indignation of the LORD
because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my cause
and executes judgment for me.
He will bring me out to the light;
I shall look upon his vindication.
10Then my enemy will see,
and shame will cover her who said to me,
"Where is the LORD your God?"
My eyes will look upon her;
now she will be trampled down
like the mire of the streets.

between Christmas and New Year's

2005-12-27T18:42:00.000-06:00

well, I've been home for almost a week, and with different things happening on both sides of the good-bad spectrum, it's balanced out to be...not worse than I expected. So that's good. But it's still been hard. Being here makes me want a family, simply because I lack one. It's me and my mom at one house, and my brother and sister and dad at another. How much more split up can you get? Besides everyone being alone, and at least that isn't the case.

Usually I love Christmas, I love the season and the music and everything that goes with it. This year, it's different. I don't really know what else to say, it's just different. I love Jesus. And when I'm here, and I remember my past and I see what's going on now, I see- the experiential, heartfelt, spiritual kind of see -God's mercy. My mom makes these comments that I'm smarter than she was (this was around the age when she married my dad), but I hate that, because I know I'm not, God just had mercy on me. I would have gotten married if I had had my way. I was set on it. The only difference was one little answer to prayer. So why was I spared everything? But is that really the right way to look at it? If all of this lead my mother to faith, it was good. God knows what He's doing, I just have a hard time understanding why I can't understand His way. I want to understand. But that doesn't come this side of heaven.

Truth is a major theme this holiday break. I'm learning lots of things I didn't want to know, but it's good that I know. I'm revealing things that I never had the courage to reveal before, and most of that is because of my mom and her courage. And because I am changed. I am completely different from who I was even just three short years ago. I'm a new creation. Sometimes it's hard to believe that, others it's not. Right now, I don't know what to think. Two things I am glad of: 1) that truth doesn't depend on how I feel in a given situation and 2) that God's plans cannot be thwarted by man. Because I seriously do everything I can to mess with them. But He hems me in, I'm brought to my knees again, and He reminds me who the Creator is, who the Father is, and who Love is.

anger, nothingness, brokenness, hurt, brokenness, perseverance...Hope. And Hope does not disappoint us. If God is for us, who can be against us? Bring on the New Year. I'm ready.

2005-12-19T21:45:00.000-06:00

It's the middle of finals, and I should be studying for a final right (two, actually), but I can't concentrate. I'm borrowing my roommate's laptop as I write this, since they are downstairs watching Christmas with the Kranks. I really want to watch it too, but I will refrain. I am supposed to be studying, after all...

I've been feeling so despondent the last few days. How come everything has to get difficult again right in the middle of finals? Is it asking too much to have a moment's rest while I'm supposed to be concentrating on getting good grades so I can graduate? I suppose so. I just abhor school right now. Abhor means hate, but I think it more adequately describes my feelings...it seems to me a more colorful adjective. I hate that I'm like this right now, and that I've been like this for the past week and a half. I'm moody. I'm mean. I'm jealous and vindictive. I'm selfish and self-pitying. I have no motivation. And I feel a little hopeless.

Yet this I call to mind, and still I have hope: God has saved me, He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. I believe this, but I need help to believe. My heart longs for this, but I am "laid low in the dust," angry, somewhat bitter, and frustrated that I won't stop doing the things I hate. I need a big God. No, I need an infinite God, who is infinitely merciful. I need a God who will fill this emptiness that is now threatening to overwhelm me. The other day, as I was walking home, all I could think to ask was for Him to take me home. Because I feel like a failure. I feel alone. I feel defeated and sick, and I loathe myself. So my conversation with Him went like this:

"God, please, just let me stop breathing, stop my heart, right now, please God..."
"My grace is sufficient for you."
"But God, I'm so tired, I'm weak, I'm helpless, how could everything have fallen apart like this, was it me? Can I even do this? I can't! I can't!"
"For I know the plans I have for you..."
"God, just let me die, take me Home, please Lord, it hurts to breathe"
"...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

He had to say that last thing to me a couple of times. In case you're wondering if I've gone off the deep end, I haven't, His responses were His Word from 2 Corinthians 12 and Jeremiah 29. The Jeremiah verse was interesting, because I haven't thought about that verse in a long time. It probably seems unbelievable that this conversation took place, and that's ok, I know it happened. That's the purpose of memorizing scripture, after all. To fight despair and sin, and the lies the Enemy would have us believe.

I'm in a hard place right now. I'll cling to God, (but in reality, He'll cling to me, He won't let me go, He'll fight for me). I just need my heart to be alive enough to respond to Him. Can it be? Can I be alive enough to struggle against the flesh and against bitterness and rage and envy? Can I struggle against clinging to any feeble hope in what the world has to offer? Oh Lord, I hope so. Am I able to serve while I'm like this? How could I possibly? If there's one thing I learned a couple of months ago, it's that 1) it's not God that I'm serving, it is not He who is the beneficiary, the receiver, I am. This is where He meets me-in brokenness, in weakness, in hardships, in despair. This is how He perfects His power. 2) God will do it for His namesake, for His renown. He will do it for His glory, in my heart and in the hearts of others. It's about Him. So I should wait.

The Lord is my refuge, my fortress. My hope is in Him.

2005-12-13T05:39:00.000-06:00

note: we do not start out good, we do not even start out neutral. We start by being utterly depraved, incapable of not sinning with every ounce of our hearts, souls, and minds against the Creator God.

We are not on the same level as God. We can neither compare ourselves to Him, nor think that He is held to our same standards. We are corrupt, even our idea of justice is perverted by sin. Can we know, do, or savor anything good without sin being present-even the very sin of being satisfied with ourselves for having known, done, or savored the good? Ask yourself this honestly. Really examine yourself.

Did we create the heavens, did we set the stars in the sky, did we raise mountains or set the boundaries for oceans, do we know what tomorrow will bring, were we there when the earth began?

Was I?

So who am I to tell God how to run things? Who am I to judge in this moment what is good and what is best? Should I submit to pride and arrogance, over-valuing the human condition and the place of man in the world? NO. DO NOT BE SO FOOLISH AS TO THINK THAT LIFE IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR COMFORT. Do not think that there is not a more glorious story being played out in history than the extent of your life. DO NOT.

I am laid low in the dust. In Your righteousness, O God, do not judge, for no one is righteous.

2005-12-12T22:10:00.000-06:00

right now I feel vastly unmotivated and completely overwhelmed. I just want to quit. I want to quit school, I want to quit being visible to people, I want to quit life. I'm tired. I'm confused. I don't know where I'm going. I know I'm angry down there somewhere too, but it's manifesting itself as a general feeling of weightyness. And I have to think critically for two final papers. And I've realized how shallow my interaction with God has been the last couple of weeks. Where have I turned? Certainly not to Him. And I feel it. I always feel it, but I always find myself in places where I do what I hate.

Based on biblical texts and ideas, I believe He's letting me feel like this, in order that I might trust Him and let go of the worldly things I depend on. "Yet even now," declares the Lord, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. Rend your hearts and not your garments." Joel 2.

So I say to myself:
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar...By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God my Rock,"Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?" My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?" Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

At least I'm not the only one who's ever felt this. Why does life get harder all the time? Will it ever get better? "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world." My only hope is Christ. I cling to Him...no, I don't have the strength. He clings to me. He keeps me. He will be faithful. By His grace and mercy I will finish the race. I will finish.

Amusing things about Greg Koukl

2005-12-09T11:07:00.000-06:00

1. Greg Koukl is funny. He's this Christian apologetics teacher, and he's got good theology, basically he's just great. Anyway, on a recent radio show, he said he had John Piper's prayer and fasting book, but he hasn't read it because he figures once he does he'll have to apply it, and he's not a big faster. It just struck me as amusing, and I just smiled and thought, "oh, Greg."

2. He says "chaps my pajamas." this is a previously discovered amusing thing, but it's still amusing. who says that? one person: Greg Koukl.

Also, I really like how he tries to understand concepts about the Bible by using all (or at least more than one of) the verses pertaining to the topic in the Bible, not just one verse. I think that's good.

2005-12-05T22:41:00.000-06:00

I AM BURNT OUT!!!! I am so sick of writing papers. And I'm sick of school. And I'm sick of not getting eight hours of sleep per night.

Ok, I'm done complaining now. Sorry about that.

I was looking at my last entry, and I think I shouldn't write things like that. I thought about deleting it, but then I was like, no, just let it be. But I renounce my "yeah, that'll happen" comment. That was dumb. It's like asking for someone to say "of course it will happen, Morgan." No no no no no no no no no no no. In reality, yeah, I want to get married, I don't know many people who don't, but that's not my main goal, I refuse to let it be, because ok, it can be great, but it can be stinkin' hard and Jesus is better anyway! If He's the only man in my life the rest of my life, GOOD!! I'll have consistency throughout life and into eternity! I have to be careful about saying that kind of thing though too, because I think sometimes the reason people want to stay single can be just as selfish as some of the reasons for wanting to get married. My selfish reason for remaining single would be fear. But then my selfish desire for wanting to be married would be to feel good about myself. I must continue to fight against both of those. Anyway, feel free to disagree, but it's a thought.

You know what I'm supposed to be doing right now? Writing a paper. That's right. I'll get it done. Hopefully. I better.

This is a very pointless blog entry.

2005-12-03T21:16:00.000-06:00

So, have you ever seen the movie Cinderella Man? It's based on a true story. That's the kind of man I'm going to marry, except add that he's completely sold out for God and will love God more than me. ...yeah, that'll happen.

Oh, and I was going to be really productive today, but seeing as how it's 9:30 and I'm about to go out, I'd say that isn't happening.

Now that's really all.

2005-11-30T21:08:00.000-06:00

Two things, both funny:

1) I fell on the ice today. I stepped out of Bordertown, my foot hit the ice, and boom! girl goes down. fortunately there was no one around to witness this feat of grace. :)

2) I saw the giant snoglobe from my neighbor's yard on TV today. It was in a KMart commercial, I believe. I laughed, because I remembered my stealth mission.

Other than that, I had a great day listening to Piper talk about prayer. Prayer is one of the things that's been on my heart lately, the other is forgiveness. I don't have much more to say on that right now, because my head hurts. I'll write more when I can think.

Also, I went to Aldi for groceries today. I felt like a "big girl" because I went all by myself. It was nice, because I moseyed through the grocery store without feeling guilty for holding any of my roommates up. I think I need alone time. I mean, I am most definitely an extrovert and I have noticed this semester especially how being around people energizes me, but I also just need time to myself. I wonder, is this selfish? Maybe I should live alone for a year and see what it's like. Or maybe not, because I can just see myself becoming a hermit. Seriously.

Back to prayer, I made my official prayer list today. Official doesn't mean permanent, it's just I feel like I made progress by actually writing it down. I think praying with a list is a good idea, because otherwise I forget the needs of the people I'm praying for. I've been listening to a lot of Piper's sermons on prayer lately. And today I realized that prayer is breath-taking and should be my very breath. That's right: I think that I ought to breathe prayer. Because I need God all the time. ALL THE TIME. For every temptation, for every desire, for every task. I need Him so I can feel the horror of my sinfulness when I try not to need Him. I long to know the lengths and heights and depths to which I need Him, because then I think I will know Him better. Really, I just want to experience His love more fully. Sins pleasures are pleasures indeed, but at the culmination of sin's pleasure comes the deepest realization of emptiness. And it's in that moment that I see. Why do I sin? What can it offer me? Only insatiable, perverted desire that gets worse the more I acquire what I desire, ultimately leading to destruction.

There's another thought from Piper that makes so much sense: when we talk about sin, especially with non-believers, it's important to stress that sin is not just horizontal (person to person) but the gravest sin is vertical (person to God). Because who were we made for? God. By whom? God. For what purpose? to display His infinite glory. But I'm sinful, I can't not be, how can I possibly live for that end? I can't. Then how can I possibly know God? through Christ alone. My Jesus. How am I so lucky that I can call Him mine, and know that in turn I belong to Him? It's what I've wanted my whole life. To belong to someone. Isaiah 62, He calls me His, He pursues me without end to completion in perfection. How can I not be in love with a God like that? I can't, not now that I've tasted and seen. Man, I probably sound crazy, but "if I am out of my mind it is for Christ, if I am in my right mind it is for you, for Christ's love compels me."

My headache feels better.

complimentarianism

2005-11-29T21:48:00.000-06:00

yeah, big word. but it means simply that man and woman were created by God to compliment one another. I wholeheartedly agree with this. Now, you might be thinking, this sounds a little like the "separate but equal" policy that the government tried to pin on the educational systems in favor of segragation between African-Americans and Caucasian-Americans. I would respond, yes, this is that idea, but the difference is God created this concept for man and woman's good and so it actually works when done right, but then of course with the fall and everything, we messed it up, and so women now want men and power and men want to lord their power over women and abuse that right. Well that's not my main point here, and plus it is a problem that can be and is redeemed through Jesus Christ. But I digress.

My thoughts on this stem from an experience I had today in my Religion and Society in Imperial China class. The topic was Christianity in China, and the article we read was critical of the missionaries' impact and response to the different religions in China. So I ended up in a small discussion with a guy who is very American but also claims to be Buddhist. I felt that it went alright, not in that I won and he lost, but in that neither of us got angry or anything, so I feel like we respected each other well. However, and this is the embarrassing part, I am rather loud, I think, especially when I am passionate about something, and I really tried to keep my volume low because I was in a class with a bunch of quiet people, but I could still here my voice over everyone else's. Anyway, what was supposed to be a small group discussion ended up being a me and this guy (yeah, I don't even know his name) discussion, and the other people broke off. But at the end, this kid, whose name is Robert, who knows a lot about China, announced to the whole class that we were arguing over Christianity and so I felt like "that Christian," and I hate that feeling. But after Robert announced this, my thought process was as follows:

I'm so embarrassed, why did he have to say that, why does he have to act like he knows everything, why did I let myself get into a debate like that, Galatians 1:10 - I am not ashamed of the Gospel. I shouldn't be ashamed of this, the Gospel is offensive, did I speak so that the only thing offending people was the Gospel itself and not my attitude?

I felt like I did (in response to my last question) with this guy, but then I started wondering about the other people in my group. Especially two girls who both said, "I'm Christian, but I would never proselytize anyone." Now, from this statement I am thinking they're probably nominal Christians, that is, they go to church and probably believe in God and know about the whole story about Jesus, but this poses a problem: it is an entirely different thing to know about God and to know God. But yeah, then I ended up thinking: Morgan, calm down, you're too emotional, you're too much. Ok, anyway, how this relates to complimentarianism:

So, as it so happens I was perusing facebook and then a friend's blog (it's important to note that he is a man) and I read his latest entry which addresses an issue I had brought up in my blog last week sometime. While reading it, all I could think was, that's why I need friends like him, because his argument, while addressing very similar topics, was way better than mine BECAUSE it was rational and more like an actual thought out argument whereas mine was simply, well, venting. I said true things in my version, but I did it with more emotion than was probably necessary. But then, emotion isn't wrong, we ought to be emotional and passionate about morality issues, but it's good to have a balance. So, in my roundabout way, there's my point. But I shouldn't just depend on my male friends to balance me out, I need to look to Christ first and ask Him to produce the fruit in me that I see Him producing in my friend's heart. I don't really know if this is making sense.

Bottom line: Men and women, when interacting with God and with each other in a God-glorifying way, compliment each other well and it makes me think that marriage can be a good thing when God is the center, but not just marriage, relationships between brother and sister in Christ, I just say marriage because that's more along the lines of the main point of complimentarianism. Yeah, that was a long bottom line.

2005-11-28T00:34:00.000-06:00

ok, three separate-but-equal things:

1) I am home safely from home. My flight was a bit bumpy, and by a bit, I mean, REALLY BUMPY. It was the first time I'd gotten scared on a flight in quite some time. But, thanks to God, we are ok.

2) the reconciliation I was praying for this weekend happened, at least a little. I was glad. Because it was a conviction, and it's always good to follow up on convictions. (not with my dad, I'm still seeking the Lord on this. baby steps, i.e. ex-boyfriend)

3) I have come to the realization that there are people who make risking your heart worth it.

Conclusion: there is hope.

2005-11-26T23:04:00.000-06:00

I'm hurting.

But I've decided that I want to be the kind of woman who invites people to live more fully and to be more themselves. You know, nurturing. (am I a woman yet? who knows...)

I don't want to hide.
I don't want to control.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
I don't want to manipulate.

I want to be honest. I want to be who I am and not be ashamed. I want to let myself mess up. I want to listen more. I want to take hold of...everything. I want to quit thinking that what I want is better than what He wants for me. He withholds no good thing from those whose walk is blameless. Well, in Christ, I'm blameless, not in myself. Thank goodness. That's His promise to me, and I'm going to believe it.

"she is responding/beat up and hurting/deserving death/but offerings of life are found instead"

I hurt. Suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us. If I choose to believe this, then this hurt is good. It doesn't feel good, but neither does setting a broken bone.

happy holiday

2005-11-25T21:12:00.000-06:00

So last night I tried to post this blog, but my computer froze (oh the joys of being at home). But it was probably a good thing, because I was maybe a tad emotional.

Ok, well, Thanksgiving so far has not been life shattering, but it hasn't been easy, either. Far from it. This whole thing with my dad sucks. I know, sucks is strong language, but that's how much it sucks. I got upset, I got angry, I cried a lot. A few times. I cried with my brother, and my mom says it's good because it's good for him to see that I'm struggling with this too. Yeah...I think that's about as far as I'm going to let myself go here. Because "A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back." Yeah, Solomon was definitely wise, even though he had like, 700 wives and concubines. I will say, though, that everything going on with my dad makes me want to be single for the rest of my life. But that's enough of that...

So it's the day after Thanksgiving, and our neighbors who are always first to put up decorations have theirs up. It's a giant blow-up santa and a gianter blow-up snowglobe. As my mom and I were driving by, I was like, tomorrow we're taking a picture and she was like, why don't you just do it now, and I was like only if you do it with me, and the result? I now have some crazy candid pictures of me and my mom with the giant santa and snow globe. Yeah, we're cool. There's no denying it. We're thinking about making them our Christmas cards. I don't usually make Christmas cards, but I'd do it just because of these pictures.

Other than all that, I miss my Minnesota friends. And my Indiana friend, and my Texas friend, and my Nebraska friends. I just miss my friends.

Abortion

2005-11-22T17:19:00.000-06:00

Since arriving at the U, I have been bombarded with issues on women's rights, especially in light of abortion. Over and over there have been arguments going back and forth in the MN Daily over whether or not abortion is right, whether or not a fetus is a person, and whether or not Roe vs. Wade should be overturned. And I have to say, I am so frustrated by men and women alike who argue for abortion based soley on a woman's right to choose. And isn't that what all pro-abortion arguments come down to? Choose to live free of health concerns, financial concerns, and lifestyle infringement concerns that come about when a woman is deciding, "should I have an abortion?"

The most recent editorial in the campus paper that has inspired me to voice my frustrations come from a girl who is obviously very passionate about women's rights. I don't fault her for this, but I do have a problem with the reasons she claims gives a woman to choose whether or not to keep her baby. She gives argument for choosing abortion with the following statements:

1. "It is more unsettling when they [the author of the column she is responding to] imply that the decision to terminate a pregnancy is arrived at lightly and just to escape responsibility."

First of all, I must state clearly that I believe that many women who seek to have abortions are evading the responsibility of their actions. Women who ask the questions she poses--"Can she afford this baby?; Will she have enough time to devote to it?; Will she have the support of her husband, boyfriend, or family?"--are, I believe avoiding the responsibiity it takes to care for another human being. I don't deny that it's a huge sacrifice. I spent enough time taking care of my baby brother rather than hanging out with friends when I was younger to know that. I know potty training is disgusting. I know it's difficult to keep an eye on a child every moment in order to ensure his safety, and I know what happens when you fail to do that and suffer the heartache of seeing the child hurt because you weren't there to protect him. It's hard. But abortion is not the answer. Adoption is a viable option, and I would say, it would be wise to ask yourself why you don't want to carry the child to term and then give it up for adoption. Is it because you don't want to mess up your figure or face the reality that this is, in fact, a human being growing inside of you? As an argument against adoption, this girl claims that it is a hard decision to make, whether or not you want your child to be cared for by another person. Maybe so, but if you care enough about your baby to not want another woman to be its mother, how does that justify killing it instead? The logic simply does not line up, and frankly it's selfish.

another statement she makes:

2. "Halverson's column...also sounded generally disapproving of women having intercourse for anything other than procreative purposes, which leads me to wonder about his real motivation for opposing birth control, Plan B, and abortion."

I don't deny that there are people out there who are blatantly anti-sex for any purpose save procreation. Halverson may in fact be one of them. But this is a ridiculous argument for supporting abortion. So I'm going to leave behind all qualms I have about talking about this straight out and be frank: Sex is meant to be pleasurable, and more importantly it is meant to be the culmination of the ultimate covenant between a man and a woman. It is GOOD because God created it, no, I'll go even further, it is PERFECT the way He created it. Did you know that God commands our joy and that includes sex within the boundaries He set up? In creating sex for our pleasure and His glory, He also lovingly created boundaries for the greatest enjoyment of this act. And did it ever occur to you that having sex outside these boundaries actually LESSENS our joy? Think about it--every time you have sex with someone, you give them a piece of yourself, and even if they receive it with care, there's not that trust or security that is more present within a marriage. And everytime you break up with that person, that piece is destroyed. And when you think about it, these boundaries also cover all the consequences (by which I simply mean plausible outcomes) of sex. We are to have sex with only one person in our lifetime, and it is to be between a man and a woman only within the bounds of marriage, a secure relationship where two people have in fact become one, this union being the foundation of family. How does marriage answer the questions considered by pregnant women who are thinking about abortion?
The author of the article asks:
A. Can she afford this baby once it is born? Well, when husband and wife work together, one or both of these jobs contribute to the financial responsibilities. Now, it is my opinion that it is ultimately the husband's responsibility to provide for his family, but I understand not everyone shares that opinion. I, myself, grew up in a household where my mother was the main bread-winner. But, case in point, if there are two people supporting one another in having a child, we can see that there are more resources for greater financial support.
B. Will she have enough time to devote to it? again, with both father and mother present, YES, of course. Not to say it won't be hard or that there isn't great sacrifice involved, but the burden is lightened when shared between two people.
C. Will she have the support of her husband, boyfriend, or family? Now, I have to admit that I don't really have an answer to this objection. If one or both parties in the marriage are not ready for a child, though, I would think that they both would be mature enough (since we assume they were mature enough to enter into a marriage in the first place) to use preventative measures. Here again, there is still responsibility in having sex even within marriage. As to birth control, I am very uninformed about it, and I have definitely heard that some forms are essentially chemically induced abortions, so here I feel compelled to say that I am going to learn more in order to be able to take a more informed stance on this issue.

Despite this third argument, I hold that the evidence suggests that two people who are committed and responsible enough to marry and therefore be in covenant with one another to take care of the other in all circumstances are certainly better equipped to handle a child. I would definitely argue that women were not meant to raise children on their own. And I would add that, in light of all the considerations one must take into account when having a baby, having sex outside of marriage simply because you want to feel good is not only irresponsible but also unloving! It is unloving not to consider any possible children which may result from having sex, and it is unloving to abort said child just because you don't think you can handle the responsibility, even if you come to that decision after a lot of careful deliberation.

So I think I've sounded a little harsh. But I should say, and this is my last comment on this issue, that I do not feel uncompassionate towards women who are single and pregnant and are considering or have already had an abortion, and I do not judge them. It's a hard issue. I don't know what I would do in that same situation. But the thing that keeps me from backing down from my anti-abortion position is my belief in a loving and sovereign God. I believe He alone has the authority to choose whether a not a child should come into this world, because I don't think that a pregnancy is merely the result of two people having sex. I think God is completely in control of whether or not a woman gets pregnant. Having a baby is a huge issue, but it's an issue in which He calls us, as women, to trust Him completely and follow His leading, not to simply go our own way. Because there is a way that seems right to us, but it is a way that leads to death (literally and figuratively). It's no different from any other aspect of life. He values every life, born or unborn. Why should we take the place of God in deciding who should live or who should die based on our convenience? And what gives us the idea that we possess that right? Our bodies are not our own, but are temples of the Living God. There is mercy for women who have made the wrong choice. There is forgiveness and compassion and love. And there is help for those who are at the point of making the decision.

2005-11-21T00:07:00.001-06:00

http://www.myspace.com/jeffmathena

So, you ought go to this site and listen to this kid. I knew him from high school and I haven't talked to him since a random run-in at 7:22 my freshman year of college. I listened, and I couldn't believe how stinkin' good he is. It's amazing where people end up after high school. Not that we've arrived anywhere yet.

Psalm 143.

useless knowledge

2005-11-20T14:52:00.000-06:00

"I beg you / do something / learn a dance step / something to justify your existence / something that gives you the right / to be dressed in your skin in your body hair / learn to walk and to laugh / because it would be too senseless / after all / for so many to have died / while you live / doing nothing with your life." - Charlotte Delbo (Auschwitz survivor)

Charlotte Delbo speaks very much of what she calls "useless knowledge" - that is, knowledge about things, in her case her experiences in Auschwitz, that destroy hope and make your life irrelevant to the world. Her writings shed a lot of light on our everyday proceedings, worries, and interactions, and for me, specifically, I am convicted by what she says. What good is my life if I waste it on myself? What good am I if I do not battle for the poor, the fatherless, the widows, the oppressed (not just the physically or politically oppressed, but the spiritually oppressed as well)? Is this not a charge, a command from God? And it's not just old testament, it's in James and 1 Peter to name a couple.

what am I living for? that question is essential. it brings us back to the Cross. It challenges us to look beyond everyday annoyances. Why? First and foremost, because of what Jesus did. Second, because most of the people groups in the 1040 window (that is, the groups of the most unreached peoples in the world) are POOR. They are destitute. As the entire universe wrapped up in Jesus Christ has been freely given to me with all its resources, so should I freely give. May it NEVER be that I hoard my blessings, even from those whom I, at first glance, would not judge worthy of them. Because my heart is judgmental, selfish, I don't naturally WANT to spend the time it takes to care for another person. In Christ alone do I have any capability to forsake the sinfulness of my heart in order to meet the needs of others for the glory of God. Not that I think (authentic) Christians are the only ones who defend the cause of the oppressed. Unfortunately I think that too often we aren't doing our job in that area. But I think, too, that it is essential to meet not only temporal needs, but eternal ones, because that is what God desires.

Isaiah 58 comes to mind...if God will work that out in my life, and let me be part of spreading a passion for this kind of living for the end goal of getting to God in Jesus Christ, then I think I could say confidently that by His grace I've not wasted my life. I am speaking out of a week's worth of serious conviction and total dependence, because I don't think I can live up to this unless He's with me, fighting for me, loving me, and calling me to Himself. When I think about this, knowing this is how God wants us to live our lives, I don't understand how Christianity can seem boring. I mean, come on, this is adventure! It's exciting! Not sacrifice, but joy! And so I end with a resounding YESSSSSSSS!!!!

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field." Matthew 13:44

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith-- that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death..." Philippians 3:7-10

all too soon, things pass

2005-11-16T00:57:00.000-06:00

Well, it's 1 AM and I'm tired, but I have to write. This past weekend, as I wrote before I was a little worried about how it would turn out, like my expectations were going to exceed the experience, but in fact the opposite happened. I don't think I could love a group of people more, and what joy to celebrate with them at the wedding! Yeah, it was just a sweet time of encouragement.

THEN, as if that wasn't enough, I got to go to the David Crowder/Shane & Shane concert. It was so great, although I have to say it, even, was a step down from the weekend. Maybe half a step, because of the people I went with and then the other people I went to Perkins with afterward. New thought (though, perhaps, not so new): I love people, wait, better yet, 1 Peter 1:22: Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth, so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from a [pure] heart." Yeah, that says it better. Life is moving at an incredible pace, lately. I'm ok with that, but I also long to savor the moments. Like when Crowder and the Shanes and Robbie Seay all came out to end the concert with the bluegrass section, or dancing with everyone at the reception, or talking with the girls until 2:30 on Friday night even though we were all dead tired, or our really fun conversation at Perkins tonight...where do these moments go, and why do they go so fast? Which leads to another question: what will eternity, a place without end, a place with no boundaries between me and God be like? It's too crazy to think about!
Life moves too fast, and yet too slow:

what joy is this I find in You?
what life did you invite me to?
this all-surpassing joy I find,
it comes from You, abides in You
Your call makes life alive
and I can't sleep another moment
waiting in anticipation
anxious for the culmination
HOW MUCH LONGER LORD?
HOW MUCH LONGER?
When will I see you face to face,
nothing in between...
bring me to this place
and thank you for the taste you give
in moments like these
it's satisfies, intensifies my longings.
...just let me see You, Jesus, let me see your face

2005-11-11T00:58:00.000-06:00

I feel a little bit exposed. some friends and I actually talked about our blogs tonight. it's weird, isn't it? it doesn't seem like people actually read this until they say something about it and then you're just like...wow, people read this. Crazy. It almost makes me want to censor what I write, but I won't.

So tomorrow I see my EA team again for the first time since China. I cannot stinkin' wait! How crazy is it to see these 15 amazing people again. I wonder how it will be different. Will I be disappointed? Maybe, simply because I've built it up so much. But then, maybe not. They are some sweet brothers and sisters. The question now is, why am I still awake?

Another thing: it's funny how sad things can be when a routine gets messed up. I never really thought I was much of a routine kind of person. anyway, I'm done thinking tonight. I just can't anymore. If I do, I'll think too much.

Two Things

2005-11-09T22:58:00.000-06:00

1) Praise God and our Lord Jesus Christ for my beautiful believing roommates

2) Go through, go through the gates; prepare the way for the people; build up, build up the highway; clear it of stones; lift up a signal over the peoples; 11Behold, the LORD has proclaimed to the end of the earth: Say to the daughter of Zion,"Behold, your salvation comes; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him." 12And they shall be called The Holy People, The Redeemed of the LORD; and you shall be called Sought Out, A City Not Forsaken. from Isaiah 62

My Favorites

2005-11-09T14:57:00.000-06:00

So, as I was walking the five blocks home from my bus stop today, I realized that one of my favorite things to do is look at the sky. Especially on days like this. Have you ever noticed how the sky doesn't actually look real, it looks more like a painting? It implicitly points to something greater...at least, to me.

I not only love the sky on clear days during the daytime (or on stormy days, for that matter...storms are amazing! Have you ever been out in the middle of nowhere watching a storm? Or out on the beach? Wow, is it incredible.) Anyway, I also LOVE looking at the stars. But, the bad thing about the Cities is that you can't see many. And really, I've only seen stars in the way I love to see them once, when my family went to Yosemite National Park. Nighttime came, and I could not believe how incredibly beautiful the sky was. Now, when I think about it (because at the time I was not following Jesus, so I didn't think this at the time), I can't believe that my beautiful God did all of that! So, needless to say, I would LOVE to go back to Yosemite, or any national park, really but especially Yosemite, someday and see it again, for the first time. That would be in my top five dream vacations-camping at Yosemite.

Other Observations of Late:

So I had a short conversation with a friend yesterday, and one of the things I love about our conversations is that we talk about scripture and theology and apologetics AND this person chanllenges me! So they're becoming one of my favorite people to talk to because our friendship I think embodies the kind of friendship described in Hebrews 10:24-25 - "And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

I think the reason why I love conversations like this so much is because they are just so rich, so full of the things that really matter, and they are weighty and hard to think about sometimes, yes, but how sweet it is to think on the things of God, the glory of Christ, and be filled by the Holy Spirit through talks like this. I love it in a gushy, excited, overflowing kind of way. I can't help it. :) Praise God for His work in the life of this friend, and honestly, in the lives of my other friends too. His work has just been so apparent to me in each of their lives. It's such a blessing to see this. Anyway...I bet everybody who reads this is wondering who this friend is. Well, I won't tell. Far be it from me to single anyone out so publicly. It might embarrass them...

Captivating

2005-11-05T20:51:00.000-06:00

battered, beaten, bruised I came to You
hardly breathing, barely able,
hiding
it hurt so much to finally say what was going on with me
I was so afraid...
and You offered life
I was wasting away, but You gave me hope

No I am not yet what I long to be,
but I am underway
restoration has begun.

this morning I was given probably the best compliment I could ever get. I was having coffee with a new friend and we were talking about God and I paused and said that He is the most important thing to me. And she said, "you know, before I ever really talked to you, I knew that."

Can you believe that? I thought I was going to burst with happiness!! What a thing to have said to you! I'm in love, and it's obvious.

I just find myself praising Him for the rest I have in Him:

"They looked to Him and were radiant." (Psalm 34:5 NKJV)

I was listening to this song, Stars by David Crowder, and these lyrics just stuck out to me again:

I've got nothin' on my own to give to You
but this Light that shines on me, shines on You
and makes everything beautiful again

And then I had another thought, in thinking about my dad and the ex-boyfriend and just my longing to be pursued, and how, a couple of summers ago I was looking for a passage where God is pursuing me, and He showed me, it's there--He has a passionate longing for me like I have for Him! Isaiah 62:

1For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
and for Jerusalem's sake I will not be quiet,
until her righteousness goes forth as brightness,
and her salvation as a burning torch...
4You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
and your land shall no more be termed Desolate,
but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,
and your land Married;[d]
for the LORD delights in you,
and your land shall be married.
5For as a young man marries a young woman,
so shall your sons marry you,
and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
so shall your God rejoice over you.

I am so taken with this passage. I keep coming back to it. I might not get what my heart longs for (specifically a husband), but I will always have my deepest longing, Him my Husband. He knew it, He speaks into the very thing I long for. And it frees me to love! It gives me the passion and energy to run the race, and I don't have to be ashamed.

an answer to the questions

2005-11-05T02:33:00.000-06:00

Well, as I sit here, it is 2:30 in the morning, can't sleep because I drank too much diet coke, and there's maybe just too much going on in my head.

So, briefly: I went to my endocrinologist today (that's a doctor who specializes in the endocrine system, of which diabetes is in the realm), and it was my first time. I signed up to see a woman, but I was first interviewed by, basically, an intern type doctor (not a resident, I think he was a full doctor, but still a man) and so I got to be asked all the embarrassing questions by him. It's ok, I got through the awkward moment, but there was one question which I have always of late been asked which always turns out some kind of funny. That is, 'do you drink alcohol?' Of course, I say no, and he says 'really?' Of course he doesn't believe me at first. But then I had to say, 'oh wait, I have had some alcohol, but after a few sips I was thoroughly disgusted, so I drank diet coke. diet coke is my alcohol.' That's what I said. And he kind of laughed...and there you go. Maybe it wasn't so funny as it was awkward and very likely suprising to him. Anyway, so there's my story, on to more profound thinking.

The questions I asked myself came together in an answer this afternoon. Of course, the answer to all those questions could be summed up like this: "Christ is most precious, most valuable, most beautiful to me...and by His grace, that will NEVER change no matter what happens in life...Christ is ALL." There was, however, another answer, which I think was God's way of telling me, hey, I know you're messy, I love you anyway, come back to Me. And it was, of course, from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Good book...I admit, there are a couple of times where it gets so cheesy that I cringe, but most of it I read and wonder if they were stalking me before they wrote this book because that's how much it describes my longings, my heart, my life. It's a long part, so I won't write it, but, wow...it was just good. Nourishing. It made me feel not crazy that I'm so passionate and, well, fierce in my devotion, above all to Christ Jesus but to other things as well. Like my family, my friends, my convictions. Ok, all those things center around God anyway. But sometimes that scares me, because I don't want to be swept away in my emotions, I want to hold to the Truth. But I believe God gave us a heart, a tender and fierce heart (and I'm speaking specifically about women now, I don't really understand men's hearts too well), He gave us a heart to LOVE others and with the desire to BE LOVED by Him first of all, but also by one 'him'. This is basically from Captivating, and the book talks a lot about relationships which is why it's been on my mind so much lately.

I feel ready for anything, and not so much like an idiot as before.

I also saw the movie Crash tonight. It was intense...eye opening. and heartbreaking. I know it's just a movie, but it was a movie that was meant to say something about who we are, just as people. It talks mainly about racism...not just the traditional white people against everyone, but everyone against everyone. And it hurt to watch it. It made me think about who I hang out with, why I hang out with them, why I'm scared to walk alone at night, and while granted, walking alone at night as a girl IS dangerous, still...I don't know. God is growing my heart for the nations. I was talking to a friend tonight about business (yeah, me talking about business, weird, but it's a true story) and we were talking about how China and India are the next big ones, which I believe, I was in one of those countries this summer and I see it, especially because, personally, I think that they're more hardworking as a whole, but yeah. It is obvious that God is moving there. And I LONG to be part of it. I long to spread a passion to others to be part of it. Which leads me to believe even further that EdgeCorps would be a good decision. And also, I need to know more about what's going on in the world, so I'm thinking of subscribing at least to a newspaper or something. We don't have cable, so none of the all the time news stations are a possibility. I don't know. I'm getting random here.

For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. 8If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. Romans 14

questions I have to ask myself today

2005-11-04T15:07:00.000-06:00

there are questions I have to ask myself today:

1) is Jesus enough?
2) can I let go?
3) will I let God be my Isaiah 62?
4) will I live passionately, singly for His glory, no matter whether I live for 60 more years or die tomorrow, whether I am single for the rest of my life or whether I get married, whether I go on staff with Navs or work in an office...

I could go on. In the face of disappointment, brokenness, hurt, joy, blessing, hardships, persecution, trials, abundance, desolation...will I open my heart and ask God to be the One who keeps me breathing?

He's calling me to more! What is this? I don't get, I can't explain this. What is it that's been happening in my heart the past couple of months? What is this transformation?

He hems me in so that I might WAIT for Him, because He is better than a husband, better than an earthly dad, better than being super skinny and beautiful, better than always getting good grades, better than a nice house, better than always getting what I want

He is better. What is this joy?

2005-11-03T23:22:00.000-06:00

so sometimes I feel like an idiot...today would be one of those days.

2005-11-03T04:12:00.000-06:00

1O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
2So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
3Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
4So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.

5My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
6when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
7for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
8My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
Psalm 63:1-8

Maybe because it's 4 in the morning and I'm writing a paper and I'm tired and all that, maybe that's why now, at this very moment, I feel so deeply this passage. my soul faints for You, O God, my soul clings to You.

My first instinct is to reject that, but in thinking more, I embrace that. I am not a morning person, or an all-nighter person anymore, and so I am at the end of myself as I write this. I was so frustrated earlier, I was almost frantic because I had such a strong inclination against all productivity, but praise God for His mercy in ordaining that a friend would call and through her He would set me straight again. He used this fellowship for His glory, He calmed my untrusting, panic-ridden heart and whispered once again to let Him love me. For the past couple of weeks I have really been experiencing that love, and so my heart resonates with David's as he declares that the Lord our God's love is better than life. And here I am, still in my sinful self which admittedly does NOT always say that, but by His grace I can say it now and that satisfies me to the very depths but at the same time awakens such a longing, because I know that there is so much more of Him to know and experience and understand and love.

So let my passion be single, let it always grow more single for You God, let me continue to run with abandonment, there is so much freedom here! Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer, search me and know me to see if there is any way in me that is offensive to You and rid me of it for Your namesake.

"You find me. When I'm hiding behind all my disguises you see me, it takes You to keep me breathing, You are heart, passion, vision..."

2005-11-02T16:05:00.000-06:00

So I was going through my journal, and I found these from this summer, and I wrote them kind of as prayers. but yeah...I'm just going to say, God has been faithful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I want to walk forever
And let the hurt I know
just melt away
escape the heaviness that comes with this
feeling,
maybe, maybe today
I'll fly free from all the circumstances
Or maybe tomorrow it'll happen

Sooner or later, tomorrow or today
Just let it be today, let it be today

O God, why can't I find you?
Why do I run away
I know you want to heal this hurting
If only I could stay kneeling
At your feet, at the cross
If only I could stay resting
In your arms
Maybe today, maybe today
Maybe tomorrow it'll happen
Sooner or later, tomorrow or today

Just let it be today, let it be today

(written 08/17)

all my doubt is in vain
when You peel away
at all the layers I use
to hide who I really am
from You
(who am I kidding, I can't hide)
and I'm surprised to find
You still love me, You still love me,
You still love me
I was never enough, but You still covered me
You still cover me

even though I see the mess
I won't begin to understand
how great is Your salvation
the length of Your salvation
the heights of Your salvation-
with all the sin still hiding there,
Your blood covers me.

(written 8/16)

musings

2005-11-02T11:58:00.000-06:00

the best days are the days when you run into friends you haven't seen for awhile, when someone calls you just to talk and see how you're doing, and when you realize that there is a place where your heart is leading you...

So, I was talking to my friend Kat(i)e today (I ran into her on my way to work) and I told her how I feel my heart going towards EdgeCorps. It was exciting to tell her this, and to realize that God is answering my prayer to show me the next step. I hadn't really thought about EdgeCorps seriously before. I wanted to go straight into overseas missions. But God knew better, and I am finding that I really don't have to try to love investing in women, it's a fruit of the Spirit that God is producing by increasing my love for, trust in, and overall relationship with Him! It's about Jesus first! That's what makes me love my relationships with these girls God has put in my life.

One really exciting aspect of this is that this knowledge has been in my head for quite some time, but now it's pouring into my heart. I've seen a lot how a lot of this knowledge has been present in my intellect for a while before I REALLY get it. It simmers there for sometimes a long time, and I wonder what the purpose of letting it sit there for so long is. Wait, here's a thought: maybe now, when I am almost always at the end of myself and running in desperation for God so that I feel how only He can fulfill my longings, maybe that's what God has been doing in order to prepare me for the works He had already prepared in advance for me to do. He needed to break me down and remove the walls I've built up all my life around my heart. I was ok with needing Him, but only on my terms.

I talk as if this is something I've accomplished fully...but it isn't. I am afraid of the times in the future when I know I will have to relearn this lesson and learn for the first time a million new ones. I like being in this place: dependent, needy, reliant on God alone, falling madly in love with Him as my Creator, Sustainer, Father, Savior. This is the fruit of waiting on Him. This is Psalm 37:4!! HE is my desire, my delight. Where did this come from? How did I go from pursuing everything the world sought to entice me with to running hard after the Savior? There's no explanation for it, other than that I have BEEN MADE NEW BY THE HOLY SPIRIT!

This is a redeemed end to the abandonment of my dad, the rejection of old friends, and failing Greek! Let it keep going. That's what I want, if it means more of Jesus, then that's what I want. Let all of my worldly pursuits fail me and crush me if that means seeing more of Him. It's not that I like suffering, it's just that I love God so much. "For to me, to live is Christ, to die is gain."

2005-11-02T00:03:00.000-06:00

today I felt with new depth the eternity that has been set on my heart.

I think, based on a comment made last night, that a deeper passion is not necessarily a louder one, that sometimes a quieter passion hold more sway.

I am so completely in love with my Jesus. I can't explain it any other way. It might sound weird, but what else could this depth of feeling be? He is the end to every desire.

There was a survivor of the Holocaust who came in and spoke to our class today. She was in Auschwitz for 6 months, and then Bergen-Belsen for 6 weeks. Both her parents, her brother, and her husband survived with her. What struck me was that she kept saying it was by pure luck that she survived. She couldn't explain it...but as I listened to her, I saw the guidance of God in it. Especially as she described the death march from Auschwitz to Bergen-Belsen, and then compared it to a charity walk she did some years later- a 20 mile endeavor. She said after the charity walk, her feet hurt so bad, and she was so tired, even with the breaks and the water and juice and the most comfortable shoes she had to wear, and a hot bath to soak her feet in afterward. And then she said, as she was soaking in her bath, all she could think was how did she ever survive the walk from Auschwitz to Bergen, when then she had none of the comforts present at the charity walk. She couldn't explain it. She was SO CLOSE to seeing! And then she said, it must have been the pure instinct of survival. I wanted to weep. She did not see...and that moment of "how could I have survived" was a moment when I know God must have been speaking to her. But she did not see.

I feel such a burden for the lost. A heavy weight. And I want them to know the joy that is found only in Christ.

2005-10-29T02:46:00.000-05:00

what to say, what to say.

Life is confusing, Jesus is beautiful. I am nothing.

Blinders came up in a conversation today, and I don't think I really have them anymore (I'm not sure about the correctness of this doctrine, but at least ultimately Jesus has taken them away), but there are still these small pleasures I cling to. Sometimes I feel trapped by them, actually, most of the time.

I don't really know what's going on with my heart, either.

What I do know is that I know, thanks to the work of the Holy Spirit, that God is so much more gratifying, satisfying, joy-giving than anything else, and I know that in my deepest core and when I begin to turn to these small pleasures I can feel the emptiness more than I ever felt it before. I long for something more, Someone GREAT.

There is often this struggle that wages within me
and I turn and reach for every option presented to me, in desperation
grasping for the closest thing to cling to--
a stone, a root, a vine to keep from being swept away
to stay afloat - but it's not enough
the thing I reach for evades me
just a little further than arm's length away;
it devastates me.
until I look and see the Hand of One whom I call Savior-
He was the one pulling stone and root and vine out of reach
so that I could reach His hand, so I would see that He would pull me up and save me.
He brought me to the very edge to save me, to show me
I struggled against Him for so long, I thought I could save myself,
but I was wrong, and it took the water's depth to change me.

paper writing

2005-10-26T00:02:00.000-05:00

Well...

I'm feeling frustrated and disoriented and unorganized. I had this paper due today, and it's on two Holocaust memoirs books I've read for my History of the Holocaust class. It's a good class, but sometimes it's just really hard to learn about. But that, in turn, is why it's a good class to take. We need to know and see and deal with the evil side of human nature. I'm not just going to make myself oblivious to the hard things in life while there are others in the world who suffer. That's one thing I'm seeing about the Holocaust-it wasn't a one time event. People hate other people enough to kill all the time. We need to know so we can fight against it.

but, the downside of all this good learning is the intense paper writing, which I am having crazy trouble with right now. Unfortunately, grades do matter in a university. We don't learn for learning's sake, we learn to get a degree and therefore the right to function in the world. Normally, paper writing is pretty easy for me. I suck at math and science, but give me a paper to write any day. Not this time. Ideas are refusing to formulate. and it doesn't help that I've been a little bit distracted the past few days.

I can't focus!

However, I will push on. Lack of sleep will not daunt me. The long day ahead will pass by soon enough, Thursday (a day I always look forward to) will be here, it will all be over, and I will have written what is probably my 50th paper in my college career. No joke. What can I say? Being long-winded, and being able to control it at that, can be a good thing.

another thought: in one of the memoirs the author, Charlotte Delbo, writes a lot of poetry. I write poetry, too, but I would never publish it or make it available in any way shape or form to the public because usually when I go back and read it I feel very embarrassed for myself ever having written something so not good. heaven forbid that someone ever find my secret stash of past journals. Delbo's poetry is good though. But look at what she's been through. there's nothing trivial about her life. she deals with weighty things.

And, on a sillier note, my roommates and I are going to be presenting a very fun talent on Thursday night (the annual Nav Halloween/talent night). We will be doing our very own rendition of A Whole New World from Disney's Aladdin. I, of course, will be singing the part of Aladdin, because I am the only roommate who's crazy enough to parody a man. yeah...well I used to do theater. I'm really excited though, because the plan is turning into a very elaborate scheme. :)

2005-10-24T01:06:00.000-05:00

Once again: My Jesus is FAITHFUL.

16Rejoice always, 17pray without ceasing, 18give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 19Do not quench the Spirit. 20Do not despise prophecies, 21but test everything; hold fast what is good. 22Abstain from every form of evil. 23Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

Yes, He who calls you is faithful; He WILL surely do it. I should never cease giving thanks to Him. This morning at church my pastor was talking about Galatians 2:1-10, and he outlined basically Paul's missions calling (the sermon was book-ending Missions' week). There are so many amazing things about Paul's calling, one of the main ones being that Paul's calling to missions was his conversion--that is, his face to face with Jesus. And as my friend so beautifully put it, when you see Jesus the way Paul did you can't HELP but go and spread the good news (that was a paraphrase, of course). This summer the Lord asked me to lay my desire in His hands, to lay it down completely, and since then my passion for the nations has only grown. It was because I was trying to control it. But God has the control now, and I can't wait to see where He takes me, and when. And I'm ok if it's a long time from now.

Another really cool thing is that I think there's a way for me to graduate on time now, despite troubles with Greek. But still, if the Lord wants me to stay another year, I will. I don't know, basically it just involves me switching my major to history, so we'll see what happens.

Today was just a sweet time with Jesus. I don't know why. As in, His mercy is unfathomable to me. But it's so good to praise Him. It's funny though, because at Vespers tonight, I got this feeling, in the middle of awesome worship, that I just didn't want it to end there. I mean, it's so good just to enjoy God, but I want to labor for Him. I mean, I don't know how to explain it, other than referring back to the sermon this morning. But I want, above all, my passion for Jesus' name and renown and glory in the hearts of all people to spread to other women, who will in turn become laborers. Wow. How did I get here? (Obvious answer: transformation by salvation). It's good. My life right now reminds me of John 16:33:

33I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus"...I mean, just looking at my last post, yeah, I'm a person, what's more, I'm a girl, NOT perfect, circumstances and moods swing back and forth, my heart is wayward and unfaithful, yet through it all, Christ is Lord over it, He guides me through everything even when I'm being stupid and God shows Himself to be sovereign and good over it all. Yeah...wow. I kneel in awe. Beautiful. :)

2005-10-19T22:23:00.000-05:00

I want to pray more, and I want to be a better prayer. This is a long-term goal. Because I don't think it's going to happen overnight, obviously...it takes time to really grow in stuff like this.

I know one thing I need to do is listen...not control. Sometimes I think I put up a wall when it comes to listening to God. Again with the mistrust. Geez. It's gotta end somewhere. Heaven. Can't wait for that day.

So, I experienced a wide range of emotions today, and I'm going to try to list them off in order, but without explanation:

excitement
warm-ish, happy thing...not sure how to describe it, really
conviction
frustration
boredom
conviction
anticipation
disappointment
conviction
anger
very happy
annoyance
embarrassment
anger
sadness
relief
excitedness
pensiveness
nervous...

this list shows a couple of things:
1) I over-analyzed myself today
2) there's apparently a lot going on
3) maybe I'm bi-polar? I don't really think that, because most of these emotions weren't that extreme. Lots of girls have mood swings.

Needless to say, I'm glad today is over, I hope tomorrow will be fresh (with new mercy), and now I'm ending this post that I'm sure makes no sense to anyone but me (or perhaps those involved in any of the aforementioned emotions, but that chance is slim to none).

2005-10-13T22:49:00.000-05:00

So today, another blow. I can't believe I'm about to write this on my very public blog.

I got my Greek midterm back today, and I failed it. Like, literally failed it. And to top off the lovely feeling of an F going down for 30% of my grade, my professor wrote:

"I know you don't want to drop this class, but I just don't think you can pass at this point."

Nice, huh? Actually, she was really nice and really helpful, so I have no bitterness towards her. So after we talked and I told her why I couldn't drop the class, we came up with the solution that I not officially drop it, but that I just not go and get a crash course in last year's Greek from a grad student, in order to catch up. So I will be completing my ancient language requirement for my major nontraditionally, and I will not graduate in May. Hopefully, if I can do my senior paper this year still, I will be able to graduate during the summer. But I don't know.

And I cried. I prayed that I would not cry while I was still talking to my prof, and my Lord answered that prayer with a yes, but afterward I sat down on a secluded bench and bawled. I also called my mom, which helped a ton, because I was so worried what she was going to say. But once again she pulled through and was supportive and encouraging and told me not to worry about the money. My mother is amazing, a godsend. After I talked to my mom, I sat down in a coffee shop and received more comfort from the Lord, and I realized that 1) this is not me failing and Him having to redo His plans, this is His plan A, i.e. He is in control over this situation; and 2) He is leading me to better places than where my own plans were leading me. He gave me Joshua 3:3-4:

"giving orders to the people: "When you see the ark of the covenant of the LORD your God, and the priests, who are Levites, carrying it, you are to move out from your positions and follow it. 4 Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before."

Those verses are significant because God used them crazily in my life last year, around this time, actually. Funny, huh?

In my failure I am learning to love my Jesus more. So really, this thing that is frustrating and hard is so good. It doesn't really feel so great right now, especially since I don't think I've ever worked harder in a class, BUT God is using this to reveal His glory more fully in me and to me.

On top of this, He's challenging me to love Him more than anything else. And I mean, choosing Him over say, food, or attention from guys or the myriad of other things that I struggle with. Life is hard, but I can say with boldness and confidence that it is for God's glory and my joy. Thank You! It's only by His grace that I can even think that. And another passage that God spoke to me this morning (before it all happened):

1Paul, Silas[a] and Timothy,
To the church of the Thessalonians in God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ:

2Grace and peace to you from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
Thanksgiving and Prayer
3We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing. 4Therefore, among God's churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.

5All this is evidence that God's judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering. 6God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you 7and give relief to you who are troubled, and to us as well. This will happen when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven in blazing fire with his powerful angels. 8He will punish those who do not know God and do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. 9They will be punished with everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the majesty of his power 10on the day he comes to be glorified in his holy people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. This includes you, because you believed our testimony to you.

11With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. 12We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.

So, that was long, but isn't that crazy? He's perfect, with perfect timing, perfect words. He knows just the right way to love me. I can't wait for heaven. Really. An eternity with the Almighty who loves me and cares for me and delights in me...an eternity of praising this God who sacrificed His own glorious Son for me, an undeserving sinner? Yeah, I'm up for it.

Ultimate joy is not comfort in this life, but an eternity praising the Holy One of Israel.

2005-10-11T22:17:00.000-05:00

I have been challeneged to live for a single purpose today.

Do I dare?
Do I risk rejection, pain
hardships, failure,
being thought foolish--
for something more?
I do, I do, I do!
With all my heart I say yes,
with all my heart, by Your grace,
I say yes.
Give me grace today, give me grace today
break me more today
to shine through me more today
and let me see Your glory
because You are life and breath
and more than everything I need.

I want my life to count for His glory. I think I've probably said that before, but today I feel it with a reawakened passion. This time it's serious. I won't settle for tin anymore, I want the gold.

Where would I be without You?

2005-10-10T23:32:00.000-05:00

I have to admit that I feel a little desperate right now, because the world isn't enough and yet I catch myself still trying to make it enough. And as my friend Marilyn likes to say, trying to let the world's offerings fill the hole in your heart is like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a bucket of water. It just doesn't work.

And I'm learning, oh I'm learning. I went to a whole weekend of talks on suffering and the sovereignty of God. Seeing and hearing people who have suffered things I can't even imagine still talking about the goodness and mercy and absolute sovereign control of God brings to me, by God's grace, hope. And hope does not disappoint us. No, hope is being sure of what we have yet to see. Hope is God in Jesus Christ. It cannot be defined any other way.

"Oh that we may not live glibly, flippantly, superficially, but rather in the weight of the glory of God, the indescribable beauty of our Lord, and the all-surpassing joy of His presence through Jesus Christ."

My God is big enough to handle me. My Jesus is merciful enough to bring me to suffer with Him. And I will not buy into the lie that He is not behind every detail, painful and pleasurable, for the purpose of more fully revealing to me His glory, which is my joy.

And now the question is, where do I go from here? How can my life be radically changed because of what He has revealed to me this weekend? Because I can't go on like before, things again have changed. I'll wait for Him, I think, because I think He'll tell me.

growing up

2005-10-05T23:47:00.000-05:00

So my mom was in town today (on business) all the way from Atlanta. So she came over and took me to the Mall of America for dinner at Tucci Bertuch and new running shoes. We had a pretty good talk, though nothing new was really said, except that I agreed to be my brother's beneficiary in case something ever happened to her. That's a crazy thing to agree to, especially since I'd really like to believe my mom will never die. That's what happens when your parents get divorced, I guess.

The visit was so short, too. just five hours. that wasn't enough time. Every time I see her I feel so helpless, I feel small and burdensome. I want to be problem free so as not to add to the other problems in her life. I love her so much, I love my brother so much. I love my sister and dad too, but it's a little harder to do that right now. And when she left my house tonight, I cried. Which makes me wonder, will I ever grow up? And am I really supposed to be in Minnesota right now, so far away from them? It's at this point that I must make the observation that right as I am at the point of reaching real adulthood and independence, I am wishing I could be little again, I wish just to be mothered by my mom. And moreso, I wish for my dad to be a dad, and to quit being so stinkin' selfish to take responsibility and to start being a man! He's the kind of guy that makes me lose hope for ever finding a good one...or a good one ever finding me. My mom deserved better than that. I'm afraid to allow myself to hope for that. And that's where I need to trust God. He deserves for all my hope to be placed in Him. And He asks me to give Him all my hurt. He's the Redeemer for a reason. And I just have to let Him show me that.

Psalm 143
My Soul Thirsts for You
A Psalm of David.

1Hear my prayer, O LORD; give ear to my pleas for mercy! In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness. 2Enter not into judgment with your servant,for no one living is righteous before you. 3For the enemy has pursued my soul; he has crushed my life to the ground;he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.

4Therefore my spirit faints within me; my heart within me is appalled.

5I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands. 6I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah

7Answer me quickly, O LORD! My spirit fails! Hide not your face from me, lest I be like those who go down to the pit. 8Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,

for in you I trust.

Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. 9Deliver me from my enemies, O LORD! I have fled to you for refuge! 10Teach me to do your will,for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground! 11For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life! In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble! 12And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant.

2005-10-03T23:05:00.000-05:00

well, another night, another moment avoiding Greek homework, which I will resume after posting this blog.

today I was convicted on some of the reasons why I love God. There's still so much of me that wants the value of my salvation to be centered around me. It's like the selfishness never ends. but I was reading the introduction of this book, and I was totally just pierced by the Holy Spirit. but it's good to be convicted like that. hard but good. I hope it will stay that way. May He expel all pride and selfish ambitions.

I was also encouraged, because God used me (again) when I was completely unprepared (all the more for His glory). So, yeah...it's exciting for God to fulfill His purpose in me. He uses the foolish to shame the wise, and the stink if I'm not foolish. I'm completely blessed to be living among the community of believers I live among. and it's exciting to see the knowledge of what joy it is to glorify Him in the hearts of younger believers. it's nights like this where I am absolutely positive that I could do this my whole life. I really want to. I want to invest in women for the glory of God. It's so funny how the more you focus on loving God and less on what to do to please God, the clearer your vision gets on how to glorify Him. and I think that's because the relationship is what makes glorifying Him possible. You can't do first. You have to love first. It's a simple concept that is really hard to grasp. I already know I'm going to have to relearn it a million times in my life, but I'm ok with that because I like learning things from God. He's a good teacher.

Greek

2005-10-02T16:01:00.000-05:00

when I sit down to do Greek homework, the following things inevitably happen:

1) I check my email obsessively
2) I visit facebook and check for messages obsessively
3) I play Spider Solitaire
4) I check away messages...obsessively
5) I take a power nap
6) I translate about half of the assignment

All in all, I would say that this is the behavior of a frustrated student who all of a sudden just can't read Greek. Because I don't want to. It's all stinkin' Greek to me.

2005-10-01T00:59:00.000-05:00

every day is a day you have to engage in battle against the enemy, fighting to believe God's truth, that He loves us and that His love is better than life.

As strongly as I believe that, I find myself fighting to believe that in my heart. Sometimes it's because I just don't want to fight anymore. So I fall back on old things...right when I am content, the Enemy reminds me that, ok, yeah, I do want a relationship and I definitely am not in one and that makes me less worthy as, you know, a 'woman'. When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. That's a quote by one of my favorite guys-Paul. He's second favorite, though. Maybe someday he'll be third favorite.

I definitely used to ask (bitterly) why relationships mattered so much to people, and especially women. I still ask, but now I know it's what God made people for. It's a huge amazing thing that absolutely shouldn't be taken lightly. Honestly, I'm really afraid of that. How could I ever be good enough to handle something like that? I'm way too messy (literally and spiritually/mentally/emotionally). But I'll answer my own question: it's not about how good you are. it's not about me at all. It's about God, about trusting Him, and really giving Him His rightful place at the center of your heart.

Man, everyday we have to fight. Every moment. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. But here's the answer He gave me awhile ago, and here's the answer I'll cling to now:

29 Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. 30 The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, 31 and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." -Deut 1:29-31

God is my hiding place, my refuge.

"When our depravity meets His divinity, it is a beautiful collision." -David Crowder

2005-09-28T18:36:00.000-05:00

So, I just got the new David Crowder CD, Collision (or 3+4=7). Most of today was a bad day, but the music lifted me up. One song in particular, which has been around for a little while but here is what it says:

"From wherever spring arrives to heal the ground...from wherever searching come (the look itself a trace of what we're looking for). So be quiet now and wait. The ocean is growing. The tide is coming in. Here it is...Here is our King. Here is our love. Here is our God who's come to bring us back to Him. He is the One. He is Jesus. And what was said to the rose to make it unfold was said to me here in my chest, so be quiet now and rest. The ocean is growing. The tide is coming. Here it is...He is our King. He is our love. He is our God who's come to bring us back to Him. He is the One. He is Jesus. Majesty. Finally. Here..."

Look at those lyrics, they're amazing. Actually, the whole CD is amazing. And I'm going to the concert...it's going to be, literally, the best concert ever. I know a few men who don't like Crowder (three former Manvel dwellers who are now in various parts of the country to be exact), and to them I say: you are retarded. I can say that, because they know I sister-love them. And plus, I don't think any of them read this. But if they did, there's my disclaimer.

Anyway, I was listening to this song and I had some fairly profound thoughts, but as I was walking home from an intense two hours of Greek translation, those thoughts have since gone out the window that is my mind. So for now, I'll leave it at that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I remembered!

So, I'm noticing that practically the only time I've felt real joy recently is when I am either in church or listening to praise music (mostly I play Shane&Shane and Crowder), and it seems to me that it's because of Him that I am making it through life. It always is, but I feel it especially now. Like with Greek-I've never not been able to do school. It's always been a breeze, for the most part. And I've never felt as stressed as I do now. And that's on top of family, feeling awkward all the time, wanting really to just be invisible and alone, and to top it all off I have seen more of my sin in the past year than I ever wanted to know, and I am dirty. But then, there again is hope: Christ made me clean once and for all when I put my faith in Him, and He is continuing to clean me up until He presents me holy and blameless to His Father, my Father, God, on His day. So, I think, were it not for God, I'd be depressed. Comparing this experience to my last experience with "depression" my junior year of high school, the difference is in this one I have Hope. Hope is Jesus. I will make it through, because I'm being pulled, carried, hugged, kissed, comforted, loved, encouraged and uplifted by the One true God. There is none like Him. Omi-stinkin'-goodness...how does that even work? God's amazing.

I don't know how many people read this or whatever, or the kind of person who reads it. But I guess I really feel like I need to acknowledge any non-believer who might come across this thing. Don't run from Jesus. Don't listen to the world, who's trying to destroy you by any means possible (whether it's hard times or things that seem fun and good at first). In Christ there is life and hope and the best joy you could ever imagine. Seek Him out, from your heart, and you'll find Him. (a good place to start is the book of John in the New Testament)

ok, I've said my peace, I've broken the fourth wall...I'm done.

goodness

2005-09-27T23:33:00.000-05:00

How did God show His goodness to me today? I'm so glad you asked!

Well, I must admit that I started out today fairly tired, and by that I mean super exhausted, and feeling the weight of a paper over my head. I got it done, but the rest of the day was still overshadowed by tiredness. Then, I had another instance of feeling awkward with one of my friends! The conversation was going so well, and then I just started having these awkward pauses. But one relieving part was that it was a girl this time, so now at least I know the awkwardness isn't just in my interactions with males. (This too is all just perception...I don't think anyone notices but me, which is yet another comfort) Still, this led to feeling a little more down, especially since the incident was compounded by tiredness.

Then the "girl thing" set in...I was feeling left out of the dating scene, forgetting my current fear of boys because of the sudden popping up of many couples within my friendship circle. Only a girl could feel two opposite things at the same time. It was forgotten then because of a night class (History of the Holocaust, which isn't exactly something that will lift the spirits), and then a study session for a midterm on Thursday. Then a HUGE weight of tiredness. All in all, I was pretty down. So I started praying, asking God to help me glorify Him in the emptiness I was feeling, confessing a need for some lovin', and He brought to mind this passage:
10 Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear:
Forget your people and your father's house.

11 The king is enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord. Psalm 45:10-11

So basically, God is saying to me, "Morgan, I am enthralled by your beauty, I am your Lord."** WOW. And as if that weren't enough, right after that my mom called me. At just the right time, He provided someone for me to talk to (she even said she felt this urge in the back of her mind to call me and tell me she loved me). Man, God loves me and cares for me. He really knows how to woo a girl and make her feel special. :)

**ok, disclaimer: not that I believe myself to be beautiful, but I'm bowled over by the fact that He does. It seems impossible, but God is a God of the impossible, so you know. I just love it. :)

2005-09-27T09:50:00.000-05:00

I'm in the middle of writing a really heavy paper on perpetrators in the Holocaust. So what do I do? Take a break and create a group on Facebook. Yup...

2005-09-26T01:18:00.000-05:00

alright, sometimes I am just embarrassed to be myself. that's self-centered, but it's true. so, here's my own version of self-help: "deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Me [Jesus]." All other self-help, (i.e. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough books, the power of me books, groups, etc) is an oxy-moron. I personally think the only One able to understand me enough to fix me is Jesus. That conclusion comes from years of experience trying to fix myself, others trying to fix me, using others to fix myself.

I should either be asleep right now, or finishing my book that I need to write a 6 page paper on by Tuesday. instead, I write. See where procrastination is coming in? At least this time I will have read the entire book that I am writing my paper on. I think that's a first...

needing a break

2005-09-25T14:44:00.000-05:00

Ok, so, I've started receiving comments on my blog here and there, once every blue moon, sporatically, etc...and it is interesting to see the kind of comments I get. For instance, the latest one, written by someone who I think agrees with my theological views, but I really can't be sure, because their message didn't make much sense to me. Maybe it was all the big words used...and there were some doosies. Of course, my roommate recently told me that she's noticed I have an amazingly large vocabulary, to which my next comment was, "hey, are we going to that thing with the thing?"...and I swear I didn't say this on purpose, I just couldn't think of any words.

And just to add to my random and for once not so deep thoughts not by Jack Handey...I love my friends. I think of especially two right now, both women, with whom I laugh so much BUT we can still be serious. Those are the best kinds of relationships, I think. Because I trust them, they trust me, and it's just nice. (Gosh, I'm such a girl.)

heavy

2005-09-24T20:09:00.000-05:00

So, I've had some major serious thoughts since the semester started...and before that too, due to recent family issues which have arisen and blown my world to bits. Funny, considering I saw it coming and even looked forward to it, but somehow it's so much harder now that it is. It has been commented on how it's good that it happened now, because I'm an adult so it causes less impact emotionally than if I were a child. To this I say, not even. But I digress...

So there's this quote by Pascal that a friend brought up: "We run heedlessly toward the abyss after placing blinders in our way to prevent us from seeing it." [this is a paraphrase.] And it just makes me think of how merciful God was to remove the blinders and see the horrors of where I was headed. And I find, in my recent familial suffering, as well as witnessing the suffering of the victims of Katrina and now Rita, that when we see suffering we are made acutely aware of the horrors of our sin (yes, even in the case of natural disasters), and it leads us to a knowledge that YES evil does exist and YES there must be something that counteracts it, because if there isn't there is NO POINT to living. And sorry, 80 some odd years of happiness isn't enough for me. I remember my conversion to Christianity, and the time before it. I was in despair, and it was a sinful despair because it was all about me, but God still used it to remove the blinders, to hem me in from pursuing a temporal happiness in what the world has to offer. All of the sweetest things in my life were God-produced by Him allowing me to suffer.

Maybe this is too deep for a blog. All I can say is that once again I am just feeling an intense dissatisfaction with the world and a longing for a deeper relationship with my God. Piper said that all suffering, if it leads you to the cross, is mercy, because it stops you from taking delight in the eternal destructiveness of the Enemy and shows the infinite value and treasure that is Christ. So thank goodness for pain and suffering if it leads me to Christ! Thank God for not letting me get comfortable and complacent, for taking the blinders off so I can see that a life not centered around Him is utterly meaningless.

whoah

2005-09-21T00:28:00.000-05:00

Hmm, yeah, it's been awhile since I've written...but I have vowed not to abandon this thing, just so I can say I've persevered...

So it amazes me how so much can change in just three little months. How does that even work? I feel like a completely different person, with completely different experiences, and a hopefully more mature and less naive perspective on life, people, and romance. My family has been torn apart...my dad finally left us. Two words: anger and anguish. But hope, too. It's mercy that I can say hope. It was really rough for awhile. I definitely went through a whole month of despair, hanging on by a thread. Not that the hurt has gone away, but that light, that little small almost invisible light that God always gives is there, always was there, leading me to good places. He held on to me when I could barely get out of bed. The greatest place being His presence and His love and His promises that though my father may have left, though my own father "may forget" me HE never will (par. from Isaiah 49). My suffering is for His glory and my joy. Brokenness is for His glory and my joy. Sorrow is for His glory and my joy. See the pattern here? Yeah, me too. Everything leads back to His goodness, and His faithfulness. And His mercy. I never would have called it that before, not the actual feeling the hurt part-I would for sure have called the after the hurt good feelings mercy. But if my dad leaving brings me closer to God for God alone, not His blessings, it's mercy. Because in my sorrow I've also seen so much of my sin. And it's horrifying, it's revolting. More than just being "bad stuff", sin is an un-jumpable obstacle in your relationship with God, until Jesus steps in. After all this, I think suffering clarifies so much. Like the fact that there IS evil in the world. Maybe my issues are too small to make someone see that, but just take genocide. Masses and masses of bodies lying dead in a heap because of hatred. You can't tell me that's not evil, and if you do, well...hopefully at some point before you die you will come to that realization, and then come to the realization that you can do something about it. The world can be saved one soul at a time. And it needs to be souls first, before physical lives.

So I'm thinking out loud. I do that.

the fruit of trust

2005-04-30T00:47:00.000-05:00

God is faithful and all His promises prove true:

I received a little over $400 in fundraising between yesterday and today, and two more people asked me to give them a support letter, randomly. People I wasn't even going to ask or hadn't even thought of asking.

So is God good? Yeah. I just needed to be reminded that what He wants is my trust, my delight, my glorying in Him...

I want to be a woman who lives solely by His word, I want to meditate, memorize, and SAVOR the Hope of Glory, who is Christ Jesus. No one else can compare!!!!

2005-04-28T22:35:00.000-05:00

so it's been quite a long time since I've written, and hopefully any who realize this realize that this phenomena is inevitable. Especially as the semester winds down and life gets busier, and preparing to go overseas comes higher and higher on my list of priorities.

Lately things have been so dry. I've pulled away from God, stopped spending deep time in His word, all because I'm tired and I think, burned out. I've questioned if this is really what He wants me to do, am I really the right person to go to East Asia as an ambassador for Him? Because when I look at my heart, my life...it doesn't look good. But who am I to question God?

^"26Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. ²⁷But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ²⁸He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, ²⁹so that no one may boast before him. ³⁰It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption." - 1 Corinthians 1

Does that not say it all? So by His strength, I will persevere, and by His mercy I will quit trying to be good enough, because He already knows that I'm not, and I will humble myself before Him, confessing the truth that I am a broken, sinful, obstinate person who is counted righteous only by His work. I don't want to just know that, I want to believe it and put my trust in that truth; it's the only way I can truly live. And I must say this to myself, "quit living for yourself and believing the lie that anything is better than Jesus Christ. Consider what He's done for you."

everything

2005-04-01T22:54:00.000-06:00

How could I ever express my thanks to God for everything He does? I can't, there's no way I could ever say thank you enough. God is working, and He's called me, and I trust Him completely. He is good in all things, both good and hard. Nothing that comes from Him is bad. Everything comes from Him. You can probably see the pattern.

"be strong and courageous...for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Acres of Hope by Shane Barnard & Robbie Seay

2005-03-27T00:52:00.000-06:00

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together

We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

The Village

2005-03-27T00:12:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I just watched M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, The Village, and it WAS SO STINKIN' GOOD. Joaquin Phoenix's character blew me away, because SERIOUSLY guys like that totally seem to not exist in real life. There was the one scene where Ivy asked him if he would ask her to dance when they were married and he totally just, AH, OMIGOSH, I don't know how to describe it, but basically he just answered her so passionately and so MANLY but in an amazingly some kind of way, I don't even know. If you've seen the movie, you know what I mean. It just felt like he was fighting for her in a way I've only felt Jesus fight for me...for the world. At any rate, I don't think I can watch that movie again for awhile because I might start to place unfair expectations on the guys around me. Most of the time I just wish I could run away from my longing for love like that from a man. I don't know if God has ordained that it be filled, or that it would be good for me, but by His grace I will trust in Him, and wait on Him.

That being said, I am so thankful, I had such a good time with my old roommate tonight. It's amazing how God placed her in my life. She's at a place in her faith where it seems that she is just longing to understand more of why God loves her and in what capacity and it's just crazy because I was there, exactly where she is, a year ago. God so knows what He's doing. He is a sun and shield; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless. I'm not calling myself perfect, I'm calling my Savior, Redeemer and Defender perfect. I cannot wait for the service tomorrow. God has granted my request to love her better. He's granted my desire for a greater capacity to love Him. How could I ever repay Him? How could I ever say thank you? All I can give to Him is myself, my life, and that's not enough. It's not. The Lord is faithful, all His promises prove true, and my life is evidence of that, Hillary's life is, Israa's is.

I have the perfect Savior, the perfect Father, and the perfect Counselor. I have everything.

joyful sorrow

2005-03-24T07:46:00.000-06:00

Nevertheless Paul makes the astonishing statement in 2 Corinthians 6:10 that what marks his life and should mark ours is “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.” This is what makes our sorrow godly. I do not claim that this experience is simple or that we can even put it into adequate words—what it means to be joyful in sorrow. Heaving sobs at the loss of a loved one does not look like joy. Indeed is not joy in its fullness, as we will know it when “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Revelation 21:4).

Rather the joy that endures through sorrow is the foretaste of that future joy in God which we hope for in the future. When Jesus was “very sorrowful, even to death” in Gethsemane he was sustained by “the joy that was set before him” (Hebrews 12:2). This does not mean that he felt in the garden or on the cross all that he would feel in the resurrection. But it does mean that he hoped in it and that this hope was an experienced foretaste of that joy.

Therefore, we groan here, waiting for the redemption of our bodies and for the removal of all our sins (Romans 8:23). This groaning and grieving is godly if it is molded by our delight in hope of glory (Romans 5:2-3). The delight is muffled by the pain. But it is there in seed form. It will one day grow into a great vine that yields wine of undiluted delight.

So let us embrace whatever sorrow God appoints for us. Let us not be ashamed of tears. Let the promise that joy comes with the morning (Psalm 30:5) sustain and shape our grief with power and goodness of God.

-John Piper

2005-03-21T21:28:00.000-06:00

Jesus is so good, I can barely comprehend it. God is all merciful, enabling me to totally ace my Greek quiz that I didn't study for until this morning, and I totally didn't deserve His help, but praise Jesus! He sustains me, every hour, even when I am apathetic toward Him. I am realizing just how grave a sin my apathy is. How can I be that way towards the Sovereign Lord who saves us from death?

Last night I talked with my mom, and I ended up bawling for a good 15 or 20 minutes after the conversation. It's not anything she did or said, it's just how she sounded. She was so tired, and worn out and is burdened with her life, with no one to be there for her and lead her and support her. She's trying to do it on her own, and it makes me so sad. But she mentioned a woman at work who's a believer, and I am praying that God would build their relationship and let this woman be an encouragement to my mom, even in her own struggles (she is older and has just been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes). She also said my brother asked her about her and dad getting a divorce, and that was awful to hear. Obviously, as he's getting older, he's noticing more and more of the strife between my parents. My mom assured my brother that she wasn't going anywhere, but again...it just hurts to know that already he's worrying about that. An 11 year old kid shouldn't have to worry about that. I miss them, I miss my family so much. God is good, and He is faithful, and He loves them more than I do...which boggles my mind, because I really love them a lot. I can't fathom God's love. He is faithful, and Sovereign, and there, He's working in them. I can see it. No one catch snatch them out of His hands. In my reading over the past couple of days, I came across these verses in Psalm 66 and 68:

⁸ Praise our God, O peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard;⁹ he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping.¹⁰ For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver.¹¹ You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs.
¹² You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.
-Ps 66

¹⁹ Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.
Selah²⁰ Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign LORD comes escape from death. -Ps 68

Talk about God speaking into your circumstances. Between those verses and Matthew 4:19, I'm beginning to feel what Jesus was talking about when He said it would cost something to follow Him. But Romans 8:18 comes to mind in that circumstance: "For I consider that our present sufferings are not worth being compared with the glory that will be revealed in us." And no matter what I go through, it will never compare with what He did for me.

last day almost here

2005-03-19T23:35:00.000-06:00

Well, today ended up being a very long day, ending a very short (that is, too quickly passing) week. I wish Spring Break were two weeks long, because I could use the extra time off. I feel like I haven't had much of a break at all. Sleep has certainly evaded me the past few nights. I don't like getting up early. But now my body is completely adjusted to that very thing, and I find myself waking up at 8:30 or 9 in the morning without any kind of alarm clock. I guess the solution would be to go to bed early. Yeah, that'll happen.

Anyway, this weekend I attended part of a prayer and fasting seminar at my church and it was really good. There's a lot of stuff to process. Tomorrow, at my home church, my support video will be shown to the congregation, and I will see God work. Crazy...I'm not nervous, but I've been praying about that a lot. I am confident that the Lord will provide what He wants to provide. I also need to get out my other support letters. I'm glad I only work for two hours tomorrow...and it's just a meeting. Thank you. Ok, well...bedtime. I can't wait to hit the pillow.

Thus Far

2005-03-16T23:18:00.000-06:00

Well, Spring Break so far has been eventful and has passed all too quickly. I hate when time goes too fast.

So, Sunday night I went to this Passion performance at my church, entitled Passion: It's a Dying Thing. Ok, so having gone to a performing arts high school but not acting since then, my skills and analytical tendencies have slightly dulled with the passing of time, but the moment I set foot in the sanctuary viewing this performance, I can poetically say that I was initially offended by the actors. However, I was really pretty ashamed of this reaction, because it was totally my pride flaring up. I was watching these people perform something very dear and real to them, as it is to me, and here I was criticizing their performance. So I prayed for God to take my pride away, and to help me to hear the message He wanted to speak to me. It worked, He answered me. Against all of my natural tendencies, the Holy Spirit spoke to me in incredible ways. So it gets to Jesus' crucufixion, and they turn out all the lights and play the sound of Him being whipped and I really couldn't take it...I just kept thinking, "stop it" over and over, the sound overwhelmed me. And then I just got it. That should have been me. I deserved that, not Him. My pride. My contempt for what God has done for me. My disbelief. My dull heart towards Him. My obstinate disobedience. The way I treat people. The way I have served other gods in my life - idols that fade like the grass in winter. My impatience. My mistrust. My selfishness. Overindulgence. Laziness. Everything about me screams rebellion against my Creator. And while I was hating Him, struggling to run away from Him, He was loving me. While I was trying to prove that I was good enough, even too good for God, Jesus was hanging on the cross for me.

And as I realized all of this, I started to cry...I wept. I wept for the rest of the performance. I felt a grief over my sin that I don't think I've experienced in such a capacity. And I was thankful. I thanked my God for what He had done for me. The Holy Spirit moves in spite of me, in spite of everything.

I'm still struggling to truly grasp all of this though...I've been with one other roommate this week, and I feel like I am being influenced in ways that I don't want to be influenced in. I'm not laying any blame on her, I totally have responsibility in this...but it's frustrating how sin so easily entangles us. I don't want to be bound by it, but I am certainly not above it. I still struggle daily, hourly, momentarily with it. I'm struggling to get beyond myself, to react to others with love no matter what, to resolve conflicts in a Godly way. I know with Christ, it can happen, He can, will, does satisfy in all facets and capacities. If only I weren't so easily satisfied with the dull pleasures the world has to offer. But then, everything still just points to Jesus, it's not about me or me being able to get past my struggle with sin on my own, because I know I can't. It's not in my capability to be perfect, that's why He came. All I can do is submit to His work in me. And I am praying that He would do a great work in me. Maybe that's pretentious, but I want as much of Jesus as I can handle, and then I want more of Him so He can increase my heart's capacity to know and love Him.

I guess I've only talked about Sunday, there's more that's happened this week...but I'm tired and don't want to write anymore, so I'll write more tomorrow. There's a lot to do. Tomorrow I need to be intentional.

2005-03-12T22:53:00.000-06:00

I went to a friend's wedding today. It was good, the ceremony was really simple, her dress was beautiful, and so were the bridesmaids' dresses. The church they had the ceremony in was really pretty too. I got to see some good friends I haven't seen in awhile too...it was a pretty good day.

I couldn't help but think about the sanctity of marriage, and what the bride and the groom represented. It's a huge transition, leaving one household to form your own. I don't live with my family anymore, but I still feel under my parents' roof, as dysfunctional as that roof might be. But sitting in the service and sitting next to this guy that I used to have the biggest crush on, but now have no feelings for...it was really freeing. I don't know how to explain it. But I also felt a little removed from the situation. Marriage, dating...it seems like something that I will always be waiting for. I'm not saying that with a complaining type spirit, but I often wonder if I will ever be ready for that kind of relationship commitment. Being a girl, I long for it, though that longing springs up less often than it used to, but I just don't know that I could ever really see myself being married. I can be friends with a guy really easily. Too easily, I think, sometimes. But who would I ever want to marry, and who would ever want to marry me? Wouldn't I be more useful with fewer attachments? Of course, that goes completely against my desire to have kids. But then maybe I just love kids this much because I'm supposed to care for others' children...or orphans? Who knows. It's not in my hands anyway. And right now, I need to seek a greater capacity to give myself first to Christ, then to others. I don't do that well.

the Friday when Spring Break begins

2005-03-11T21:05:00.000-06:00

All I can say is thank you Jesus for good dinners at Mexican restaurants, sweatpants, sweatshirts, fuzzy slippers and chick flicks. I am so ready for my week of rest!

P.S. I got the 15 hours. :)

Ohhhhhhh today!

2005-03-10T23:56:00.000-06:00

I want to pray more for others!!! And I want to be better in giving myself to others! I am so hoping God will grow me in that for the rest of this semester.

As for Spring Break, Panama City plans didn't pan out for me because I decided to be wise and make/save money rather than spend it. Plus, it will give me time to do my support letters for East Asia, catch up on Bible reading, and review Greek and German stuff. And maybe political sociology, but that's more of an "if I get the motivation" thing. Then next weekend is a seminar on prayer and fasting at my church...I am really excited to go to that. Ok, so a specific prayer for next week is that God provide at least 15 hours of work and no work past 5 PM on Friday so I can go to this seminar. I'm writing this because I believe He'll do it and I want to document it.

In support news, my friend told me to send her and her whole house letters. Praise God for getting the ball rolling! Why trust in man's plans, God has made it ABUNDANTLY clear that He has chosen me for this! I will trust in Him and wait on Him.

YAY JESUS! (He is faithful, able, and abundantly merciful and loving).

Mom and midterms

2005-03-08T23:06:00.000-06:00

Well, instead of studying for my midterm on Thursday I'm going to write. My mom is here this week, she got in on Monday and is leaving Thursday morning. I only got to see her last night and tonight, because I am working all day tomorrow. Big SAD. I cried when she left my house tonight...I always do that when she leaves. I miss her, and I am sad for her. I am amazed at what God is doing in her heart, and I pray always that He will heal her bitterness. Talking with her made me think of Piper's latest few sermons. They were on the wrath of God, and there was one particular point that makes me think of our family situation. He talked about our righteous anger when sins have been done against us, but how, because He is the Judge, we can be free from the anger and bitterness that so often arises when we have been wronged, and therefore forgive. Sins are always reconciled and punished, there is no sin anywhere ever that will not go unpunished and there are two ways this happens. If a person does not claim Jesus as their Savior, the person will ultimately take his own punishment which is (scary) eternal suffering in Hell. But if we do have Christ, all our sin has been paid for, and Jesus is the One who paid. He received the just punishment I deserve. I deserve it. I deserve eternal damnation and suffering and separation from my God. It's an unfair deal. I get the opposite. He is love. He is mercy. And He is just. I'm starting to really realize, in my heart not just my head, that we cannot understand the loving kindness of God until we understand His perfect sense of Justice, until we understand that we do deserve wrath.

So I'm praying for healing and forgiveness in my mom's heart. She sees a lot more bad things than I do, working in the corporate world with benefits and living in our home. I don't know that I would have the strength to handle it. I have so much respect for her. I pray that she would get rest, that God would provide a couple of really solid friends who will be there for her, both encouraging her and keeping her accountable. And mostly I pray that she would continue to grow in Joy. God is good.

I also saw someone I knew on the bus today. I looked up from doing my crossword, and he was sitting in front of me. There was that heart squeezed feeling again. And since he was sitting in front of me, I know he probably saw me...looking a little foolish, I'm sure, sitting hunched over my crossword. I wonder what went through his head. There's that girl who used to be my friend? I hate her? I miss her? I'm glad he didn't say anything. I'm glad he probably doesn't know I saw him. Well, once I saw him, I prayed for him, and then I got off the bus and walked home. ...maybe.
God is good.

...for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all...

my Omaha weekend

2005-03-06T21:23:00.000-06:00

GOD IS GOOD.

The trip to Omaha for training was so good in showing me just how God chose me to go, how He's doing the work. He put to rest once and for all the interest I had before...Praise Him for taking away a distraction! Because if I hadn't found things out, it would have been one for the whole time I was there. I didn't get what my heart wanted (or thought it wanted) and it is good!! I will wait and trust in the Lord, not having contempt for the miraculous things He has done and is doing in my life. For His name, for His glory, BY His mercy and ability will He accomplish these things.

I can confidently say this because I got so scared about my trip to ea this weekend. I was listening to everything we would have to do, and freaking out that I didn't have my passport stuff turned in yet and hadn't started my immunization stuff yet, and thinking about the gravity of the situation in the ea. I cried, I was so scared. But God just offered comfort through Lou, a woman who had been doing her work there for decades along with her husband. She just reminded me that, no, I can't do it by my own strength, but that's why Christ does it through me. He knows I am weak, but He perfects His strength in my weakness. I can ONLY do all things through Him who strengthens me. And on the planeride home I was doing part of my daily reading, and it took me through Numbers 12-14. And God addressed all my fears in those chapters. How perfect of Him! My weaknesses, when submitted to Christ, bring Him glory. Obedience brings Him glory. He does this in me. Maybe I'm not making a whole lot of sense, but I just praise Him and I am excited for where He's leading me.

Whate'er my God ordains is right,

His will is ever just;

Howe'er He order now my cause

I will be still and trust.

He is my God,

Though dark my road,

He holds me that I shall not fall,

Wherefore to Him I leave it all.

Whate'er my God ordains is right,

He never will deceive;

He leads me by the proper path,

And so to Him I cleave,

And take content

What He hath sent;

His hand can turn my griefs away,

And patiently I wait His day.

Whate'er my God ordains is right,

He taketh thought for me,

The cup that my Physician gives

No poison'd draught can be;

But medicine due;

For God is true,

And on that changeless truth I build,

And all my heart with hope is fill'd.

Whate'er my God ordains is right,

Though I the cup must drink

That bitter seems to my faint heart,

I will not fear nor shrink;

Tears pass away

With dawn of day,

Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart,

And pain and sorrow all depart.

Whate'er my God ordains is right,

My Light, my Life is He,

Who cannot will me aught but good,

I trust Him utterly;

For well I know,

In joy or woe,

We once shall see as sunlight clear

How faithful was our Guardian here.

Whate'er my God ordains is right,

Here will I take my stand;

Though sorrow, need, or death make earth

For me a desert land,

My Father's care

Is round me there,

He holds me that I shall not fall,

And so to Him I leave it all.

when tired = giddy

2005-03-03T22:38:00.000-06:00

I was so tired at Navs tonight. I shouldn't have gone, but I wanted to. And then it turned out to be the longest, most boring talk on earth. And I was being so rude during it. Blah.

But tomorrow I take a German test and then immediately go to the airport to fly to Omaha where I meet the team members I don't know and catch up with the ones I do. Why am I so nervous? I will be praying that God would continue to affirm that EA was the right decision. I don't know why it wouldn't be. I hate doubt. It's like an infection that won't go away.

I'm also feeling kinda stressed right now about my two midterms next week and the stage two of the term paper I have to turn in. (Why are you downcast, oh my soul?...my hope is in Him). I will make it through if it is God's will. How I love Him. How I need Him.

2005-03-02T22:45:00.000-06:00

God did a lot today. It was an intensely cool day.

Megan and I went for coffee at Bordertown this morning before class, and had a really good talk. There was a lot of reconciliation involved, which was a total answer to prayer. God is merciful. I couldn't swallow my pride to bring the issue up, but Megan did. The Lord is faithful.

Classes are going better, mainly I think because I'm actually taking the time to prepare for them. Go figure. :)

This evening, however, was the coolest time because God gave me boldness to share a little of my relationship with Jesus with a couple of girls at work. I don't even know where the words came from, or how the conversation even started. It just happened. One of the girls I know thinks I'm crazy. It amazed me, though, that she had only really just heard the name of Jesus. She didn't even know who I was talking about when I just used "Christ" to refer to Him. I had never experienced that before. She doesn't believe in God, though, because she thinks science has disproved His existence. But then, she also said she doesn't know very much about God or Christianity. Which is sad, because that definitely says to me that she only has vague opinions that are based on lies she's believing. But I have hope for her, and I am praying that she will just not be able to get our conversation out of her head, that she will meet more believers (ones who will be kind to her, not judgmental or preachy), and that she will just be interested. Tonight happened for a reason.

But today I can only say that everything was a testament to Jesus' faithfulness in my life. And His mercy, and His grace, and His love. He has blessed me. :) I have to mention, I found myself worrying about this weekend, because of the guy thing. I was starting to feel really distressed...I was worried he would distract me, and I just prayed that Jesus would help me not to be attracted to him. But I actually started to feel a little sick in my heart over it. So I was worrying and worrying in my head, but then this still, soft voice echoed in my mind, saying "trust Me." And so He brought to mind different verses and songs and I started singing and all of a sudden I felt uplifted. I love this! I LOVE it when He does this! It's so COOL!!! I cannot wait for East Asia.

victory

2005-03-01T11:50:00.000-06:00

Evening:
I had a scare today. Well, not really a scare, but I saw the friend that I quit being friends with. I was coming out of the computer lab and there he was, sitting there, looking really intense and a bit unhappy...but maybe that's me projecting my feelings over the situation onto him. Either way, my heart seriously skipped a beat, I got scared that he would see me, and went up the escalator. Sometimes I just wish things didn't have to be complicated in a way that made a friendship impossible.

Still, I know without a doubt in my heart that I did the right thing. And God is faithful, He is working in this situation for the good.

Speaking of God's faithfulness, I was in my counseling session today and Jeannie and I were talking about the heart temptations that every woman feels, and you know...I talked about my history with guys, specifically the one guy that "happened", and she asked me what I felt like I took away from that relationship. As I thought back to all the hurt and sin, the thing that overshadowed everything was how faithful God was in answering my prayer that this guy be taken out of my life, because I didn't have the strength to leave (theme song for this: Take My Life (or Please Take From Me My Life?) by Third Day). But as I kept talking, I found myself getting very passionate about why I don't want a relationship right now, and why I get frustrated when it seems like 90% of what all my girlfriends talk about is marriage and/or weddings like that's all there is to life, why I want Jesus above any guy, why I am not content to commit myself to the ideology that my life starts on my wedding day, and why if God chose for me to remain single all my life I would be content with that. And yet, of course, I still participate in the marriage conversations (or more accurately, the wedding day conversations), I still want to get married someday. But that desire is on the backburner. I want to follow Jesus more. I want to follow Him to East Asia this summer. I want to follow Him to the hearts of women who need encouragement, uplifting, and salvation on this campus. I want to follow Him to selflessness and quit being selfish. Jeannie gave me some hope in this area, though, if God has decided to fulfill this desire for an earthly marriage: if or when I meet the right man, he will be a man who cares about me so much that he will encourage me to seek the Lord, he will encourage me to spend time with my girlfriends, and then time we spend together will lift me to Christ, and I will go away not worried but thankful because of the way our relationship, his leadership, brought me that much closer to my Lord. Realistically, she said, those men are hard to find, but they're there. They exist, because God does mighty work in the hearts of His people. And I believe it, because He's done a mighty work in me. So I am encouraged.

So the consensus, then, is that it's hard, but Christ makes it good; He makes it worth it.

Afternoon:
I have done it...I'm done with TCF. It's a sucky bank. Students of the U: NEVER BANK THERE.

Ok, that rant is over. I'm increasingly nervous about Omaha for 2 reasons: 1) the most obvious of, there's a guy there who might be a distraction. I've pretty much gotten over the attraction, but that's with a few hundred miles between us. It's silly to be worried about this. 2) I am so stinkin nervous about going to a foreign country. I've never been outside of the continental US. People do it all the time. I don't know, it's more of a nervous excitement. The unknown. It's super cool in a scary kinda way.

Well, class in 45 minutes. I figure I should get some lunch and try to work on passport issues.

By the way: HOORAY FOR SPRING BREAK!!!!

yuck

2005-03-01T00:14:00.000-06:00

as a break from my normal-type postings: Greek homework is currently the bane of my existence. No, scratch that. Taking German 1004 and Classical Greek 1002 is the bane of my existence. They want to kill me. I swear it.

(just kidding. I am not paranoid. Just tired.)

by the way...one week tomorrow. this is a little harder than I thought. Or easier. I can't decide yet.

Spiritual Warfare

2005-02-28T21:53:00.000-06:00

I grew up thinking nothing about spiritual warfare, because no one in my church ever talked about it. I thought it was all baloney-the same as ESP, telepathy, ghosts. One thing my relationship with Christ has taught me is that as real as He is, Satan and his angels are just as real. It's a thing that I've really done a lot of thinking about lately. My own personal experience has been mostly with unexplainable depression--a sadness that feels like a physical weight, one that stops up the ability to feel anything for anyone. I dealt with that most recently last semester, and it came up suddenly. It was set apart from everything in my life--everything was going fine. My classes, my friendships, there were no crushes on guys to make me feel depressed. It culminated one night when I was alone in my house and I just started eating and crying and then I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know why. And I went up into the bathroom and collapsed at the bathtub, and all of a sudden thoughts of suicide just popped into my head. For no reason. When that happened, I literally ran from the sin of my despair, almost shouting , "No" outloud and I ran from the room. It's frightening, the influence and thoughts that Satan can put in your head. But it's awesome how God fights for you every step of the way. I struggled to know He was there in that time, to feel His presence, and He was faithful, He brought me through.

I guess I'm just bringing this up now because I feel very sensitive to the reality of the war between God and Satan, salvation and sin. And I am so thankful that the One in me is more powerful than the ruler of the air, that He has already won. It's already accomplished. Death has no power, Satan no lasting victory in me because of Christ.

The link I put in my title (just click on it) is an interesting sermon my pastor preached awhile back, in which he describes an experience he had with spiritual warfare. Satan is real. God is real. And God is so good, Christ is so merciful. I pray that I would have a growing capacity for understanding of this truth, and that that understanding would lead to submission and humility.

yeah, He's faithful

2005-02-26T15:10:00.000-06:00

It was one week from yesterday that I go to Omaha and really begin my journey to East Asia. I always get caught up in the waiting. Like, when I turned 16 and got my license, I couldn't believe it, I had reached a milestone that I never thought I would reach. I can even remember feeling the same way about my first day at middle school, and then high school, then turning 18, then going to college. I get caught up in waiting and I never believe that I will actually reach the point of fruition until I'm there and all of a sudden it is there, it is real, and it just seems surreal. That's what Omaha will be like. That's what EA will be like.

I have to wonder if it stems from my unbelief...I'm sure all Christians will tell you that no matter how many times God has proven Himself in their lives, the next moment doubt can set it. It's a constant battle. It reminds me of the man who encountered Jesus, crying out, "I believe, help me in my unbelief!" It really is a miracle that I trust Christ. It's not by my own power that I have faith enough to believe in Him and trust Him for forgiveness. All throughout the Bible people struggle with this. I was reading today in Exodus (making up some of the days I didn't do my daily reading) about the Golden Calf. Here is a people who had just been brought out of Egypt in one of God's most incredible acts to that point in history, and right after they turn and ask Aaron to make them a god of their choosing, an idol to worship. How can that be? I understand it all too well, because I've done the exact same thing. I live solely on God's mercy.

Another thing...it's strange how at the same time you can be brokenhearted, but filled with joy. I feel so weak sometimes - now. I feel weak now. Can I just give more of myself away? Can I quit living for my own happiness? Please? I struggle against selfishness. I struggle against pride. And yet Christ in me has done so much. every moment rests on His work. Maybe I've said this before, but I am pondering (for lack of a less archaic-sounding word) how I can balance living with a brokenheart for the lost and living with joy for the Hope which God has granted me. Is this a taste of what the world looks like to Jesus Christ? Everytime someone talks of Christianity as a hateful religion, I hurt. Not just because I know that's not Who God is, but because I know there are those who legitimately give the world reason to say such things. The pain the world feels, the loneliness, I've felt it. I've felt what it's like to think God has left you, abandoned and forsaken you. But everytime I've seen that He never left. I couldn't see Him, I couldn't feel Him, I couldn't hear Him, but He was there loving me. Dry times are always going to come.

³Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ⁶You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.

my computer is restored

2005-02-25T14:46:00.000-06:00

OHMIGOODNESS. After trial after trial with our stupid internet connection things are finally fixed (finally in both senses). I am SO GLAD. I mean it's great that my university has good computer lab access, but there's just something about sitting in a room with a bunch of random people that makes you not want to use the lab. Or maybe it's just me.

Anyway...so much has changed since I last wrote-I'm going to East Asia, which I am so incredibly excited about and which is becoming more real to me each day. This Friday I go to Omaha for a "briefing" of sorts, and I get to meet my team there. Mostly, I feel like God is changing everything in my life. I had to let go of a friendship, because it was going someplace not good. Maybe it would have been ok for awhile, but had I not obeyed God I would have had a horrible feeling the whole time and it would have ended sooner or later anyway. He doesn't want a girl who's going to put him second. And I don't want a man who would put me first. Sanctification is hard, but disobedience is harder. Last night, though, I went to Travis, and the India team got back and they were telling us all about their time there and it was amazing and I really want to go. I just want to go everywhere. But for now I am confident that East Asia is where God wants me (this summer anyway, I'm here in Minnesota for a reason too), but I am praying that He will point me in the right direction during the trip. I just want to be out there. I have seen in the past few days an increase in my awareness for every single person's need for Christ. It's rampant, and it's heartbreaking. But it makes me see that my life is only a breath, and it's useless simply to try to gain personal happiness above God's glory. In my experience, God's glory is personal happiness, more than that, it's JOY. A deeper joy than I could ever have imagined existed.

A thought that occured to me this morning, as I was walking back from the Rec, is that I might be keeping people at arm's length (guys especially). I don't know. I need to think more, and write things down more, because I always forget everything, or most things, that I come to conclusions on.

oh the unexpected

2005-02-01T01:34:00.000-06:00

Oh dear...just when I thought I was safe from CRUSHING. I met a guy, or rather remet him, yesterday and boy was he ATTRACTIVE. Do you ever just see someone and for some unexplainable reason they are SO CUTE? Ugh. Sick. NOT EVEN!! I don't know the guy, and he's way older. like, 6 years older. But with reddish hair and such a gentleman. and so on fire for Christ. but yeah, I don't know him. And he currently lives in Nebraska and leaves Minnesota Wednesday and SO would not be interested and I honestly think is probably more interested in my older, cooler, more mature roommate. So that's the end of it. There we go. No more.

Man, your heart can just do awful things.

describe yourself

2005-01-26T01:10:00.000-06:00

Ok, I've been thinking about this for some time now. If one wants to understand who I am, they must not separate me from God. To do so would be to have a completely incorrect view of who I am, who I was, how I became who I am, why I choose to live my life the way I do, and who I am going to be. My identity is entirely wrapped up in Christ, after all He made me and knew me even before I was formed. He chose me. That is a belief, a conviction that will last a lifetime.

And I have faith that it will, because it's not me who keeps this conviction, but Christ in me, the Son of God whose Father promised that He will faithfully complete the task He has begun in me. He will bring my sanctification to completion, while not while I'm alive here, but certainly He will continue to refine my character, my values, and most importantly my heart for the rest of my days.

If you want to know who I am, what I'm about, read the life of Jesus Christ. Read the Gospels. I'm not claiming that I am perfect, I know I am not and will never be on this earth, but He is who I long to be like. He, by His grace, is my heartbeat.

I know I'm going to change, but my convictions about Jesus Christ will not, for as long as I live and afterward. If my understanding of my faith changes, it will only be a growing, experiential knowledge that Jesus is all He claims to be, that I am undeserving of the new life in which He sacrificed Himself to give me, and that the one absolute Truth is wrapped up completely in the person of Jesus Christ. And I live with these convictions in mind solely because He revealed Himself to me. He changed me. And I am not scared of being ridiculed or thought foolish for holding these beliefs, because Jesus took on much more than that for a wretched sinner like me. He loved me for no other reason than because He chose to. I won't deny Him.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:20

new thought

2005-01-23T02:15:00.000-06:00

It seems this is beginning to take the place of my journal. That could be good or bad.

At any rate, at a party tonight I had a conversation with a guy named Mark, and he brought up a good point, something which I definitely think I needed to be reminded about. Even good things can become idols. The point of Christianity is not the "religious activities" it's Jesus. Without the relationship with Christ you cannot be accurately called a Christian. If Jesus were not who He said He was, that is the Son of God who came to set the world free spiritually, then Christianity has no logical basis and is a complete waste of time. As it is, I believe that Jesus is all He claimed to be, and so I believe that my relationship to Him is of utmost importance.

So this talk with Mark got me thinking about my desire for missions, and to come a little closer to my current life, my involvement with Bethlehem and Navigators and hopefully Campus Outreach. If I am forsaking Christ in what He's calling me to do and I go with a different ministry in a different direction, the potentially good thing that I am doing becomes idolatrous, because I am placing my own desires before Christ. So, do I want to do missions? Absolutely. But I must hold it with an open hand, as Carmela once said, and be ready to drop everything and go a completely different direction if He so calls me. That includes my current thought process on Navs. I follow Christ, I do NOT follow Navs, I do NOT follow John Piper, and I do NOT follow Carmela or Campus Outreach. And I have to continually remind myself of that.

Today was a good day.

...

2005-01-22T20:53:00.000-06:00

all I can really think to say, beyond the comment that I really like snow, is that I just want to GO, as Laura said yesterday.

I have to choose between two ministries, and to what capacity this choice will affect my involvement in either (or both) is at this point beyond my knowledge. But I desire to learn more and grow more, and mostly to be challenged more. But Laura brought up a good point on not overlooking the relationships and leadership I have established within Navigators. And then, there are the motives of my heart. Does my frustration with Navigators have more to do with my own pride? I need to make a decision on this. Mostly I need to stop talking and start listening to what God has to say.

On another topic, I came across some verses that really spoke to my heart, verses that I've needed and am now in the process of memorizing, because I desire to overcome the sins that God has brought to light at this point in my life.

"Who can discern His errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
Keep Your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me,
then I will be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."
Psalm 19:12-14

And because of a conversation I had with a friend yesterday I was reminded at the transformation that Christ made in my heart. It was funny, because I wouldn't even have really thought about it if he hadn't said anything about how the person I was, how I described myself, was so different from the person I am now. And it's true, I'm not who I was when I first followed Christ, and it's all due to Him that I am who I am today. If I weren't a Christian, I'd be living the same today as I was in high school. I can remember the changes too, and they were painful. I didn't want to let go of my sins. I wanted to hold on. I wasn't willing to trust Christ to fill the emptiness I was using those things to fill. I was so weak in my desire to follow Christ that all I could even do was ask God to rip the sins out of my hand Himself because I just couldn't do it. And I remember the joy and the excitement of growing in Him amidst the pain of having something like that taken from your life. I'm thinking about this, because I think I'm in a similar spot in my life right now, and I'm hesitating and I don't even know why. God made me new, and He promises to keep doing so all the way up until I get to heaven, and then everything will be removed that inhibits the joy of Christ.

There's still so much to think about, but I have hope in knowing that I'm closer to a decision.

a cooking endeavor

2005-01-20T00:46:00.000-06:00

tonight I had two successful cooking incidences. it was really fun. Easy, but fun. I made spaghetti sauce first...spaghetti with meatballs, although I did not actually make the meatballs myself, but I made the rest of the sauce and it was still good. I've inherited my mother's love for garlic. Then I made a very low fat version of this chocolate chip cookie recipe, which doesn't sound like you could mess it up too badly, but I thought I did. I used wheat flour instead of white by mistake (how dumb am I?), and substituted a lot of less fattening stuff for the more fattening stuff. So I was afraid. Very afraid. But the cookies turned out well. My roommate, whose recipe I tinkered with, even said she liked them (I didn't even ask). So it was a successful night.

I'm sure this is all very interesting to those reading this. All two of you. Hopefully not too many more. :)

Anyway, I just finished my laundry, finally...it was seriously a four day task because I haven't done it in so long. And yet I still had clean clothes left. Or at least semi-clean. That's probably gross. But I was in the basement ironing my shirt when I totally just all of a sudden felt weak, and not really physically weak, but more just that ache in the center of my chest that I get sometimes. I have come to know that feeling well, and I could describe it as a physical manifestation of longing. It's my longing for Christ, though sometimes I mistake it for my longing for "the guy". Though I know that's a real longing too. But I don't worry about that so much anymore, because I know God has His timing and it's a good timing. I'm not worrying about Jesus either, really, it's just that "now we see dimly" thing. I'll just quote the verse in case I'm being too vague:

"Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12.

The joy of heaven is knowing Christ in full, without sin to distract me or tear me down or stop me from worshiping Him. No more tears. No more pain or struggle. That's what makes this struggle worth it. Can you imagine the freedom? I've been blessed to taste it, and I want more! Everytime He overcomes a sin in my life I feel the freedom that much more.

By the way, I started a new book: The Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel. He was an atheist, and a journalist at the Chicago Tribune who, upon an investigation meant to prove Christianity wrong, ended up finding Jesus. C. S. Lewis has a similar story, except he was a noted scholar and professor and Cainbridge University in England. Two cool guys right there.

for this semester

2005-01-18T19:05:00.000-06:00

My prayer for this semester is that my number one priority be seeking the Person of Jesus Christ, that He will be my end, not my means to His blessings.

With that said, He answered all my prayers today.

1) I prayed that my buspass would come in the mail today so I could save my cash. It came. :)
2) I prayed that the line for the student kiosk move quickly so I could find my class in the ten minutes I had to get there, and it did (when previously it moved really slow). And I got to class well within ten minutes.

Those are the two that come to mind immediately. Also, I pray for a more compassionate heart. My political sociology class is going to be really really good, I think. The professor on my first impression seems to be less biased than one would expect, though the people in the class are definitely democrats. At least the vocal ones. But I don't see that as a bad thing at all. I want to understand more where they're coming from, and I want to listen. The more I read of the Bible, however, specifically Jesus' words in Matthew, the more I see a need to continue to resist blindly aligning myself with "conservatives" or "Republicans". I follow Christ, not Bush. I think Bush is genuinely a man of God, but he's not God Himself. God puts all powers in all governments in place for His purposes, and man can't thwart those. If Kerry had won, I'd be saying the same thing. My allegiance is to Christ. And so I acknowledge the importance of caring for the poor, not to be a good person but because Jesus loves them and love is not simply a feeling but an action as well. I think this class will be good for me. The thing I'm most nervous about is the discussion that I'm positive will come up often, women's rights, namely abortion. I won't change my mind on that one bit, so I'm praying that God will grant me wisdom on when to speak up and compassion on those who are for it, rather than anger.

I still am not so happy about the beginning of the semester, but I think it will be good. Because God is good. Mostly, I want to grow in Him.

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

"He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

Grace

2005-01-17T01:57:00.000-06:00

I just got back from hanging out with two of the most important women in my life, Carmela and Hillary. Carmela discipled me last year and has become one of my closest friends, Hillary was my roommate and I got to share in the joy of seeing her come to Christ last year. Jesus has made them both amazing. I realized that hanging out with them is good because I can cry and not feel stupid, I can share my struggles and mull over questions and doubts and fears with them. They are friends with whom I can share the burden. And I can laugh and have fun and be silly without feeling like a dork. They're my sisters.

The past couple of days I have been passionate about my desire to throw off every sin that entangles to run the race set before me. I want to live radically for Jesus Christ. He is everything, and I say that so often but I can't say it enough. If you take Jesus from your perspective of who I am, you've got nothing left. Maybe you've got a girl who may be kind of nice to look at sometimes. But Christ is my purpose, my means AND my end. When my soul is downcast, His Holy Spirit lifts me up. He has always provided everything. No argument, no logic is big enough or smart enough to argue Him out of existence. He did exist in the world. He does today. He's real. He is worthy of my life and I'm going to follow Him. My end is not to know the Bible. The Bible, which is absolutely important, is still just a means of knowing Christ. The whole entire thing, Old and New Testament, point to Jesus Christ. My end is not to be a "good" person. There is no good aside from Jesus Christ. There is no one righteous aside from God. And I'm sick of allowing myself to be pacified for even a moment into thinking that I am good, that I am righteous, that I can be satisfied by the temporal, abbreviated pleasures this world has to offer me. NO, I will not be deceived, because I cling to Jesus; He keeps me fully by His mercy and love, and so I am His, I will live and die by His command. Because He loves me. He loves me. He is my Father, the One who will never leave me or forsake me, the One who keeps His word and opens my eyes to seeing the glory of a life lived solely for Him. He has wooed me and I've fallen head over heels for this Savior. He chose me when I wouldn't even fully recognize my own sinfulness. He convicted me, but never condemned. How can I live life for my own pleasure after that? God's purposes ARE my desires, my pleasure, my joy. NOT food, NOT a husband, NOT being skinny, NOT having new things or money or good health or lots of friends. I don't want to live for myself. I don't want the American dream. It's not good enough!! I want eternal glory and joy in Christ. Am I missing out on life by living this way? By giving up these things that pass away like the grass?? NO, I am living life abundantly, satisfied in the neverending Jesus, the Jesus who keeps showing me His mercies, new every morning.

Seek Jesus. He calls to everyone, if they'll just listen and respond.

2005-01-14T17:13:00.000-06:00

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

God is not like man, and that is the worst thing we do in trying to understand Him and the things He does. All things work together for His good purpose. He is not like man, that He should lie. He sees all things, He is timeless and knows the end. He knows the good purpose in the pain we experience for the moment, we do not.

Man is arrogant, trying to make God like him. We are the created, He the Creator. He does not change, we change almost every moment. Our circumstances change. Even I, in my desire to make Him known, have no control, no power over what happens to me or the people in my life. Only God does, and it's hitting me so strongly, and it makes me weep for those who don't know Him--though there is always hope.

Oh, today is my sister's birthday. She's 18. Crazy.

disatisfaction

2005-01-14T03:19:00.000-06:00

despite what the title of this entry would suggest, I'm in a good mood, but it's the kind of mood where I'm delighting in my intense longing for more, because I haven't felt this alive in some time. I have to be careful, because Satan knows my weaknesses, he knows how to attack me, but I am firmly set on Christ. I'm ready to go. Mainly it's because of a good friend who emailed me. The faith God has blessed her with is so beautiful, and she encourages me and challenges me everytime I talk to her or even think of her. She is the epitome of the "iron sharpens iron" verse. And Hebrews 10:24-25. I want to be that for someone. I pray that God would increase my faith so that others would see Him, and if they see me instead of Him I will pray harder that I would become invisible, because I am nothing and He is everything. Everything I am revolves around Him. He makes me who I am.

God I want to be challenged to know You more and to dig more deeply into Your word and Your purposes.

"But I am the Lord your God,
who brought you out of Egypt.
You shall acknowledge no god but Me,
no Savior except Me.
I cared for you in the desert,
in the land of burning heat.
When I fed them, they were satisfied;
when they were satisfied, they became proud;
then they forgot me.
So I will come upon them like a lion,
like a leopard I will lurk by the path.
Like a bear robbed of her cubs,
I will attack them and rip them open.
Like a lion, I will devour them;
a wild animal will tear them apart." Hosea 13:4-8

Sounds almost cruel, doesn't it? But if brokenness is what it takes for me to see the goodness of the Lord, if He has to rip my idols from my hands so that I fall flat on my face, I pray that He would do it. Better the little amount of pain for a moment in order to know the lifetime of infinite joy it is to see and experience the glory of Jesus Christ. Isn't that what Paul means when he says he rejoices in his sufferings? That's the fight for joy. Joy is a Person. Truth is a Person. Life is found in one Person.

direction in life

2005-01-13T02:44:00.000-06:00

Well, I believe I have an interest I'd like to pursue...and many may think it boring, seeing as how it is an academic interest. But I really want to study western history in the early first century AD (I know, not politically correct, but I'm not one for adhering to those sometimes ridiculous non-offensive terms).

I am also one step closer to Norway. My passion for going to this country this summer is increasing. My passion for spreading the truth is increasing. I met a couple today who are going to Indonesia for missions--specifically, evangelizing. They were planning on going, and have been preparing for the trip for the past two years, and even in light of the now desperate situation over there with the tsunami, they still want to go. When I told them I wanted to end up ministering in Eastern Europe the guy said that was a hard place to be. Hard, but God is the God of the impossible. I have no faith in my ability to relate to those people, because I have lived the typically comfortable and relatively sheltered American life. No, but there is One in me who can relate to them better than even than I could if I were one of them. People need Jesus. We're such a depraved people that we can't and won't even recognize our need for Him unless He unveils our hearts to see it. And He mercifully does. I don't get how or why or by what means, but He does it.

And I am also encouraged by my aunt and uncle's step of faith in seeking to adopt two children from Russia. I again cannot wait to see God accomplish the impossible. I hope He blows my grandparents out of the water. Even moreso my dad.

The more I live, every breath I take, the more I realize that it is all due to Him. Even in my sin He has mercy on me. My sin put Him on the cross. Do I even get the magnitude of that? I know I don't, because if I did my life would be so much more radically changed than it is. I am content to wait on the Lord for increased passion for Him. I can't even describe the intense longing I feel for Him. Jesus is more real to me each day. It is His presence in my heart that keeps me going every moment. I am not content to live life for myself. If I do, I waste it. I am reminded of the sermon from Sunday, because my passion is so overwhelming right now. I'm emotional, and I know God has made me this way, and now I pray to be, as Piper put it, pragmatic as well. By His grace I want my passions to be applied to my life. And herein lies the promise that "faithful is the One who calls you; He will do it" in 1 Thessalonians. He'll do it, I believe it.

Thusfar the Lord has helped me.

salsa dancing

2005-01-12T02:20:00.000-06:00

Well, my night of fun salsa dancing ended disappointingly. Mostly because it ended early. My roommates all wanted to leave, so what was I supposed to do? I felt bad, and then even worse for one of the reasons I wanted to stay. But man I wanted to keep dancing. I love to dance! and I actually found a guy friend who likes to do it too...and we're both bad. He can't keep the rhythm and I can't follow, but it was still a blast. Maybe next time. I just want to know what I'm doing. But I got this card for a free group lesson, and I am seriously considering using it. I want to dance. Just for fun. Because it's good exercise and because I'm good at it (though more at the improv than the actual moves right now). And I just love the atmosphere. Famous Dave's salsa night is fun, without feeling like there are just a bunch of sleazy guys there trying to pick you up. It's just a bunch of people going to dance. I wish I had stayed and gotten a ride home from one of the guys there (one of the ones we were with, not just any random guy...that would be asking for it). It would have been a little awkward, but maybe it would have been worth it. The mistake was taking the roommate who didn't really want to be there in the first place and letting her drive. And only taking one car. I won't make that mistake again. I don't hold anything against her, I should have just not tried as hard as I did to convince her. Yeah. Next time it's going to be an all-nighter, where I'm so tired by the end that I can barely move. That will feel good.

2005-01-11T02:25:00.000-06:00

today was an exciting day...it began exciting, with some amazing stuff revealed by God's word, and it ended exciting. My roommates and I watched Dance With Me...this late nineties dance movie about Latin dancing. First, it was so cool watching them-Latin dancing has so much passion in it! It made me want to dance myself, so my roommate Sarah and I just started wingin' it, and it was so much fun! I love living with the girls I live with. To top off the excitement, some of my friends and I are going salsa dancing at Famous Dave's in Uptown tomorrow night!! We may even have some guys accompanying us, which would be great because it would keep the sleazy guys away. I'm praying that Mike's friends will want to come. But if they don't, us girls will still have a great time. I love to dance!! I am even looking into joining the U's Ballroom Dance club. How fun would that be??

newfound excitement

2005-01-10T13:46:00.000-06:00

I may have mentioned before that I began doing the "read the Bible in a year" program that my church set up. There are four different passages that I read each day, each segment beginning with Genesis, Psalms, Matthew, and Acts. It makes sense. It is incredible to me how each of these passages ALWAYS correlate.

But that's not really the point of this entry. Today I read about the life of Isaac, Abraham's son whom God had commanded to sacrifice but then stopped Abe from sacrificing, and then I read Psalm 10, and then Matthew 5:1-12 (a very famous passage, the beatitudes Jesus spoke in the Sermon on the Mount), and then Acts 6.

In reading about Isaac, he lied to Abimelech and his people because he was afraid for his life and for his wife Rebekkah's. Two chapters earlier, Abraham did the exact same thing, but with different people. When the lie was found out (Isaac had said Rebekkah was his sister), Abimelech rebuked him (a thing which God certainly had a hand in), because Isaac could have brought his people guilt if they had touched Rebekkah. And so here, the thing the Holy Spirit spoke to me about was, obviously, fear. When you feel opposition from man for doing or saying the right thing and living the right way, God's way, DO NOT BACK OFF FROM THE TRUTH. That is, a question of trusting in Him. We may suffer for Him in this life, but there is a life far more glorious, far more full of joy waiting for us that makes the suffering we must endure now worth it. Piper spoke of this being a mingling of God's righteous judgment and His mercy. On earth the suffering we endure is only a fraction of what we deserve because of our sinfulness, but it prepares those who follow Him for the joy that is set before them. Hebrews 12:2-3 comes to mind:

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful man, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Then, Psalm 10, where David cries out to God in verse 1:

"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"

I have asked the Lord this very same thing so many times in my life. But God, proving Himself faithful in all situations before me, has shown me that He is here. David expresses this same thing, when he writes later in Psalm 10 that the wicked man says to himself, "'God has forgotten; He covers His face and never sees.' ... But You, O God, do see trouble and grief; You consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless. Break the arm (not literally...this is the Hebrew symbolism for strength) of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out. The Lord is King for ever and ever; the nations will perish from His land. You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; You encourage them, and You listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." (verses 11, 14-18)

Then, the Beatittudes, which must be written in full:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." (Matthew 5:1-12)

How beautiful are these words of Jesus Christ! I am none of these things, yet through Christ God has promised these things to me and to all believers. I thank God so much for awakening my heart to the beauty of the Gospels...that is something I have prayed for, because for a long time I had a hard time really relating to them. I am blessed to be living in a country where the persecution I receive is miniscule in comparison to persecution other believers in the world endure. Like believers in Indonesia, who have had acid thrown on them or people in Eastern Europe whose lives are threatened by the government simply for talking to others about Christ. And yet they continue to do this, Christ gives them strength to keep preaching His Gospel. All I have ever suffered is a broken family and being thought narrow-minded for my beliefs. God has given me a heart for these people for a reason, if I cannot do anything but support them through sending money and praying I will take up that call.

I love the Word of God, it is precious to me. I love how, thousands of years after it was written, He speaks to me through it. I love the authority it holds. I love the sacrifice He made and that I can read about it and praise Him for it. Man I'm getting mushy. But I don't care. I love my Savior

continuing conviction

2005-01-10T01:10:00.000-06:00

God continues to convict my heart. Conviction lays heavily on the mind if you are not willing to embrace it, and it frees you if you are. The sermon this morning, too, pierced my heart. I know, intellectually, that God is of infinite worth, but there are things coming in the way of my heart totally embracing this truth. I was almost blinded by a feel good moment too. The question in my mind right now is why is it so stinking hard to fight for a joy that I've tasted and desire more of. But I know the answer--life isn't about having a string of feel good experiences, it's not about mere happiness. The Enemy seeks to destroy faith and hope and joy, he seeks to blind us from experiencing Jesus the way He is calling us to experience Him, and I can feel the weight of that fight. Before I was deterred from fighting because I was tired, I'm still tired, but that's because I've been trying to do this myself. I've not sought leadership, I've only complained about the lack of it. And instead of love filling my heart I've frankly just been annoyed with various people in my life. People who love me and have served me, and what was my response? To react with anger and bitterness rather than self-sacrifice. I've completely forgotten what Paul was talking about in Philippians 2:

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being likeminded, having the same love, being one in spirit and in purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

I thank God for Megan. She came and gave me a hug goodnight and told me she loved me. I didn't deserve that. I don't deserve such great roommates. They're a blessing from God. He's loving me through them. God has been faithful to me. In my unfaithfulness He has not disowned me. All I want is to cling to my God, by grace through faith, not of my own work but of His. My only hope is in Him. I am completely in love with my Savior because He first loved me (1 John) and nothing is going to tear me away from Him. I've just been skimming Philippians, and I think I would really like to do a Bible study on it.

Oh, and Norway this summer is 90% certain.

at the end of the day

2005-01-08T22:13:00.000-06:00

At this very moment I am listening to Handel's Messiah and wearing one red and one black sock because I haven't done laundry in quite sometime and could not find the matches to either color.

At work, my hours are being cut...if I am not used for my on call shift tomorrow, I will have a total of 11 hours for next week. I'm not altogether unhappy about this, because that means I get to rest more on the last week (sigh...) of the semeseter break. So far I've gone home, hung out with friends a lot, worked a little less, and spent much time either sleeping or reading. It's been so nice. Like last night, I got about 11 hours of sleep. Can you believe that?? I will try not to do this too often, as I will be forced to be accustomed to an average of about 6 hours of sleep a night due to lovely school. But it felt so good. I woke up refreshed. But I think my feeling refreshed had more to do with this book I've been reading. It's a new one, still Christian fiction, but this time it's about a Jewish girl who believes in Christ right after the Great Persecution that was inflicted by the Roman Emperor Nero. But in reading last night, God pierced my heart. The girl, whose name is Hadassah, is being questioned by her owner (yeah, she's a slave) about the purpose of life. His opinion is that it's about happiness and achieving every comfort possible before one dies. Her reply is that life's purpose is not to be happy, but to serve. It's not like this statement was anything really new to me, but it made me realize that I'd been seeking happiness maybe a little too much lately. And when I say happiness I mean a worldly happiness, one that is temporal; one that promises comfort and security in this life. But Christ said, "I have said these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." Through Christ, God promises those who follow Christ both trials in the world and rewards in heaven, our biggest reward being an existence with God without sin. Christ is of infinite value, that is joy. Everything in this life will pass away, but Christ remains constant, the same, forever. I had forgotten. Mainly because I ignored again the fact that I desperately need Christ.

The most amazing thing about seeking the Lord is that in Christ we have Him, and we are satisfied. And yet there is always more of Him to seek, and so I could spend my whole life pursuing Christ, being filled to overflowing and satisfied, but I'll never find His limits. His resources will never be exhausted. I'll never tire of Him. There will always be something new and exciting that I have yet to discover. It makes everything the world has to offer pale in comparison.

2005-01-07T21:50:00.000-06:00

Work never fails to tire me out. It doesn't matter how much sleep or caffeine I've had, at the end of my shift I am just plum tuckered out. That was me borrowing a phrase from the homestead.

Sometimes I just don't want to talk to anyone. Like today. I just want to curl up in my bed and read and forget the rest of the world exists. I want to forget some of the things I've been longing for, I want to forget the things I know I have to do (which is pathetic, because right now it's only going to work, which usually consists only of folding endless pieces of clothing)...I just want to sleep and read the day away. I could even do without eating. I just feel so constantly fatigued. I'm pretty sure it's because of my poor state of health right now too. So at least there's hope that it will get better. There's always hope.

Still, I think also that I could really use a week without seeing anyone. I think that's probably really selfish. Idleness and fatigue are not good. Not at all. I need to fight through it. I am thankful that I don't have to do the fighting myself, because right now I feel like I just don't have the strength.

more of what I did today

2005-01-05T02:43:00.000-06:00

So maybe I'm cheesy. Whatever. I don't care. I can laugh at myself.

Trusting in God was the theme today. I received the annual large sum from my grandpa today...I will let it rest in my hand and I will not grab hold of it. It was a gift, from God through my grandpa, and it's going where HE wills it to go. My security is not in how much money I have. That was the first thing.

The second, of course, what else, was with my heart. I'm wondering if I'm starting to operate out of fear. You know, of rejection, of not being good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough, of a situation that may up like quite similar to my parents. All that old stuff that really used to get me in high school...and then the one new thing. And to top it off, I kept hearing those two little phrases in my head.
...on a side note, I have resolved not to begin reading His word until I am open and able to receive. that's going to be difficult and impossible. But that's how I like it, because it shows me, if no one else, His power in my life...
But yeah. I am thinking now about what Jesus said in John 10:

10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.

So I've been holding a lot of things back from Christ lately. I don't even have to analyze why, it's completely obvious to me. I've been afraid and clinging onto worthless idols. I've allowed my circumstances to rule my emotions. I've built my house on the sand. I haven't been living out of the truth that with Christ and only with Him comes peace. Why put my trust in the wisdom of the world? Why put my trust in the incredibly insufficient pleasures it has to offer? I've sought the truth, and I've FOUND IT. Which really isn't even true, I didn't find it, I couldn't have found it on my own even if I had wanted to me, and that's the truth. I didn't want God. I wanted my own way. He revealed it to me. Mercifully. So then if trusting Him with my heart seems dangerous and risky then I am deceived in my thinking, because the only safety is Christ.

My life is more full since I've become a Christian. How can I explain that? My use of words just stinks. No, words don't make much of a difference anyway. Just let me be transparent so I can't hide what I experience.

What I did today

2005-01-04T19:22:00.000-06:00

It's not so very exciting, but I think I might be starting along the right track:

1) went to the doctor and am now on my way to healthier living
2) got a haircut (I didn't go to my usual girl, so I'm not quite sure about it yet, but we'll see. it's only hair)
3) dyed my hair. and cleaned the bathroom while I waited for the rinse-out time. Effective :)

I am now waiting for the time when my friends get here and we go Uptown to Famous Dave's for dinner, and then back here for dessert. I am quite sure that this will be a fun evening. Oh, and I've read more of my book, Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It's my second time reading it, so it's not quite the obssessive-I-can't-put-this-book-down way of reading that it was the first time, but I'm still seeing new things. The thing I like about Christian fiction authors is that there's still a point to the love story beyond just the "oh, they get together in the end" deal. Which, ok, I'm a total sucker for romantic comedies (though romance novels make me gag--it's just porn for women).

Oh, and I started Bethlehem's reading the Bible in a year. I like it so far. Today was a good day. God definitely pointed some stuff out to me. More later. It's time to get ready!

Jan 3

2005-01-03T20:00:00.000-06:00

Well, my internet connection is finally back to normal...or so it seems. With my luck, things will go haywire now that I've said that. Or maybe not :)

So today, I started out not having to work, but then having to work, but then again...not having to work. My thinking that I had to was good enough that it MADE me get up out of bed (even if not until 2 PM) and taking a shower and all that. But then I received the happy news and decided to use my time by watching Wimbledon yet again. Such a good movie. I love how real the characters are...and I love that they of course get together in the end. My roommate and I were talking about it and she wondered if there really was love with that kind of passion in real life. I, being the sappy romantic, think absolutely there is, and I'm going to have it. I won't settle for anything less. I believe, however, that the kind of love they portray in the movies can only be found in real life if it is fueled by God. God created romance, He gave us the desire for such a romance, and He gave us the boundaries He gave us in order for us to obtain it. I want passion in purity.

But on to other subjects...well, later. My roommates and I are going to Starbucks for coffee. Starbucks...my favorite place. :)

2005-01-01T03:47:00.000-06:00

Well, before I write anything else, I have to tell an anecdote that I, yes I, am the center of. I was at my friends' house and my roommate Megan and I were about to leave. I went to put on my shoes, but they were nowhere to be found. I started getting a little worried that I was crazy...I mean, where the stink were my brown fake-birkenstock slip on shoes (they have a name, but I'm blanking on that at the moment). At any rate, I couldn't find them. So we all started looking, thinking someone may have taken them as a practical joke (it was a guy's house, what would you think had happened?). Until I looked down and saw my running shoes sitting there. Apparently I had worn my running shoes and not the other ones. Yeah. I'm blond, and now it's obvious to EVERYONE. :)On a more serious note, I'm glad for the holiday season. I was a participant (with a listening role) in a conversation with my manager at work today. And he said he really didn't like the holidays, because there was nothing about them except stress (I work retail) and spending money, and YEAH, baby Jesus was born, if you actually believe in that. It made me sad. Because for a lot of the world, it's true. The Christmas season is about what you can get. People don't know the Truth anymore, they don't know the Gospel in its fullness, they think Christianity is about being a good person (or a close-minded, right extremist) and then you'll get to heaven and everyone who doesn't have the same moral code goes to hell. Well, NO, that's not what Christ's life actually meant to the world. Again, it's about admitting that you can't earn your salvation, knowing how much of a sinner you are, and accepting the free gift of salvation that God offers to every single person who ever was, is, or will be (not just upper middle-class white Americans). Millions of people in the world outside of the United States get it way more than we do. Because they have to fight every day to stay alive simply for believing. The American church, for the most part, has been lulled into a passionless existence because we have all the material stuff we could ever want. I don't want to be that kind of Christian. I want my loyalties to lie first and foremost with Jesus Christ, not the church. His authority is above the church's authority. People don't understand the infinite value of Christ or the infinite rebellion of sin. There's a reason why Satan is called the father of lies. He doesn't get you to come to his side by saying, "hey, I'm against God and I want to destroy people's lives with evil, come on over!" No, he entices us (to use a probably overused metaphor) with a beautiful banquet of food, and it's not until we've sat down and had our fill of it that we realize it was poisoned. I made a mistake today too...boy does my impatience get in the way. I need to trust God more.

untitled

2004-12-30T14:03:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back home now. My Minneapolis home. Tomorrow I work from 12:15 to 6. Then on to a New Year's party. Then, work the next day. Afterwards, more work, and hopefully at least a week of reclusiveness. That's a word, right? Hopefully.

Leaving Georgia was not the worst thing I did today. I feel less stressed. I am aware that I now need to throw myself into seeking God's will for this semester, and this summer. I should have been doing that all along. So, early New Year's resolutions (Normally, I'm not a big fan of those, but these are more akin to my impossible prayer list):

1. pray for my church at home (Mt. Zion) for the Gospel to be preached boldly and without fear

2. pray MORE, especially for other people

3. seek God for His plan for this summer--if it's Norway or something else. I'm not quite sure what else it would be.

Ahh, these seem to general, and I'm not committed right now. Maybe later. My mom and I had a conversation at Starbucks today (I got a free drink certificate because they messed up my drink, how stinkin' awesome is that?). But yeah, we had a conversation about GRAD SCHOOL. She wants me to absolutely go, and to go right away. I'm not sure I want to do that. I mean, yeah, it's totally a possibility, and it would be nice to go and get a Master's of Divinity and study the Bible in depth from a Christian perspective again. Then I wouldn't feel like I was fighting my professors in my classes all the time. Seeing the unbelief in my classes gets really discouraging and quite frankly, heartbreaking, a lot of the time. So that's an advantage. But I'm just not sure that's where my heart is. I want to get out of this country! I want to start giving my life away in more practical, everyday type ways. But then, yeah...I can do that anywhere. I should already be doing it. Maybe Edgecorps...but I don't know if I want to continue doing ministry with Navs. I just know that I want to be equipped for giving my life away. I am sick of living for myself. It's not about how much money I'll make. God will provide me with what I need, including insurance for medical stuff (that's my mom's biggest concern). She'll be disappointed if I don't go right away. Mainly because of her own situation and how that turned out. But there is where I just need to trust God and ask her to do the same. He has infinite resources, and a very specific plan. He's given me this faith for a reason. He intends to use it. I TRUST HIM.

I know He'll change her heart. He did it last summer. And she is totally seeking Him, so I have no concerns that His heart for me will become her heart for me. So, there are obviously a ton of psalms that speak to my heart, but none so much right now as Psalm 73. God carries me through my visits home. He keeps me from despairing. Just because He decided to love me. Not because I am anything...He loves me apart from all my accomplishments, my personality traits, everything. It's weird, I don't get it. I just called God weird. That's ok, He knows what I mean. He Himself has produced all the gratitude that's in my heart. So many things are going through my head right now. Anyway, here's Psalm 73.

Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.

2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong. [a]
5 They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity [b] ;
the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance. [c]
11 They say, "How can God know?
Does the Most High have knowledge?"

12 This is what the wicked are like-
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.

15 If I had said, "I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!
20 As a dream when one awakes,
so when you arise, O Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

So Good. :)

and tomorrow I'm back in Minnesota

2004-12-29T14:00:00.000-06:00

Well, today was a much better day. It was just me and my mom today. Except she went to work, so I hung out with a good friend of mine. We went to my favorite place to eat, the Marietta Diner (not very classy, I know, but what can I say? It doesn't take a lot to please me), and sat there for two hours talking. It was good. Then we went back to my house and watched Mean Girls; it made me think how I'm glad that I went to a non-traditional high school and how having gone to one I might have turned out quite differently.

The best thing, though, was hanging out with my mom. It was just her and me and we had very good conversation. She said something to me that just totally made me joyful--that she was finding out that you have to love God more than even those closest to you. Even her family. That was so cool. I thank God that she is realizing that even the most precious relationship with a person can't, won't, and absolutely shouldn't satisfy you. God is the only thing. That was a Christ-glorifying conversation. :) This conversation reminded me that patience is a fruit of the Spirit. And also that God does things in His timing. I need to keep trusting in His plans. I can't force them along. And I wonder if that is something I've been trying to do--force along His plans. I just need to wait. David did. Paul did. Even Jesus did.

A new thought entered my mind too. My mom mentioned how our new pastor is really hoping to develop the evangelism ministry. I thought it might be cool to be part of it. But it's just a thought. Who knows where God will lead me this summer. But for now, I'm tired. Tomorrow I fly home.

day 3

2004-12-28T03:52:00.000-06:00

Day 3 at home, that is. You realize my postings will probably diminish after I get back into the school routine. It usually happens that way. Come to think of it, many of my blogs have begun around the "going home" time. Funny.

Well, today was another day of shopping--not so much the biggest fan, but that does not mean I'm ungrateful. I don't get how my mom does it. Maybe that's her way of showig love? I've said that before. Maybe she feels guilty. I'm not quite sure. But yesterday, I did manage to dress my sister in Gap clothes...did I mention that already? I'm too lazy to look. But I felt like quite the sales girl...I feel like I should get a retail gold star. Oh dear, I'm becoming a slave to capitalism. It's time to fight the good fight. Some more.

By the way, I love Scrabble. We played that last night, and it was so fun. Then tonight, with some of my high school friends, I saw the tail end of Dodgeball and then Gladiator. Not so much a fan of Dodgeball. People said it was funny, and it was, until the end when they had to mess it up with a lesbian reference/display and some very foul language. Not so much a fan. Gladiator, then, was good. Although it made me grimace quite a bit and it reminded me of how American culture is on the fast road towards Roman culture. Don't believe me? Ok, tell me that in 30 years.

And I was in a cranky mood today. It started out trying to fill my contact lense prescription and then went downhill. Then I started thinking about my conversation with my dad again. And how since then I've spent less than 5 minutes with him. He leaves for Florida tomorrow too. I'm a bad daughter.

Home is fairly heartbreaking. I'd rather return all the new clothes I got. I'd rather just talk with my family. But we don't talk so much, because it hurts too much. But that's what I really want to do...I want to talk with my family for real, I want to speak truth, I want healing. And the death toll in Indonesia is rising. A broken family seems so little in comparison. And this reminds me of how desperately I, and the world, need Christ. And here Hebrews 12:1-4 comes to mind: "1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." I am in danger of growing weary, as much of me has already. But this is what Christ died for. This is why He called me.
Surrender. Surrender seems to be the key verb here. I know it's not mentioned in these verses, but it's in my heart.